Saga Of The European King

The King stayed inside that Dracula castle for a whole week. He kept on losing health and would then have to camp out for a day or so in a corridor he’d cleared of monsters. That was a difficult task in itself – often he’d kill a skeleton or something, walk a few paces, then turn around to find the skeleton alive and well again, throwing bones and the like. He would also keep falling down bottomless pits and would have to go back to the last door he’d went through. Sometimes, the pits weren’t even bottomless. He would climb up a short staircase to find a new section, but then if he fell down that very same staircase, he’d wind up back at the door. It was very frustrating. Also, the castle was huge. There were underground tunnels and rivers and outside bits and gigantic chandeliers that he’d have to jump across and crypts and towers and minecarts and everything.

It helped that there were candlesticks everywhere and that the candlesticks contained hearts and power-ups and weapons and sacks of money. He would have been pretty stuck without those candlesticks.

So eventually the King found himself whipping a Dracula in the face a whole lot. He’d just beaten four bosses in a row. The Dracula wasn’t letting on anything he knew about gypsy curses, not without a good face-whipping. He was teleporting around and shooting fireballs and generally being annoying, but the King was up to it. His reflexes were exact. Even if the Dracula wasn’t within whipping range, he would get a boomerang in the face for his efforts. The King was enjoying the whipping. It wasn’t a sexual thing. It was about violence and having fun.

By the time the Dracula turned into his final form (some kind of ghost-dragon), the King was enjoying himself so much that he was laughing out loud. He had enough hearts to keep flinging boomerangs all day. He had found the extra hearts in a secret room. He didn’t know why the possession of a human heart gave him the ability to throw a boomerang and he didn’t care. He was about to kill his first Dracula. He was dodging ghost-fire like a graceful deer. He was whipping until he couldn’t even feel it, even though the Dracula felt it every time. The Dracula was afraid of dying.

“Ready to spill the beans, you stupid Dracula?” laughed the King, whipping it in the eye and just throwing boomerangs everywhere. Boomerangs really were the best weapon. “Tell me who did the magic on the gypsies!”
“Draculas don’t rat out on Draculas!” sniffed the Dracula who was being a ghost-dragon. He was bleeding electricity. His health was low. At that, the King put away his whip. He was sick of whipping all of a sudden. He stopped throwing boomerangs. He put up his wooden fists. The King was the best prizefighter in Europe. He wanted now to box a ghost-dragon-Dracula. He did so. He punched that Dracula right in the face. He uppercutted and the Dracula went flying. It stopped being a ghost-dragon and went back to being a gaunt dandy. He picked up the Dracula and punched it in the stomach for fifteen minutes. The Dracula couldn’t do anything about it. The King dropped the Dracula to the floor. It was ready to speak.

“The- brother Dracula – who – cursed – the ugh- Roma cattle…” the Dracula began, but the King was in no mood for patience. He ran over the Dracula’s coffin and picked up Cutty. The Dracula had been sleeping with Cutty, which is disgusting.
“Chief! You rescued me! It was horrible, Chief. The things he did –“
“No time, Cutty!” said the King and hacked off the Dracula’s legs.
“DRACULA KING!” screamed the Dracula. “DEATHROCK PLATEAU, DEATH MOUNTAIN! PLEASE!” he moaned. “Please give me back my legs!”
“You’ll join your legs –“ said the King, serious, “in Hell!” and then he killed the Dracula. He wasn’t sure if Draculas went to Hell or not.

“Deathrock Plateau. Death Mountain.” Intoned the King. “I hoped he wouldn’t say that.”
“Jeepers, Chief.” Said Cutty. “I don’t think that even you can take down the Dracula King in his own castle.”
“I don’t think so either, Cutty.” Said the King, softly. Then he smiled. “I’m going to need an army.”

End Of Chapter 48