Saga Of The European King

The search crept into its third week. Colonel Glowfist was beginning to give up hope.

“David!” he called out once again. “Roxy! Ba’al! Bernardetta!” his voice was hoarse and crunchy, but he would not allow it to recover. His Light-Up spell dwindled and died, so he cursed and cast another one, casting the soft, wet insides of the octopus once again in an unnatural blue light. He was running low on magic and would have to rest soon. Gappy tried to help by shouting, too. “Buuuh!” he screamed, but it did no good, no good at all.

When the day, or what seemed about right for a day, had come to an end, Colonel Glowfist and Gappy returned to Base Camp in the octopus’ duodenum. Louis and the ten surviving Portuguese sailors peered out from around the campfire, their eyes glistening and searching.
“We found nothing,” said Colonel Glowfist. It was all there was to say, but Gappy said, “Uh!” anyway.
“Ye’ll find yer friends on the morrow,” said Louis after they ate their dinner of reheated octopus microvilli. “We’ll go out even further. There can’t be far much octopus to search.” Colonel Glowfist nodded, excused himself from the campfire and retired to his hut. He took up a whole hut by himself, thanks to his bulk, so there was no one to hear him cry save the bits and pieces of The Good Ship Oranje. If only he still had his Licence To Kick Ass, he would have found the missing Adventure Friends, pulled the drowned Portuguese crewmen from the depths of the ocean, revived them with a kiss and then gone to rescue the King with time to spare. But the laminated card was gone now. Some deep-sea clam or transparent lobster was kicking ass instead of him. We wondered what a transparent lobster would kick ass at while he fell asleep.

When the octopus had struck, the Adventure Friends had suddenly become a team again. Their King was as good as rescued, they were all cool with each other and everyone respected each other’s opinions. All this had become apparent in a second. They didn’t even have to look at each other to know it. They had been on edge and dramatic and bickery ever since the King had flown off after his ex-wife, but now that there was a giant octopus to fight, everything was going to be okay. Colonel Glowfist reached for his wallet as Bernadetta Leathervest and Ba’al wielded Cyclops’ Bane (a spear) and an ancient symbol of agriculture and fertility (a scythe), respectively. But his wallet was gone – he’d given it to David for the afternoon so that he could play Shop with the Portuguese cabin boy. Colonel Glowfist snapped his fingers in frustration and looked around the deck for David. It was only when he cast his eyes upwards that he found him. One of the rough-and-tumble Portuguese, knowing about the belt that made David invincible to harm and bullying, had thrown him head-first at the octopus. David was into that, being brave and cool, but the octopus was just too big. David disappeared into its colossal beak. Colonel Glowfist screamed a hugely amazing “NOOOOOOoooooo!” as he waddled at top speed over to the side of The Good Ship Oranje, firing explodo spells from his Infernal Gauntlet as he went. The explodo spells barely hurt the octopus and it responded by squeezing the ship right apart, an act that killed dozens of Portuguese and tipped Colonel Glowfist, Gappy, Louis and an unaccounted-for number into the dark, cavernous maw of the gigantic cephalopod.

Colonel Glowfist set off alone the next day. He couldn’t rely on Gappy staying a reindeer and on Louis not guilting him about all the time. He’d woven a little Blanket Of Haste out of microvilli that he wore around his neck. It was more of a Napkin Of Haste, really, or a Bib Of Haste, even. Regardless, it had taken up a good deal of Colonel Glowfist’s mana for the day and allowed him to waddle faster than normal and he was able to cover a lot of ground. He went far beyond the digestive system, through the respiratory system and into the central nervous system. There were monsters, of course – Colonel Glowfist had seldom been to a place that did not have monsters, but nothing that could not be dealt with by a few Level One Blast spells. After a day and a half of solid, high-speed waddling that left his thighs red and raw and his heavily enfolded leg-bones all quivering and numb, he reached the octopus’ brain. He had never ventured so far before. He was exhausted and near to collapse, so he rested on a fold of grey matter. He put his hands behind his back, let his head rest on his shoulders and closed his eyes. As soon as he closed his eyes, his mind was filled with a voice. The voice said,
“U hv cum 4 da boy???! : 0” Colonel Glowfist opened his eyes. He looked deeply into the brain of the octopus. He turned his Light-Up to the highest level. Suspended there in the translucent folds was David. He was curled up and perfect. His belt throbbed intermittently with a faint, nearly undetectable yellow light.
“Yes. Give me the boy,” said Colonel Glowfist, “And I shall leave.” Then he shut his eyes to give the octopus a chance to respond.
“Alot of majic dis 1.. i gun na ate it but slow!!!? >: {}”
“Look at me, creature! I’ve more magic inside of me than twenty little boys! Why not eat me?” said Colonel Glowfist. He had to wait a long time for a response.
“Gud idee gun na ate u den lol!!!! boy v.small gunna giv him bk,. ; D”
“It’s a deal, creature. Give the boy back unharmed and you can have me. I swear upon my life and my sacred oath as an archmage.” Said Colonel Glowfist. Archmagi have serious rules about making promises. If they didn’t, then archmagi could just go around doing whatever they liked. The octopus knew this. Slowly but surely, David was squeezed out of the octopus’ brain. He landed in a wet heap at Colonel Glowfist’s feet.
“Papa! Where am I?” he squeaked.
“Hush child. Your papa is nearby. Take this Handkerchief Of Haste and run as fast as you can to the creature’s stomach. You’ll find Louis and Gappy and your other friends there. Go quickly!” said Colonel Glowfist. David blinked and then obeyed. Colonel Glowfist looked the octopus’ brain straight in the goo and then closed his eyes.
“U gotto cum w.me now!!!! U prmised and sed u wld : |” intoned the voice. Colonel Glowfist smiled. He took his hands out from behind his back and showed them to the octopus’ brain. He had had his fingers crossed the whole time. He didn’t owe the octopus dick!
“Joke’s on you, octo-jerk!” shouted Colonel Glowfist, punching the air with the hand clad in his Infernal Gauntlet. This let out the biggest, baddest explodo spell he had ever made right into the middle of the octopus brain.
“>: U !! 8 C !!!” screamed the octopus as Colonel Glowfist made a break for it.

At that very moment, the only surviving lifeboat washed up on the shores of a totally awesome beach filled with honeys. Sunburnt, starving and weak, Roxy Tripfoot gently rolled out of the boat and into the light surf. Bernardetta Leathervest soon followed, remaining upright with the help of her spear, Cyclops’ Bane. It had spiked them many succulent fish during their time at sea and was the only reason they had survived long enough to reach land. Bernadetta helped Roxy Tripfoot to her feet and put the flask containing the last of the rainwater to her mouth. Once Roxy had lapped up the warm water and wet her parched mouth and throat, both women were suddenly aware of a man standing not so far away. They turned their heads, and Bernardetta was not so weak to not leap into a deadly martial stance. The man had a strange face that looked slightly African, yet he had the complexion of a man from Islamaland and the features of a European. He was wearing a colourful shirt that billowed open over a white cotton vest. He was wearing sunglasses. His hair was cropped very short.
“Chill, ladies! I ain’t gonna hurt ya!” He said. Bernardette did not back down. The strange man did not lose his cheerful, carefree, sassy demeanour.
“I’m Will Smith. Your world has just flip-turned upside down! Welcome to Miami!” He said.

End Of Chapter 65