Saga Of The European King

Let’s talk about the Vikings for a second. The Vikings used to be the major bad guys in Europe in the King’s father’s day. They were led by Erik Rage-Eater!, who was to the King’s father what Terrorthaw was to our King, only Erik always had at least ten thousand rock-solid hardcore Viking guys with him at all times. Also, he was huge, and his armour was covered in spikes.

When the King’s father was very, very old, (three hundred and seven years old) he had one last battle with Erik Rage-Eater!, one on one. But neither of them could hurt the other, since they were so good and fighting each other by then. Erik, who was also really old, decided that they should talk things over. They arranged the biggest banquet hall in the world and each sat down to eat, backed up by twenty thousand of the finest and heavily-armed men in their armies, with several thousand more waiting outside in case anything should happen. They ate chicken, and talked about old times. Turned out they had a lot in common. The King’s father was ready to leave Europe behind to his young son and go to Heaven, and Erik was also ready to go to Viking Heaven, which wasn’t as good as the real Heaven, but still pretty cool. Halfway through the chicken, both of them discovered that they wanted their children to not have to fight each other all the time and only find out how alike they are when they are in their three-hundreds. The dinner turned into a peace treaty discussion, only it was fun and there was chicken.

The King’s father told Erik one of the biggest secrets about the Medieval world – that there was this whole giant continent over to the left that was awesome and full of turkeys and Pocahontases. The King’s father had spoken briefly to the President of this continent, called The United States, and even though they didn’t get along, the President had offered the whole of the bottom continent to the King’s father as a place to build New Europe. The King’s father had toyed with the idea for a while, but he loved Old Europe so much and just wanted to concentrate on making it the better place. What the King’s father was doing was offering New Europe to Erik Rage-Eater! and the Vikings. Erik smiled, and then the two old rulers of Europe (both real Europe and Viking Europe) got up slowly and hugged right then and there at the dinner table. This got the troops going and soon there were thousands of hugs everywhere and everyone was friends. In the morning, Erik Rage-Eater! took his entire Viking army and almost every Viking ship off to New Europe. He was never heard from again. Some Vikings were left behind in Viking Europe, and the King’s father kept them warm and fed and protected from the Irish and, by the time the King became a young man, the Viking nations were considered a part of real Europe. Some say that the King’s father tricked Erik Rage-Eater! and that he was eaten by an octopus. But those that love the King know that the King’s father would have kept his word, and that the Vikings are really happy and doing well in New Europe. We’ll find out more around Chapter 50. Maybe later. They’ve all got to go into space first. It might actually be a while.

But the point is that the Vikings left some stuff behind. They left all their prisoners behind in these huge prison colonies that are still around all over the North. Even though the Vikings are now a part of the real Europe, they have a few of their own laws and customs left because of the culture. One of their customs is to put any people who break the Viking Code into one of these big prison colonies that Erik Rage-Eater! left behind. Now, the Vikings were rough, and they were really hardcore. Their criminals were so brutal that they were just too beautiful and special and society just couldn’t accept that. Viking criminals were criminals because they knew that the Viking Code was a lie, and they could see the world how it was, and they were angry. A lot of them were musicians and a lot of them made poetry. They pretty much all had big family problems and were picked on at school because they were different.

So there were two hundred Rock People lined up at the top of a valley. In the bottom of the valley was the Viking prison colony which needed breaking into. The Rock People had to decide which of them would have to roll down the hill and smash themselves into the walls and which of them would be the ones to storm the place after the walls had come down. They had to figure out who was worth less to Rock People Society. They all compared their worths to each other. One said, “I own a shop that sells granite. There is so much granite these days, and there is a shop just like mine two blocks away. I am not needed in the Rock Kingdom.”
Another said, “I am a school teacher of little Rocks, but since our economy favours unskilled labour and there is no immediate brain-drain to other regions, my like will only be needed in the next generation. I will roll.”
Another said, “Since my nearest competitor is to be dashed against the walls of the prison, I am the only purveyor of granite for eight blocks. People cannot go without granite. I must not die right now.”

And so, without grudges or regrets, half of the Rock People that Colonel Glowfist brought with him brought the walls of the prison down by smashing their own bodies against them. All of them were killed, but society was okay with it. Colonel Glowfist, Sally Minefield and Axe Axewound led the charge into the prison itself, and they had the pleasure of killing Vikings as did their fathers before them. Sally Minefield managed to kill only one Viking He had his back to her because he was fighting Axe Axewound, who was just about to kill him anyway. Sally got a few experience points, because Vikings were rare, but she was still a long, long way away from becoming a ninja or a Thief-Mage.

Eventually, after Axe Axewound had killed almost a hundred Vikings, they found Burzum’s cell. Burzum was deep in thought, writing a new song. He didn’t even look up until Glowfist and Axe yelled really, really loud.
“Burzum!” they yelled. “Are you ready to rock?!” Burzum finally looked up.
“Yes,” he said calmly, “But the girl comes with me.”
There was a naked woman in the next cell. He was talking about her.

End Of Chapter 27