Saga Of The European King

The King and his Adventure Friends were having a fight. Not with each other – that almost never happened, and when it did, everyone always ended up knowing more about everyone else and their feelings and so loved each other more. No, the King and his Adventure Friends were fighting with the King's ex-wife.

It was a hard fight. It was still cold on the Moon, so everyone's aim and reflexes had penalties on them. They also weren't used to fighting on the Moon, with the low gravity, even though it was super fun and very cinematic. Michael and his band couldn't join in the fight, because they were peaceful and did not live life according to the Warrior Code like the King did, but they could rock out awesome tunes while the others all fought. They were playing a song about doing your very best, kicking ass and then winning. This song was appropriate, because the King and his friends were all winners, even Colonel Glowfist, who was only fat by accident.

So, the King's ex-wife was an Assassinatrix, and she worked for the mysterious woman with the bird who lived in the mysterious city on the Moon, which is also quite mysterious because no one gets to go there unless they are American and good with people and looked nice on TV. Not everyone is like that, so not everyone gets to go. She wasn't working alone – even the most skilled Assassinatrix wouldn't have been a really hard fight for the Adventure Friends just on her own. She had brought seven hundred Moonmen with her, from NASA. They wore spacesuits that had gold in them. They were all American, good with people and looked nice on TV. They were floating around, throwing knives at the King with 'NASA' written on them. The King had to catch them or fire energy blasts from Cutty to deflect them if he didn't want to get stuck. It was hard work. Also, his ex-wife was trying to kill him.

The Moonmen were hard to kill. Every time you hit them, they just sort of floated away and kept throwing knives at you. You had to deflect their knives back at them if you wanted to get anywhere. That killed them really quickly (though with the green ones, you needed to do it twice) and then they just floated away off the edge of the screen. This was actually quite fun at first, when there was just a few of them, but by the time there were dozens and dozens, it was pretty tiring. The King's ex-wife kept casting her gypsy fighting magic that made her spin around really fast and generally just freak out all over, which was dangerous. Roxy had to heal everyone all the time, and her magical forces were getting low. Surprisingly, Sally Minefield didn't die right away. Her agility was good in this fight, as she could kick the knives right back at the Moonmen and jump out of the way whenever the King's ex-wife started flailing her arms around and leaping about. Whenever they got a moment, the other Adventure Friends would pat her on the back and smile. "Good job, Sally," they'd say, "You're doing really well!"

The other thing about the low gravity on the Moon was that David became much more destructive. Axe Axewound, who was a little stronger than even the King, was throwing David as hard as he could, bouncing him off the floating Moonmen to get them out of knife-throwing range and ricocheting back to hit the King's ex-wife. David didn't know that she was the King's ex-wife and his mother. He had been so young when she had gone away, and didn't remember her. He knew something was up and that everyone was worried, but he was only going to deal with all that once this enemy was defeated. The Chinese magic in his belt was holding out, and he was invincible for the time being. He kept on disappearing and reappearing, so it looking like his whole body was blinking. That's what strong magic does to a person.

The King himself knew exactly what was going on. He had recognised Oranje as soon as she had stepped foot outside of the city. He hadn't even given her the chance to give some exposition, or to ask her who she was working for. The pain was too deep for that. She had left her husband and her son to just fend for themselves and live in filthy houses that never got cleaned. He had to teach her a lesson. He cut down twenty Moonmen as he ran towards her and Cutty's steel clashed against the silver Moonmetal of Oranje's signature scythe. It made orange trails when it did a special move. Orange was her colour, see.

"Why did you leave? I'm sorry!" Roared the King as blow after blow from Cutty was blocked and orange sparks burned his face. The roar knocked Oranje from her feet, so she backflipped.

"You made me leave!" she hissed, and her words were acid and ice. Frozen acid.

"I've got a new girlfriend!" roared the King. He did have a girlfriend. He wasn't even lying to make her feel bad.

End of Chapter 33