Saga Of The European King

Roxy Tripfoot could shoot rabbits out of her long sleeves. She did this often, because there were many situations in Hell where a rabbit would be useful. She could fire twenty rabbits at once. Colonel Glowfist fell in love with her so quickly. Firing out twenty rabbits at once, whenever you want, is a very sexy thing for an archmage to see. Thing is, he was too shy to talk to her as she rode with him on his platform across his two Awesome Horses. He was too fat to talk to girls.

Axe Axewound kept on trying to spark up a good conversation with her, though. He kept riding his donkey up really close behind Glowfist's Awesome Horses and misremembering some fact he'd heard about rabbits.
"I heard you don't get grey ones," he said, in a Scottish accent. "At least, they only look grey. It's an optical illusion. They're actually brown." Roxy's only response was to shoot a grey rabbit at him from one of her sleeves and turn away. She was a strong, independent woman. She knew her own mind. If she didn't want to be chatted up by a guy like Axe Axewound (who smelled), she wouldn't. She was a positive role model.

Colonel Glowfist found only one thing he could talk about without getting shy. That one thing was the King. Colonel Glowfist had been a close childhood friend of the King, and had stuck with him through thick and thin, except a few times when he had gone on solo missions. One time, he had teamed up with Rigor Mantis and Terrorthaw (!) and saved Europe from the Evil Spaniards. But except for those few times, he and the King had been tight. So he could tell Roxy Tripfoot about the King as much as he liked, and not once did he reflect on his disgusting obesity and chicken out. He told her about how he had met the King as a baby – he had been a baby brought in from another crèche – an evil crèche – that had been brainwashed by an evil babysitter to take over the little European town in which they lived. Colonel Glowfist, who wasn't a Colonel as a baby, had the constitution and the will to resist the brainwashing at the last second and cast his first spell, causing the evil babysitter to slip on a magical puddle of milk, whereupon she bumped her head and fell asleep. The baby King notified the authorities and the evil babysitter went to gaol. The King and the Colonel had been friends ever since.

Roxy listened intently as the Colonel told her all about the King's self-imposed exile as a young man, the way he invented experimental music, about his wooden hands and his coin tricks. He told her about the time he had gotten so angry about a famine that every river in Europe boiled right then and there. Then the famine stopped, because the boiling had killed all the insect pests that were eating the crops. They laid their eggs in water, you see. He even tried to show her one of the King's coin tricks, but the Colonel was not skilled enough to pull it off right. Still Roxy was impressed. She then began to love the King. The Colonel was joined in his stories by the other Adventure Friends: Father Dominoes spoke of the King's humility and holiness, and about the time he had saved God from choking on a galaxy. (Kick to the chest.) Axe Axewound spoke of his prowess in combat, and how he had once ripped the jaw off his best friend who had been sent to kill him. Sally Minefield told of his endless capacity for love, and how he could deflower a virgin just by looking at her and licking his lips. This went on all night. By morning, Roxy, who had never even heard of the King before (she had lived in Asia or somewhere before she died and went to Hell) was full of love and longing for the King. Colonel Glowfist wasn't jealous at this, because everyone should love the King.

Then a funny thing happened. Roxy was covered in a bright, shining light. Because of her love for the King, her soul was trying to leave Hell by transdimensional teleport. This glowing happened for three full minutes and it got pretty intense by the end. The ground started to shake. She was shooting out eighty rabbits a second. But her soul wasn't allowed to leave Hell. The Devil wouldn't let something like that happen. He ran a tight ship. He then appeared personally before Roxy and the Adventure Friends. The Devil was eighty metres high and was made out of blood, bones and horns.

"What's going on?" said the Devil. "Adventure Friends! What are you doing here?" He looked around. "You're trying to free souls from Hell! I thought we were buds now!" He was hurt. He burst into flames. He was ready to fight.

"Honourable friend!" shouted Colonel Glowfist! "You're making a mistake! We didn't mean to-"
"Who are you, fatty?" said the Devil. He didn't recognize Colonel Glowfist because he was so fat.
"I'm –" said Colonel Glowfist, reaching into his wallet and pulling out his License To Kick Ass. It glowed. It shimmered. It had his name on it. When he held it up, Colonel Glowfist glowed and shimmered too. There was a burst of purple light and lots of smoke and wind. When everyone could see again, Colonel Glowfist was standing tall atop his two Awesome Horses. He was thin, muscular, tall, and once again wearing his cool cloak, which billowed in the wind and looked awesome. His eyes were on fire, but it didn't hurt and he could still see. His hands were glowing red and white. His Infernal Gauntlet was back on his hand and it was charged with the best spells known to man.

"COLONEL GLOWFIST!" bellowed Colonel Glowfist. His voice was the King's voice, only it echoed and flanged. The Devil didn't know what to do.

End Of Chapter 13