Saga Of The European King

"COLONEL GLOWFIST!" bellowed Colonel Glowfist. His voice was the King's voice, only it echoed and flanged. The Devil didn't know what to do. This happened back in Hell. Colonel Glowfist was all thin and cool-looking because he had just used his License To Kick Ass, which glowed and had his name on it.

“Now wait a minute, I’m not sure tha-“ said the Devil, but that was all he managed to say before nine hundred hadokens hit him in the face and Colonel Glowfist flew through the air and kicked him so hard that he flew through a wall in Hell. The wall was the one keeping all the gypsies in their special room, so they got out and just ran amuck in Hell.
“You shall stand down, Devil, or taste my wrath!” said Colonel Glowfist, as he zapped the Devil with a whole lot of lightning, which hurt him a lot.
“Okay, okay! Jeez! You can have the girl, okay.” He was talking about Roxy Tripfoot, whose soul was trying to leave Hell. “You got her fair and square anyway. She loves the King now, she doesn’t belong here.” Colonel Glowfist stopped with the lightning and the constant hadokens and stepped away from the Devil’s giant, sparking body.

It was a good thing that the Devil tagged out, because the hit from Colonel Glowfist’s License To Kick Ass wore off then, and he wouldn’t be able to use it again for a whole day. He got fat again, his cool robe dissolved, the winds whipping his hair and clothes died down and his eyes and voice went back to normal. But putting on so much weight so quickly was a big shock to his system, so he had a heart attack right there and then. The other Adventure Friends rushed to help him, but they weren’t too sure what was happening to him, because they lived in Medieval times and didn’t know what a heart attack was. They thought that the Devil had maybe suckered him and filled him full of demons that were now eating his insides. The Devil got up, still crackling with electricity.
“Oh my god, he’s having a heart attack!” said the Devil. “Father Dominoes, quick! Read Psalm 3: 16!”

Father Dominoes got out his solid-gold Bible and turned its metal pages to Psalm 3: 16. He read the passage and then Colonel Glowfist was okay. “That’s the best Psalm for heart attacks,” said the Devil with a wink. Father Dominoes made a mental note of that for later. Colonel Glowfist breathed heavily. Roxy Tripfoot was by his side.
“When you went all thin and kicked ass,” said Roxy Tripfoot, “I loved you. You need to lose weight, Colonel Glowfist. If you do, we shall be married.” Roxy did this because she was a strong female character and wasn’t willing to just give away her hand in marriage to just anyone. She was waiting for the right man, and the right man was Colonel Glowfist when he was thin.
“I’m sorry I mistook you for soul-thieves.” Said the Devil. “We get gypsy heroes down here all the time trying to steal gypsy souls and I’m a little raw about it. I shouldn’t have doubted you, Adventure Friends. Any friends of the King deserve better treatment.” And then everyone got a hug and a present from the Devil, because the Devil knew how much the Adventure Friends liked presents. Father Dominoes got a new chastity belt made from Hell-Metal, Axe Axewound got a Amulet of Recall to make his axe come back to his hand whenever he wanted it to, Sally Minefield got a level up and Colonel Glowfist got a magic thong that would never embarrass him.
“Actually, I would like to not be so fat,” said Colonel Glowfist politely. The Devil shrugged.
“There’s no magic for that, son.” Was all he said.

Sally Minefield’s maternal instincts then kicked in. “I think Prince David is in trouble. We’re too late!” Axe Axewound had to hold her to keep from getting hysterical. Roxy rolled her eyes, because Sally Minefield was being a spaz.
“That’s no problem for the Devil!” said the Devil with a wink. He flicked a switch on the Hell control console. A teleport noise started up. Everyone got ready for battle. Roxy and Colonel Glowfist would have kissed at this point, but he was so fat that this was totally impossible.

End Of Chapter 16