Saga Of The European King

The King could not sleep, even though it was really late. He was thinking about Axe Axewound’s adventure. He hadn’t finished the story yet – apparently the really good parts were yet to come. The King really wanted to know what happened after that first confrontation with Dr. Tchaikovsky.

The King was also a little jealous of Axe Axewound. Of all the adventures the King had been on and enjoyed, he had never become a werewolf and rescued a load of animal friends. He had been in the forest, sure, and he had befriended lots of animals, but he felt then that he hadn’t gone all the way with these things the way that Axe Axewound had. He was also kind of upset that Axe Axewound had seemed to accumulate more girlfriends than him. Then he remembered that he was the King Of Europe and that Axe Axewound was his subject and owed complete fealty to him. He jumped up, ripped the travel-blanket off of Axe Axewound’s sleeping form, screamed mildly (remember, this actually means that it was really, really loud) and demanded that Axe Axewound finish his story. Axe Axewound was groggy and confused, but he got right on it. The King usually did something like this when there was a story to be heard.

Axe picked up where he had left off. He’d just saved his first girlfriend and he skimmed over the part where there was some pretty chauvinistic sex with her while she was stricken and traumatised. The King had been kind of uncomfortable when Axe had told him about the anthropomorphic animal sex/gangrape that he’d indulged in the earlier parts of the story, so he decided to spare him the details that he just wouldn’t understand. When all that was over, Axe had decided to follow Dr. Tchaikovsky. He had flown his little rocket ship into a cave. Axe had expected to find the ship crashed in some dark corner in the cave and the evil doctor crippled and cowering in a pool of his own terrified effluent. He was looking forward to tracking him down and eating him. He decided then that it would only be fair if his animal friends could get a bite or two of their own in, but only after he had devoured his share. He motioned for them to follow him. They pulled away from Axe’s weeping girlfriend and they all picked themselves up and followed him into the cave, singing.

They were kind of surprised to find more mechanical animals in the cave. Axe Axewound made short work of them, of course, and the prisoners inside were added to his growing entourage of furry friends. Then they all rode a bunch of mine carts and swam through underwater parts and battled a giant mechanical cave-worm. Axe Axewound had adventured around a lot of caves, so this was standard to him. When they did find Dr. Tchaikovsky, he turned out to be perfectly fine. He was in the middle of repairing his rocket ship. When he saw Axe and the others, he laughed, jumped in his rocket ship and rocketed straight up. Turns out that the cave was really tall and went up for miles. Then the water in the cave started to rise. Axe was familiar with this situation too, even though his animal friends were not. What one did in situations like these was to climb up the walls of the cave, jumping from platform to platform (sometimes the platforms fall just as you jump onto them, so you have to be quick) and keep ahead of the rising water. If the water touches you, you’re basically dead. Axe Axewound knew that his animal friends weren’t as good at jumping as he was, so he crammed as many of them into his inventory as possible. This ate up precious seconds and the water rose nearly up to his shoulders, but it meant that only a few of his friends would drown. The birds and bats and insects he left alone, because they could fly. He even left his mighty axe behind. He had no doubt that he could summon it later on. Then he got to jumping. At first, he had to jump onto rocky platforms and outcrops and giant wall-hugging birds’ nests and the like, but before long, he was jumping from jutting bits of brick and marble and collapsed pillars and man-ventions. Looks like there was some ancient, forgotten city above this cave! Axe Axewound was catching up with Dr. Tchaikovsky – he could hear the rocket-ship’s engines over the rush of the water below. All of this jumping from platform to platform was tiring him out, but the realisation that he was near this guy he wanted to kill spurred him on.

It was becoming lighter. Axe Axewound was getting near the surface. With one final, almighty leap, he made it onto the final ledge. It was shiny marble and his claws did not find purchase. He slipped. He was hanging onto the ledge by his claws. He was so tired.
“My friends!” he coughed, as the water below raced up towards his feet. “I’m not going to make it. Climb out of my inventory. Save yourselves!”
“You’re not going to give up that easily, are you, chum?” sang the little bluebird, orbiting his head. As he said this, the shy rabbit and the adorable baby fox climbed out of Axe’s inventory “We’ll help you out, since you’re in a bind.” Said the bluebird. They each grabbed a claw and tried to pull Axe up over the ledge.
“We’re not good enough!” cried the shy rabbit.
“We are, we are! Keep trying!” said the baby fox.
“We’ll have him up in a jiffy. You there, the all of you down his vest, get out here and assist us, please.” Said the bluebird.

And so all of the animals that had not drowned crawled out of Axe’s inventory onto the ledge and dragged him up onto the solid ground at the mouth of the cave. Only, it wasn’t a cave any more. Axe Axewound, exhausted, breathless and safe, looked up to see a great hall, all covered in cold marble, with tipped over statues and overgrown staircases. The water from the cave stopped rising at the line of the ledge. Axe was glad for the rest.
“No time to rest, Mr. Wolf.” Said the shy rabbit.
“Yes, we’ve got to catch that kill that foul bespoiler of our home!” said the bluebird. Axe groaned. Not many people realise how tiring it is to jump around all day. I bet that you only jump about three or four times before needing a nap and a roast chicken. Axe Axewound had been jumping near constantly for seven solid hours. And he’d beaten a robot cave-worm. He stuck out his arm and, with a twinkle of his magic amulet, his axe appeared in his hand. It was still on fire.
“Listen chum, if your exertion is that bad, we’ll do your fighting for you. We’ll carry your big axe and quash our enemies. You just walk along at a leisurely pace and direct us.” Said the bluebird. It was a good idea. They set out into the mysterious ruined city. You can be sure that there were more mechanical monsters in the way. Instead of hurling his axe and getting even more tired out, Axe would have one his animal friends throw it instead. This worked out a lot better than you might think, since every animal threw the axe slightly differently. For example, the shy rabbit bounced the axe off walls. The bloodthirsty bluebird would lift the axe in a high arc that would fall to the ground a few paces in front of him (handy for flying bad guys). There was a squirrel who ran with the axe across the ground, taking out bad guys that were crouching or fairly small.

Once it was discovered that all of his animal friends could do something besides mess up the frame rate and make the enemies hard to see, Axe tried experimenting. It turned out that there was, among his contingent, a racoon who could pick locks, a cat who could heal him if he got hurt, an unhatched egg that could explode whenever he wanted, a penguin that let him walk on ice and slippery surfaces with ease, a bat that allowed him to see in the dark. There was a toad that made his axe poison, a polar bear that made his axe ice, a horse that made his axe even MORE on fire. There animals for jumping higher, animals for secret rooms and special moves, animals for beating specific enemies and animals for breaking down different kinds of walls, or for climbing over them. And every mechanical thing he killed added another friend to his crowd. So even though he had started out being hardcore, Axe Axewound was now infinitely powerful and awesome and could do anything, thanks to his animal friends.

Everything was going pretty good until Axe missed-judged a jump onto a platform, fell into a pit full of spikes, lost all of his jewellery and died.

End Of Chapter 59