Saga Of The European King

Okay guys. It's the fiftieth chapter. That means that some stuff is going to go down. There is going to be a huge war against a whole country of the undead. There is going to be emotional depth. You're going to care. People are going to die.

So, the King and Gappy teleported to Jerusalem to pick up his two hundred and fifty thousand troops that he'd left there a while back. Though it had only been a few months since he had last set foot in Jerusalem, the King reckoned that it felt as though he hadn't seen the town for many years. So much had happened on the Astral Plane and on the Moon. He'd helped to build a whole city. He'd killed a Dracula with a whip. He also felt pretty old. The King was over eighty, but Kings live longer than normal people, so it was okay.

He still had lots of friends and he mixed with young people, especially girls. He was always having people round. So even if he had been a normal person, he still wouldn't be that old, because he still thought like a young person. Anyway, despite everything, the King felt old when he teleported into Jerusalem. He felt like so much had happened to him, but none of it mattered because it was all behind him. He shook his head and stopped thinking about it, because he was the King of Medieval Europe.
Jerusalem had been having a hard time supporting a quarter of a million troops for a few months. That's a lot of people to have sleeping on couches and eating stuff from your fridges. It didn't help that Mayor Michael had gone to the Moon and taken his Vice Mayors (the two hot Jerusalem girls) with him. The Undersecretary was not really fit for the task of supporting all these troops. The wildlands around Jerusalem didn't have much game for hunting and the soldiers hated the food that came from the Jerusalem farms. They said that it was too weird for them and that they liked good, honest European food. There were cultural differences like that all over the place. The Undersecretary hoped that the troops would chill out and adapt. But the troops wouldn't do that because they were from the lower classes and had pride in weird things.

The King went to the Undersecretary of Jerusalem and he told him that everything was going to be cool. Michael was on his way back and the soldiers would be gone that very afternoon. The Undersecretary was so relieved. "In all honesty," he said to the King, "I was pretty afraid of those guys. They talk like gangsters!" The King nodded. "They are from the lower classes," he said, "But your fear is misplaced. They are cool. They are my guys. They ride with me." The Undersecretary understood, then he felt silly about ever being afraid of so many Europeans.

When the King walked in on the soldiers, they were having lunch. The King was dragging Gappy, who was being a blonde guy right then, with him into the gym that was being used as a lunch hall. It was the biggest gym/lunch hall in all of Jerusalem - it had eight vending machines - but it was still all cramped. There weren't enough tables for everyone. A lot of soldiers had to eat standing up. They were the ones who were not quick or popular enough to get a table.

When the King burst in through the doors of the gym, everyone stopped eating. They couldn't even believe it. The last time they had seen the King, he had blasted off into space with Leonard Cohen on a soundstage. Once they had gotten over how awesome that was, their thoughts turned to miserable ones. They knew that the King couldn't possibly have died - he was too cool and lucky for that - but each and every soldier was afraid that the King's adventures in space would be so much fun that none of them would get to see him again. They missed their King. They liked him being around.

The first thing that the King did when he went into that gym \ lunch hall was to pull a basketball out of his robe. He dribbled the call across the gym, dodging all the tables and jumping over people. When he crossed the half-way mark, he jumped right up into the air, flew across the remaining half of the gym / lunch hall and slamdunked that ball right through the hoop that had been bolted to the wall. This was how basketball was invented. The hoop had just been there for no real reason. From that moment on, every gym / lunch hall across Europe was fitted with at least one hoop, so that everyone could try and be like the King in at least one respect. But no matter how hard everyone tried, none could jam as hard or as sweet as the King did that day in Jerusalem.
All the soldiers in the gym / lunch hall were super-thrilled that the King had just done such a spectacular slamdunk. It was as if the King had never left! They all clapped their hands and shouted encouraging things that needed to be heard. They stood up on the tables and kicked away the Jerusalem food that was so unlike the food that their mothers and wives had ever made. They had forgiven the King for ever going away. They were ready to follow him anywhere. The King knew this and he ran towards the very doors that he had burst through, beckoning and laughing as he went. The soldiers all followed. Gappy had turned back into a magical reindeer, which was fortunate for the King's plans. He jumped up on Gappy's back and, one by one, the soldiers all did the same. It took at least half an hour for all the soldiers to get up on Gappy's back. There were just so many of them. And that was even discounting the ten thousand men who had been round the back of the gym / lunch hall on a smoke break. They had missed the whole thing. When the King and Gappy teleported away, those ten thousand European men were left there in Jerusalem. This would be historically significant.

The King had his army back. He was real pleased about that. He had missed his army. As much as he liked Jacob and Timothy, they were really no substitute for thousands of highly trained people armed with swords that could cut through anything who would all shout your name on command. Besides, Jacob and Timothy were still really thin and sickly. On the teleport back to Romania, the King told his army that they were going to attack the castle of the Dracula King and they were going to have a lot of fun doing it. In normal circumstances, the men might have had doubts, or even fears. But this is the King we're talking about. When they got to Romania, the King's Adventure Friends did their best to make the soldiers feel welcome, and their best was a whole lot. They had laid out a good spread of European food for them. The spread was right out in the open where it was cold and there were bats and lightning, but the soldiers were happy anyway. They ate and ate until they were strong for battle.
Next came the briefing. The King didn't really know much about the Dracula King, other than that he was totally hardcore and wasn't a guy you messed with unless you had a few thousand guys on your side. Axe Axewound, however, had met the Dracula King once. It had been long ago, back in Celtland, during the Bird Wars. The Dracula King had been so pleased with the damage and death that Terrorthaw's birds had done to Europe that he had flown over to Terrorthaw's floating fortress above Ireland to buy five hundred ravens off of him. The Dracula King wanted to breed the ravens as his personal fighting force. This didn't go so smoothly for the Dracula King, as Axe Axewound and his people had led a terrible strike on Terrorthaw's floating fortress that very afternoon. Axe Axewound had personally fought the Dracula King, mistaking him for one of Terrorthaw's evil henchmen. Axe had been at a much lower level back then. He'd been smaller, he hadn't had as much cool magic gear and his axe had been comparatively tiny. He was still able to kick ass, though. He could kill ten thousand birds in one day. Everyone listened to him because he was so forceful. Even so, he got totally messed up by the Dracula King. This happened because the Dracula King kept casting these spells that sucked hit points out of Axe Axewound and put them into him. Also, he could fly and so he was immune to Axe's earthquake attack. But Axe had learned something important during his fight. He told this to the troops amassed before him. It was super dramatic. Axe was up on high on a rock or something and all these thousands of guys were listening to him because he was so forceful. Lightning crashed in the background. It was raining, but nobody cared. "YOU HAVE TO HIT HIS MEDALLION!" screamed Axe Axewound, inspirationally. Then he turned into a werewolf and everyone was absolutely impressed.

It was time to start the war. Sally Minefield had been inside the Dracula King's castle for the whole afternoon, disabling traps, stealing cool stuff, unlocking doors and taking out some of the easier guards and hiding their bodies in the sewers. She was being surprisingly useful, and everyone was rethinking their opinion of her, but then she sprung a lightning trap and got killed. The King sighed; then went to war. His army tore a bloody swathe through the zombies, werewolves, skeletons, goblins, dog people, gorgons, mummies, leaf creatures, flying apes, bats, Dracula babies and snake monsters that stood between them and the Dracula King's castle. They had to take breaks whenever they came across the castle of a lesser Dracula so that the King and one or two Adventure Friends could storm the place, kill the Dracula at the top and make the castle blow up. When that happened, the army could continue. It took two weeks for the King's army to arrive at the gates of the Dracula King's castle. The Dracula King was ready for them but it didn't matter because they were in such high spirits.

Now was the time for heavy strategy. There wasn’t much need for it while they were rampaging across Romania but now the King’s army needed to split up and approach things in a clever way. The King assigned a certain number of troops to each Adventure Friend. Axe Axewound and Ba’al would be the artillery and would keep the hordes of the undead at bay while doing as much damage to the castle as possible. The King, Gappy and David would be the main strike team on the castle itself and would drop in from the roof. Colonel Glowfist and Roxy would be the auxiliary strike team and would come in through the sewers.

The first move was made by the Dracula King. He sent out his legions as soon as the King’s army showed up. The sky was filled with bats and battle ravens and screaming skulls. Ba’al was ready for these guys. You don’t mess with a weather god by throwing a bunch of flying things at him and expect it to work. Ba’al powered himself up and a cacophony of lightning replaced the winged threat with ashes and panic. While the Dracula King’s ground forces approached the King’s army, Axe Axewound, his strength boosted by a few potions and a spell from Roxy Tripfoot, hurled Gappy right onto the roof of the castle. Attacking from the roof was always a good move. Most of the King’s troops were riding on Gappy at the time, along with the King himself and David – his belt of invulnerability fully charged.

At the same time, Colonel Glowfist summoned a mole from the lowest and most hellish of the hell dimensions. This mole was ninety feet long. It had claws that could dig through the heart of a star. It had a cute little nose and slitty little sleepy eyes. Colonel Glowfist, Roxy Tripfoot and a whole bunch of troops climbed aboard the mole and then Colonel Glowfist compelled the mole to tunnel through the hard, compact Romanian soil. It disappeared beneath the Earth. The remaining troops were left outside the castle. They were staying put. Their whole job was to protect Axe Axewound and Ba’al while they used their strongest attacks. Axe Axewound, his strength still boosted way high, hurled his axe at the castle again and again. His axe blasted chunks out of the castle. It cut off whole turrets. It set fire to the ornate curtains inside. It returned to Axe’s hand whenever he wanted it to. Ba’al struck lightning everywhere. Winds blasted the approaching undead horde. Most of them were on fire. Hardy thorn-lined vines sprouted out of the ground and ripped undead legs to ribbons. Even so, there were so many hundreds of thousands of skeletons, zombies and mummies coming at Axe and Ba’al that the troops had to take the fight to them. One solider of Europe armed with a sword that could cut through anything could wipe out a forescore of undead before anything bad could happen to him, but the troops were still overwhelmed after half an hour or so. Axe Axewound and Ba’al had to concentrate all of their efforts on the undead army. It was a totally epic all over the place. Axe was cleaving through eighteen undead with each stroke and Ba’al was finally being as bad-ass as he had when he had fought with the King back in the Cave of Gyrolevikar. He used all of his powers, even the fire. As cool as all that stuff at the gate was, it wasn’t nearly as important as what was happening above and below the Dracula King’s castle.

Colonel Glowfist’s team struck first. His demonic mole stayed on this dimensional plane long enough to get them all into the sewers directly below the castle. From there, the troops swept through the giant rats and oozes and crocodiles while Colonel Glowfist charged up his spells and Roxy Tripfoot organised her prayers to her chaotic gypsy god. The chaotic gypsy god was in a good mood that day, having stolen Rick The Spider God’s special handkerchief and so ruined Rick’s marriage to Baroness Catsex. He granted all of Roxy Tripfoot’s prayers. Roxy received many bonuses to her concentration and spellcasting time. Her job was to heal Colonel Glowfist while he was fighting the demonic houseguests, staff and guards of the Dracula King’s castle. He would probably receive a lot of damage while he was casting his more elaborate spells. Also, he couldn’t move very fast, what with all the disgusting fat he had. She also had to be on hand in case he needed to use his Licence To Kick Ass. He couldn’t afford to die of a heart attack while in the thick of the Dracula King’s castle.

Colonel Glowfist’s team came up through the scullery. They killed some skeleton chefs and dressed up in their clothes. This got them through the next room without being molested by any giant maggot waiting staff, but then their cover was blown when Roxy started rifling through all the kitchen drawers, looking for silverware, so they had to kill the waiting staff anyway. So much for the stealthy approach. As soon as they left the kitchen, they were beset by horrors. Colonel Glowfist and Roxy let the troops deal with the horrors. They wanted to save their spells for a really important battle. The troops did pretty well. Only a few of them died.

The King’s team was having a rip roaring time at the top of the castle. Gappy had disgorged thousands of troops. The King led them through the attic and the gallery and the storerooms, storming right ahead of them, swinging David in every known direction, leaving the thousands of guys behind him only scraps to kill. Gappy stayed on the roof. He was the escape route. Big parts of the castle were on fire, so they were working against the clock on this mission. The King only paused to loot treasure from the bookcases, chests, wardrobes and secret rooms that were all over the place. Sally had unlocked them all on her part of the mission. Nobody blundered into a single trap, either. That was all thanks to Sally, too. The King found her body in one of the bedrooms. She had been dead for two weeks. Nobody had moved her body or taken any of her stuff. The King’s inventory was almost full, so he chose very carefully item to take from Sally’s corpse. He considered taking the ring that he had given Sally on her nineteenth birthday. It was magical and he could get a good price for it at a certain market he knew. But then he remembered that he had more money than he knew what to do with and that another thousand gold or so wouldn’t even do much of a difference. He plumped out instead for her black leather jacket. It allowed for the wearer to more easily move through the shadows completely unseen. The King was pretty good at stealth. He could use a jacket like that in certain situations. He stuffed it into his inventory and raced on down the passage to the main hall. He had one hell of a fight with some minor Draculas there. He went through a lot of troops and healing potions before it was over. After was done reading through the scroll that would recharge David’s magic belt that made him invulnerable, the King spoke the troops. They needed a pep talk after so many of them had died.

“Okay guys. I want you to know that you just went up against a room full of Draculas, and you killed them all. Only heroes can kill Draculas, so you guys are all now heroes. The dead guys are heroes too. Make sure to drop some silver in their mouths so that they can’t be resurrected. We’re going to stop for lunch by the save point then go on through to the inner sanctum. The monsters will be tougher there, but since you’re heroes now, you won’t worry about that.” The pep talk worked. The troops cheered. They didn’t care that their friends and brothers had died in battle against horrible monsters. They were heroes and they were going to win. Besides, there were still thousands of them left. They filled the whole hall. Some of them hadn’t even had a chance to fight anything yet. They were still fresh. The King served lunch.

Colonel Glowfist, Roxy Tripfoot and all their guys came in halfway during lunch. They were covered in blood and in magical fire shields. They looked around. “What’s for lunch?” smiled Colonel Glowfist. “I’m starving!”
Everyone laughed, because he was fat.

End Of Chapter 50