Saga Of The European King

“Okay,” said the King. “For the next part of the plan, we need to split up.” They were back in Jerusalem, sipping martinis by the pool. The Jewel Of Gyrolevikar was hooked up to the bar opticals. It was making banana liqueur. Michael was jamming with Ba’al, but Ba’al kept on hogging the spotlight with his flaming drum solos. He wouldn’t let Michael shine. It was so frustrating.

“David, Roxy Tripfoot and I will travel Southwest to the mountains on Gappy. Colonel Glowfist, I need you to weave us a blanket of haste for the journey. Sally, the Colonel and Axe will take one of David’s boats to the Viking prison colony downriver. Ba’al and Michael will stay here and practice their set.”
Everyone seemed pretty cool with this plan, so the King gave them their missions. Each group had two goals to achieve. The King’s missions were to visit an old musician who lived on top of a mountain, and also to go to the Market Of Prague and stock up on eats and chips. Colonel Glowfist’s group was to break into the Viking prison colony to rescue a guy and also to recover the pool lights from the rock people who lived under the Earth, who had borrowed them some time ago and not given them back.
“We have three days. I believe in you. We can do it.” Said the King, smiling.

So the King rode out on Gappy with David on Roxy’s lap. They were sitting on a beautifully knitted Blanket Of Haste, that was working very well. Every step Gappy took was like four or five steps. David kept on punching Roxy in the breasts and then hiding his face. When the King saw this, he laughed his deep, rich laugh, which always made Gappy whicker happily.
“He likes you!” said the King. “Things bode well for your marriage. Your children will see a Europe at last at peace from the unsettled gypsies. When we have conquered Ireland, we shall raze it to the ground and let the gypsies settle there.” Said the King, thinking politically. Roxy was not sure what to say. She did not want to marry David when he had come of age, because she was sure that Colonel Glowfist would have lost a lot of weight by then and that she could safely marry him, not David. But she also very dearly wanted peace for her people and for all of Europe, which she loved very dearly. All she could do was hug David closely so that he could not punch her in the breasts any longer. She thought about how she would have to get used to hugging David, and that some day he would be bigger than her. This made her feel things, some of which conflicted with other feelings she thought were better to have.

They arrived at the Market Of Prague in no time flat. They bought huge amounts of chips, dips, carrots, celery and little sausages. They bought charcoal for the fire, balloons for the decoration, bottles of Prague-water for the non-drinkers, mixers for the vodka and gin and brandy that the Jewel Of Gyrolevikar was making, bin bags for the clean-up, napkins, paper cups, three slaves, eighteen heads of swine, tinfoil (for cooking potatoes) and some big umbrellas in case it rained. The King, it should go without saying, was fabulously wealthy from killing so many monsters and generally adventuring around, so he didn’t even need to borrow some cash off of Roxy. They loaded Gappy up with all of the supplies and went right on with their next mission, to visit the musician who lived up in the mountains.

The journey would normally have taken them a week and a half, but the Blanket Of Haste made it so Gappy could cover the distance in just over one day. By the time they made it to the top of the mountain where the musician lived, the Blanket Of Haste was steaming and too hot to sit on or too touch. The King suggested that they hang it out on the mountain top, where it was very, very cold, so that it would be fine by the time they set off again. The cold reminded the King of Winter and how it must be stopped. He thought of all the European children who might be suffering and dying in the cold, and he cursed himself for not having killed Winter in single combat yet. As soon as this party had lifted his spirits, he would get right on the Winter-killing mission. Nothing would stop him – not Terrorthaw, not Dark Spaniards, not gypsies nor the Irish themselves. Giant Jake would have to get stuffed, the President Of The United States would have to wait and Mistress Sex would have to pester some other guy. No demon would thwart him, no magical beast deter him. He would kill Winter with his bare wooden hands if he had to. He screamed then, there on that mountain top. His scream was heard across four lands. Everyone knew that the days of Winter were numbered.

When the King had stopped screaming, he took Roxy and David by the hand and led them to the tiny hut on the mountain’s top. Outside there was an old car. He didn’t need to knock, because he was the King, and the man inside was one of his closest childhood friends and what’s more, they were homies. When they went through the door, they saw the inside of the opulent hut. Solid gold records were framed up on the walls. A naked woman got up and bowed, then grabbed her coat and left.
“Don’t mind her, she knows this is important.” Said a voice.
“It’s been a long time,” said the King, warmly.
“From what heard outside and what I can tell by your being here, you’re out to kill Winter and you want me to lift your spirits with a song or two.”
“You’re as wise as ever, Leonard Cohen.” Said the King.
“Reckon I might have a few more tunes left in me,” said Leonard Cohen. He picked up his old guitar and played one a song so sad and beautiful and about girls that there was an avalanche outside.

End Of Chapter 24