Saga Of The European King

The King was angry about Axe Axewound, David, Gappy and Sally Minefield being werewolves. Werewolves were strong and tough, but they couldn’t use weapons and their inventories were tiny. Also, magic didn’t work on them the same way. The King knew all this because he had been a werewolf when he was younger. It was okay then, because he wasn’t carrying very much and Stacy Heroine could hold Cutty while he killed a bunch of monsters.

But now that Gappy was just a non-magical naked blonde guy, there was a severe lack of storage space. Axe’s flaming axe was difficult enough to stash on its own, but when you factor in all of his armour and healing potions and power-ups and enchantments, it’s enough to tax any party’s inventory. They were all carrying the stuff Gappy had dropped, in any case. The King stamped his feet. This wouldn’t do at all. He ordered everyone to stay put just outside the castle and watch the stuff while he went in and killed the Dracula himself. He grabbed a few fire bombs and boomerangs and ran off towards the castle. He managed to get inside the castle before the drawbridge went up.

The others all stood outside the castle, surrounded by mounds of stuff. They didn’t really know what to do. It was dangerous out there in the open, though they probably had the manpower to fend off any threat save a boss, if they were careful. They unfolded Axe’s axe into a tent and made camp there. It began to rain. Timothy and Jacob were told to stand guard because they were less important characters. Colonel Glowfist was covered in a rubber sheet so that he wouldn’t get wet. He was too fat to fit inside the tent. Roxy tried to teach Gappy, who was a blonde guy, and David, who was an adorable wolf-boy, and Ba'al, who was from another country, to play cards, but it didn’t work out. Axe and Sally ran off outside in wolf form. They were wild things now. They wanted to hunt. They didn’t find anything to kill out there in the hills, since monsters had picked them clean long ago. They instead decided to have wolf-sex. They were pretty embarrassed about this later. It was disgusting.

The King wasn’t doing so well, either. He was fine in the first courtyard – he’d chopped his way through stupid skeletons and a few fire-spitting monster skulls, but then a zombie dog had run right at him, stolen Cutty, and run away. Cutty screamed. He was terrified of dogs. The King tried to follow the dog, but was attacked from both sides by bats that were flying in tricky patterns. He then found that he couldn’t jump on these enemies to kill them, which is what he normally did when he was unarmed, so he avoided and dodged skeletons and bats and ghosts until he got inside the castle proper. He climbed a staircase and ripped a big, thick curtain off the wall. He picked up the curtain’s drawstring. It was a pretty thick piece of rope. He lashed it out, experimentally. It hit a candlestick that was illuminating the room. A big bag of money fell out of the candlestick. The King was pleased. Now he had a whip, and also some money. He whipped everything from then on. He whipped a bat and it exploded in a ball of flame. He whipped a wall and it fell apart. There was a turkey dinner inside. The King ate the dinner. Then he went back to whipping skeletons. It felt good.

End Of Chapter 46