Saga Of The European King

Colonel Glowfist had not spoken to anyone but David for five days. Every ounce of his self was going into the spells he was using to sail the corpse of the giant octopus across the waves, to delay the process of putrification and to stave off the scavengers that would to nibble their vessel to naught. Everyone else thought that this was pretty normal behaviour for Colonel Glowfist. He'd been distancing himself from people ever since he had become so colossally fat and had become a virtual recluse since the King had run off after his ex-wife. Louis was the only one who had noticed this change in the Colonel's demeanour. Gappy was too stupid, being a reindeer, to notice anything important about people and the Portuguese crew of The Good Ship Oranje had only ever seen him as a big fattie. David didn't even know that the kindly and handsome godfather who had always brought him great presents was the same person as the sweating, ill-tempered, flabby monstrosity that was his teacher.

So it was David who had to trundle into Louis' base camp in the octopus' stomach and tell everyone that land had been sighted.
“Master Glowfist says that he's done seen land.” squeaked David in his eight-year old tenor.
“Thank the Portuguese God fer that!” shouted Louis. “I never thought I'd hate living in an octopus!” Everyone agreed. Living inside an octopus sounds awesome but it really isn't, man. It's dark and gross and weird and there are puddles everywhere. You can't go for a decent walk without having to crawl through something wet and warm. And it smells like cat pee all the time. The Portuguese don't get on with cats. Gappy turned from a reindeer to a human because it was very inconvenient for him to do so right then. He'd have been very useful as a reindeer. They could have loaded up all the swallowed debris from The Good Ship Oranje onto his magical back and taken it all onto shore at once. They could have built themselves a nice little house with that debris. But no. Gappy had to go and be a naked blonde guy right then and become basically useless. He had gotten over his thing of screaming all the time whenever he became human but he still couldn't talk or play cards or fight or do spells or anything else that was cool or useful. The Portuguese sighed as one and slowly moved away from Gappy, who didn't understand what was going on.

When David returned to Colonel Glowfist, he found the archmage weeping at the spectral steering wheel he had conjured up. David knew enough about magic at this point to know that you never touch a crying wizard. He kept his distance and asked Colonel Glowfist what was wrong.
“I hope that Roxy is still alive,” he managed. David nodded.
“Yes. I'm gonna marry her.” he said. Colonel Glowfist didn't need to be reminded.

Colonel Glowfist landed the octopus with only minor difficulties. Everybody scrambled out of the enormous husk of the octopus and screamed their relief at the beach. Colonel Glowfist let go of his many spells. The octopus corpse was immediately beset by the thousands of seagulls that had been following them across the waves. Colonel Glowfist felt a bit faint after releasing all those spells, so he didn't even notice the totally kicking beach party that sprang up around them. There's nothing that gets a totally spontaneous Miami beach party going than a dead octopus of impossible proportions. The music was thumping and someone gave David some margaritas to drink. This made him go around, showing off the magic spells he had learned to older kids, who were into it.
“We'd like to see your King or Chief or what-have-you,” said Louis to a beautifully tall Miami native girl.
“Will Smith's out of town,” she said, “But you guys can crash at my place if you want.” Everyone in Miami was free to crash at anyone else's place. It was the Law. So everyone crashed at the tall girl's house that night and ate hot dogs straight out of the fridge and went swimming all the next day. Soon it became apparent that this Will Smith wasn't coming back to Miami any time soon and that they should venture on to look for the King themselves. But Louis had something to say.
“We're staying.” he said. Colonel Glowfist understood. “We's a sea-faring people, us Portuguese. We'd be no good to yas out there in wherever this place may be. We'd slow yas down and would get captured by monsters near every day.” He had thought about this. “The lot of us, we'll work here in Miami, see if we can't build us a new Oranje. We'll be here when the King needs us, you'll see.”
And so Colonel Glowfist and David and Gappy waved goodbye to their furry little Portuguese friends. They weren't very good friends anyway. David was quite fond of them all, true, but Glowfist had barely spoken to any of them and Gappy just got on everyone’s nerves. So it wasn't so bad, really.

Meanwhile, the King had made good progress on his journey out of the Vikinca capital. He had no idea that Will Smith, Roxy Tripfoot and Bernadetta Leathervest had arrived at the Mask Temple just days after he had left it. They had found a still-grumpy Erik Rage-Eater! there, of course, who hadn't been very helpful. He had, in fact, tried to kill them in a very half-hearted way before he had got bored and wandered off. Bloody and exhausted, they were delighted / surprised to find Axe Axewound wandering around the Vikinca city with some Viking filly.
“Axe! Axey!” screamed Roxy, running up to him. Axe Axewound turned and opened his mouth in shock at the sight of Roxy, whom he had not seen for over two years, all beaten to a pulp and leaking rabbits everywhere. The last time that Roxy Tripfoot had seen Axe Axewound, he had been behaving like a total dick and had run off into the forest to have his tremendous furry adventure. Not forgiving him instantly was completely out of the question, for he was an Adventure Friend. While hugging, Axe noticed the square-shaped woman waiting impatiently behind Roxy.
“Is this your new tank?” asked Axe Axewound.
“Yes. We found her in Italy. We helped her finalise her divorce by breaking into her husband's house and finding the love letters he had written to a younger woman. He had been jailed for adultery and Bernadetta had been so grateful that she'd joined the Adventure Friends party.”
“I've heard a lot about you, wolf.” said Bernadetta Leathervest. “We'll swap stories over drinks. Don't think that mine can't match yours, kill for kill.” Axe Axewound raised his eyebrows then introduced Astrid Gimmerleck.
“She's my lass.” He said. “She's into wolves that walk upright and the like.” Astrid blushed.
“Axe. We came here to look for the King. Trappy told us to find him here. Instead we find you. What has happened?” said Roxy Tripfoot, breaking the hug. Axe's face darkened.
“He is no longer my King, Roxy. He broke the law that binds together all of Europe. I will say no more, lest I fly into a murderous rage.” He growled.
“Wait, wait, wait. Which law are we talkin' bout?” said Will Smith from the back.
“Who are you, stranger? You look like no manner of man I've ever seen. Is there a part of the Infernal about you?” said Axe Axewound.
“Man, what is wid you You-ro-peens? Hasn't a single one of yous ever seen a black man before?” said Will Smith in a high-pitched voice.
“The Law,” snarled Axe Axewound, “forbids any son of Europe from hitting on his friend's girl. My former King broke that law not long ago.” Everyone took this in. Bernadetta gasped, because she was actually the most European of everyone there. Roxy Tripfoot had adopted Europe as her homeland and Will Smith hadn't even heard of Europe until very recently.
“That's a crime over in your country? Damn! Homes, let me tell you that that stuff happens all the time, law or no law.” said Will Smith.
“He is the King Of Europe. He broke a law of Europe.” said Axe Axewound.
“Yi! Yous so uptight, dog. You've got to learn to chill a little. Listen, can I rap at you for a second?”
“What?” said Axe Axewound. Will Smith took a deep breath.

So your King kissed your flygirl
Are you gonna start a fight
You gonna keep barking, doggy
Or are you gonna bite?

I know ya like killing people
That's just ya style
And that gets ya mighty cranky
But don't touch that dial
Just leave it there, don't make a move
Sit yourself down get yaself in the groove

And just breathe
(Bre-he-heheheeeeeeeathe)

You gotta chill, dog (Chill, you gotta chill)
Stop ya bow-wow-wowing and take it slow
Ya gotta be like me, dog (Chill, you gotta chill)
Will Smith style is the way to go

Cos you're all uptight with all ya laws
But that's not what life is about, yeah all a' yours
If ya think just a second and take a pause
Then ya'll see it's just your anger that's proppin' up your cause

Cos I'm the Prince and you're the dog
So I know what sticks
You're a flaming axe for hire
And I'm Will Smith
Don't let your anger get the best of you
I know this guy dissed you
But you're friends, don't ever forget that
Friendship is what keeps us together

You gotta chill, dog (Chill, you gotta chill)
Stop ya bow-wow-wowing and take it slow
Ya gotta be like me, dog (Chill, you gotta chill)
Will Smith style is the way to go

Uh
Yeah
Uh
Yeah
Like that (Uh-huh)
Yeah

When Will Smith finally stopped going 'Uh,' there was a silence of exactly fourteen seconds and then Axe Axewound burst into tears, turned into a wolf, rolled around on the ground and held himself so tightly. Will Smith just nodded his head.
“I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Take me back!” yelled Axe Axewound to the King, who wasn't there.

End Of Chapter 69