Mean Ol' Ry

Carl weaved in and out of traffic. He had a lot of pizzas to deliver!
Suddenly there was a crash! his Chevy Cobalt was t-boned by a Cadilac Escalade. "Raghhhhhh!" screamed Carl. He kicked the door off his Cobalt and marched over to the Escalade. "Hey! What are you trying to do?" he asked the driver.

The driver was unconscious, and the Radio was blasting out the Glenn Beck News program. Soon the police arrived. Carl offered them some pizza. But then they noticed a bag of white powder hanging out of his jacket pocket! They arrested him and called homeland security.

In the Homeland security brig, Carl was being interrogated by spooks. "who are you and why are you here?" said the spook.

"My name is Carl. I deliver Pizzas" said Carl.

The were interrupted by the lab boys. the lab boy spoke with the Spook, Agent Benny, in the hallway. "he was carrying a bag of salt. It is just salt!" said the lab manager.

"I've got to justify the expense of detaining him" said Benny. He brought in some grunts to begin the enhanced interrogation. They arm barred Carl and forced his head into a basin of water. Carl thought it would be funny to hold his breath for 12 minutes, so he did.

This scared the grunts, and it scared everyone when Carl opened his eyes and said "are you done yet?"

Benny offered Carl a chair. "Alright Carl, who are you and where are you from? Are you a muslim? do you hate freedom?"

"I demand a bag of potato chips!" said Carl.

Benny was feeling guilty for attempting to murder Carl, so he offered him a bag of potato chips. Carl finished the potato chips and cleared his throat. "My name is Carl. I am from Atlantis. In Atlantis we evolved to drink salt water, and farm plants that grow in salt water. but we have no Pizza. I came to this land to discover the mysteries of Pizza!" said Carl.

"is that all?" said Benny.

"One more thing". Carl tore his hand cuffs apart and punched a twelve foot hole in the wall. "I've got to score more pizza!" said Carl. He ran into the night.

It was the year 9,999.

John Connor was hanging out in a cave with Kyle Reese! it was December 31, 9999! They were relaxing during the time lapse between sequels.

"Why is it the year 9999?" asked Kyle.

"In each sequel the time frame established in previous movies is moved forward. We just have to assume there have been dozens of virtual sequels since Terminator 4, even though we are Terminator 5" said John Connor.

"well it is new years eve. can we order a pizza or something?" said Kyle.

"Yes. I will call over some of the new enlistees also. you make sure the stereo is working" said John Connor.

There hadn't been any real fighting for a while. The Machines had set about opening up a pizza franchise to raise capital.

John Connor got out his Iphone and dialed up the pizza hub. there was no answer! Soon the women showed up! but Kyle hadn't been able to download the latest songs because the internet was down! and there was no pizza. This was terrible because in the future all the chicks were all moderately athletic hispanic women.

John and Kyle set out to find answers to the mystery of no iPhone, no internet, and no pizza!

Soon on the road they met a Terminator Robot. He was just sitting on the ground propped up against a boulder!

"Hey!" said John Conner, "What is going on? I can't order a pizza anywhere!"

The Terminator's head twitched erratically and finally focused on John Connor. "It is the Y 10 K. our operating systems were not prepared for it and we stopped updating from Microsoft years ago"

"Are you serious?" asked John Connor.

"You can trust me. I am a robotic guy. I am serious all the time" said the Terminator.

They abandoned the Terminator and went on a quest for Pizza. Their journey took the across the wreckage of civilization.

"I don't understand how we lost" said Kyle. "all the earlier killer
machines had batteries that wore out after a few hours. Or they ran out
of ammo. Or parts that wore out pretty quick. None of their repairs
are carried out by autonomous or networked machines."

"it is because of the Future!" said John.

Finally they arrived at the Atlantic Coast. there was an Island right off the shore. It was Hilton Head Island! There were some boats, so they paddled one to the island.

A man wearing a primitive tuxedo approached them. "what are you doing?"
John Connor asked the man.

"This is the island where we hide all our money" said the man.

"Who are you!" said John Connor.

"My name is Paul!" said the man.

"I remember money." said John Connor. "what do you spend your money
on?"

"we spent it on this island" said the man.

"how did you get so much money?" said John Connor.

"We got the contracts to build sky net and all the machines skynet took
over" said the man.

"why did you build skynet and all those other machines?" asked John.

"So we could get more done without having to hire workers. Combat
aircraft, janitors, gardeners, machinests, doctors, Henry Kissinger, the
RAND Corp, The Cato Institute, technicians, plumbers. We wanted them all off the payroll so we could be more efficient. produce more and raise everyones standard of living" said the man.

"who do you sell stuff to? who is there to buy it?" said Kyle Reese. He just wanted a decent pizza.

"the economy will improve when we become more efficient" said Paul.

"Why did you unleash skynet and all those other machines?" asked John.

"So we wouldn't have to pay taxes. God gave our Founding Fathers America
so that we wouldn't have to pay taxes. We believe in God better than
everyone else, so we shouldn't have to pay taxes." said the Man.

John and Kyle joined Paul on the Golf Course. They mingled with all of the other big shareholders. It was okay for a while, the appetizers and complimentary drinks were alright. John and Kyle talked with the big shareholders and listened to them talk. Finally, at the end of the day John and Kyle got some rooms at the time share condo.

"Let's get out of here. these people are all assholes!" said John Connor.

"I don't believe in the future" said Kyle Reese.

"At least we don't live in Japan" said John Connor.

Tim finished his exercise routine at the gymnasium. After a shower that lasted too long he met Rhonda at the Starbucks.

"Try this fruit. It is from South America and has lots of vitamins" said Rhonda.

"I'll try any fruit I'm not used to hearing about that has lots of vitamins" said Tim.

He ate the fruit. He could feel the vitamins powering up his Chi! and he wasn't alone! All over America people who exercised and ate the newest fad fruit from South America gained magical endurance, invulnerability, and Chi Powers!

It was catching on! soon millions of Americans were invulnerable to the elements of cold, heat, disease, pollution, and time! Many of them quit watching television! They quit dressing up for business lunches! They sold their houses and bought much cheaper houses and land. they mostly practiced carpentry and masonry and welding for a few hours a day, then loitered around.

"This is terrible" said one of the top guys at the big business meeting. "We aren't selling enough stuff. we've got to sell more stuff" said Dr.Eckstein. He wasn't a real doctor. he had a ph.d in economics.

one of the big boys from the fast food industry stepped up to the plate. he held a syringe in his hand. "we've got what it takes. a shot of weapons grade caffeine, nicotine, and testosterone". they hired the right lobbyists to get in with congress and the surgeon general.

Suddenly a new seasonal influenza was in the headlines. everyone had to get innoculated! So everyone got innoculated against the new seasonal flu!

The weapons grade shot of caffeine, nicotine, and testosterone had the predicted effect on normal people: they began charging up bigger televisions, dvd collections, video games, jet skis, atvs, paintball guns, real guns, golf clubs, interior decorating, and clothing on their credit cards. they signed the loan papers for more prestigious cars.

The weapons grade shot of caffeine, nicotine, and testosterone had an unforeseen effect on the 3 million americans who had become invulnerable through exercise and magic fruit. they turned into mindless violent hungry zombies! they broke into k-marts and wal-marts and Targets all over america. they played with all the toys, tried on all the clothes, flipped through all the channels! and then they didn't pay for the stuff! they just ran out carrying the last thing to catch their interest, then dropped it a few minutes later when they forgot about it. the police and national guard and deputies were rallied. but the zombies were invulnerable and stuff. Normal folks didn't like shopping cuz there were weird invulnerable zombies hanging out at all the stores and parking lots. The zombies were not dangerous. they were just kind of annoying and aggravating and people stopped going to the mall or downtown. so things got real crazy, and it was a Zombie Genre Story.

Dr.Laura was prattling on during her Radio Show about the latest Keanu Reeves movie. Keanu Reeves had made a scene-for-scene remake of The Quiet Man. He had put as much energy into an early 20th century Pittsburgh Accent as John Wayne had.

"The Liberals are trying to take our movies. They hate america. This is Marxism" said Dr.Laura. Soon Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh got in on it. Before you knew it, the Republicans had taken over congress again. They lowered taxes so much that John Wayne flew down out of the sky alive and well! He was as fit and charismatic as he was at the age of 45!

John Wayne got right to work making movies again. His movies did poorly. John Wayne was despondent and brooding over this at a fancy hotel bar somewhere. Suddenly he was approached by a fiercely charismatic Korean. It was Reverend Moon Dung Sun! Reverend Sun wanted to finance a new John Wayne movie! "John Wayne! I want to pay you 15 million dollars to make a movie. We have to make a modern movie!" said Reverend Sun.

"What does it take to have a modern movie?" said John Wayne.

"It has to have titties!" said Reverend Sun.

"Titties!?" said John Wayne.

Soon the movie was under production. They had gotten Michael Bay to direct it. After production wrapped, John Wayne and his manager and Reverend Moon were at the fancy hotel bar. Reverend Moon handed John Wayne the check for $15,000.000.00 dollars.

"Where'd you get all this money, Reverend Sun?" said John Wayne.

"I've got deals going on all over town. We've spent over a billion dollars on newspapers and real estate in America" said Reverend Sun. He was fierce and masculine, like a Korean VIP.

"But where does the money come from?" said John Wayne.

"Oh. We just write in the numbers in the banks over in Korea. then we transfer the funds to America."

"Is that real?" said John Wayne.

John Wayne's manager spoke up. "It is real when it gets here. Relax. you've got 15 million dollars. just sell the right ideas."

The movie premiere soon arrived. important people gathered to view the movie. It was a great modern movie! there were vehicle chases, crashes, machine guns, explosions, fast camera angle changes. John Wayne's character used all the best modern dialogue! "fuck you and die!" said John Wayne as he broke one of the Henchman's arm! "Yippie kie ay, mother fucker!" said John Wayne's character as he threw his opponent off a building and dropped a hand grenade on him. Near the end of the movie, several women ran towards his character. They all wanted his attention but he could not talk fast enough to answer each of them. they got jealous of each other and desperate for John Wayne Character's favor! So they ripped their shirts off! "Put away those titties!" said John Wayne's character. and credits rolled!

Edward McCullenski was in chemistry class staring out the window.

The Guidance Counselor poked his head into class. I need to see you in the guidance office, he said.

Edward trudged to the guidance counselor in an upright, strong, yet brooding way.

the Guidance Counselor was already at his desk.

"Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward" said the guidance counselor.

"what is it, Guidance Counselor?"

"I know you are a vampire" said the Guidance counselor.

Edward looked worried for about 2 seconds.

"It is alright. I am a wereMoose. I could tell you were a vampire because of my wereMoose senses." said the Guidance counselor.

"What do you want?" said Edward.

"I want to know why you are in high school. you are over 100 years old" said the Guidance counselor.

"I got to study for the S.A.T!" said Edward.

"Be serious. why are you really here!" said the Guidance counselor.

"It is the chicks. High school chicks dig older guys" said Edward Cullen.