Saga Of The European King

The King had spent two years imprisoned in the belly of a really well-built stone temple. He spent the entire time in total darkness, with no one to talk to except the man who slid his food through the little door once every while. The man didn’t say much. The only food that he brought was all made of Maize, which was a new kind of life invented by Viking wizards. The King didn’t like the taste of Maize very much. It wasn’t European food. Most people would have thought that this was a bad situation. Not the King. On the first day of his imprisonment, he just looked around, realised in a second that the walls were so thick and well built that even his mighty wooden hands could not break them, shrugged, and started to meditate.

During his meditations, the King learned and rediscovered a lot about himself. The King was pretty old when compared to normal people. He was older than most of the people he had grown up with because he gained so many more experience points than anyone else and because he spent a lot much time logged on to the Astral Plane. Sometimes, because he had a lot to do, he lost track of some of the adventures he had had and would have to review them in a reduced, briskly-edited form so that he and everyone watching could catch up.

The King spent those two years of his imprisonment watching reruns of old episodes of his life. He paused only to eat a plate of Maize. You may think that this would have reduced the King in some way, or even made him weaker. You’d be wrong if you thought anything like that. Watching the reruns made him stronger and wiser and gained him even more experience points than before. Memories are powerful, especially if your memories are of truly awesome things that really happened.

A breakthrough occurred when the King remembered a whole section of his life as a boy in his mid-teens. He was still travelling with Father Dominoes at that point. Every week, the King, Michael, Mechanicus and Father Dominoes would travel to some new place that contained interesting facts and then the King would get in trouble or Michael would get kidnapped and then someone would have to save the day and Mechanicus would probably invent something and Father Dominoes would give out a lesson when it was all over. One week, while visiting Father Dominoes’ old friend, Father Christmas, up in Lapland, the King went out picking mushrooms by the Fungal Steam. Father Dominoes and Father Christmas were going to make a stew. The King thought that this was pretty boring. Stews are pretty boring, to be fair. So he wandered off into the woods looking for some wolves to kill. He didn’t find any, but he did hear a terrible crying noise coming from within the wood. He ran to the crying noise because he knew that something was in trouble and that it needed to be saved. He was right. When shoved aside a copse of tall grass and peered into a clearing of the woods, he saw a ferocious lion attacking a baby reindeer. The King knew exactly what to do. He ran right up to the lion and punched it in the face as hard as he could with his wooden fist. The lion was knocked unconscious and the King ran to the baby reindeer. It was not badly hurt, but it was very scared. The King hugged that baby reindeer with every ounce of his feelings. The hug was so intense and so magical that a good portion of the hug was transferred into the baby reindeer’s soul or whatever. The reindeer became a magical reindeer. There was no limit to the amount of people who could ride on him. The King called him ‘Gappy’ and they became friends forever.

But then the King looked over to the poor lion that he had punched in the face. The lion was crying and his face looked very bruised and sore. The King instantly felt sorry for what he had done to the beautiful creature. He was sorry for interfering with Nature and for injuring an innocent lion that had probably just tired and hungry and alone. He ran over to the lion and he hugged the lion just as he had hugged the baby reindeer. The hug lasted for twelve minutes. Just as before, some of the King’s magic leapt into the lion because of the intensity of the hug and of the King’s feelings.
“Thank you, Your Highness,” said the lion.
“Lion! You can talk!” said the young King, amazed.
“Yes, I can, young one. I am sorry that I tried to hurt the baby reindeer. You were right to stop me.” The lion said.
“No, I was wrong. You were just doing what you had to do.” Said the King. The lion began to cry.
“My pride is gone.” Sobbed the lion. “They died last winter. I am a sad old lion. I am so hungry. Lions normally hunt in packs.” He explained.
“I will call you ‘Trappy,’ lion. You can join my pride. We have adventures and learn important lessons. We could use a talking lion,” said the King. “And a magic infinite reindeer,” he said, looking over at Gappy.

And so Gappy and Trappy joined the King’s Adventure Friends and got up to all sorts of boyish fun. They traveled all around Europe and captured the hearts of everyone they met (except those nasty villains and crooks), and Trappy always to say his catchphrase in every episode. His catchphrase was, “Trappy to the ruh-ruh-rescue!” He even got his own single in 1991 – ‘The Trappy Rap!’ The lyrics to the song had Trappy teaching an ethnically-diverse gang of kids with baseball caps about being cool.

Eventually, though, when the King breached the next big age demographic, Trappy grew sick. He had been quite old when the King had met him. Father Dominoes and the King took him to the vet, and the vet said that Trappy had to be put to sleep. The King held the big old lion’s paw as he lay on the hard table and the vet gave him an injection. He softly and slowly sang the last verse of ‘The Trappy Rap!’ as the lion gently drifted away.

It’s really simple, just move and clap
From toe to toe and tap to tap
You wanna be cool? Do I hafta draw a map?
Just come on everybody and do the Trappy Rap!

Trappy!
Rap!
Trappy!
Rap!
Trappy!
Rap!

Come on everybody and do the Trappy Rap!

When the song was over. The King let go of Trappy’s paw. It hung limply by the side of the cold, hard table. The King closed his eyes as a boy. He opened them as a man.

He left Europe within the week. He left most of his supporting cast behind and wandered the fantastical lands beyond his Kingdom. He learned how to meditate, how to love and how to be the best possible person in the world. This whole period was called The New Saga Of The European King. We’ll get to that.

When the King, sitting there in that well-built prison, reflected on his memory of Trappy dying on that table, there was an audible click in the darkness. His prison cell was filled with light. Maize particles were scattered everywhere. The King smiled, but did not open his eyes. He knew what was up. Trappy had seen his emotions from Heaven. He had locked onto the intensity of the King’s memory. Everything was going to be all right.

“Trappy to the ruh-ruh-rescue!” said a ghostly voice. The King opened his eyes. There was Trappy, standing in the prison cell, wreathed in light. He looked younger and stronger than the King had ever seen him.
“What brings you to this neck of the woods?” said the King. It was the first thing he had said in nine months. Trappy’s reply was to lower his head and open his mouth. A pair of wooden hands fell to the floor with a heavy thunk. They were the King’s latest pair of hands. He had missed two birthdays, so Mechanicus had worked twice as long to produce a super-brilliant new pair.
“Thank you, Trappy,” smiled the King. “How is Heaven?”
“I sit at the feet of your father in his celestial throne room,” said Trappy, laughing. “We play golf every Sunday with Shaka Zulu. That crazy guy tells the best jokes.”
“And how is Sally doing? Is she settling in?” said the King.
“What you talking about, Your Highness?” said Trappy, suddenly worried. The King understood.
“Never mind. I am joking.” The King said. “Thank you for the hands, old friend.”
“Your Majesty, Mechanicus and little Brian Majesty are in a lot of trouble. You need to check if they’re okay as soon as possible.” Said Trappy.
“Will do, Trappy,” said the King.
“Be cool!” said Trappy, disappearing.

The King remained seated for exactly three seconds before he stood up, removed his hands, replaced them with the new ones, aimed his right arm at one of the prison walls and pressed a button on his outstretched wrist that fired his fist directly through the wall. The fist flew for one hundred metres under its own power before looping back around to reattach itself to the King’s arm. The King walked calmly through the gaping hole in the wall, waved the dust away and casually disarmed the three guards who had run to investigate the source of the explosion. He held a captured axe at the neck of one of the guards, with one of his powerful new hands squeezing the windpipe of another. He set his voice at medium intensity and spoke at the third. This is what his voice said:

“Take me to Erik Rage-Eater!”

End Of Chapter 57