Saga Of The European King

The King was living rough. That was cool, he'd done it before. He'd lived out in the wilderness for months at a time. He knew how to eat nuts and berries and dead owls. He knew how to fight off wolves. It's just that it was kind of weird and strange in the United States and he was having a hard time coping with those differences. Food looked different and owls were either much smaller or much bigger, depending on many factors. In fact, the King was starving to death and hadn't had a sip of water in days.

He'd done the first trick that everybody knows – he'd slit open his armadillo's throat and lapped at the torrents of salty blood that gushed forth from its panting wound. He couldn't resist the urge to make a suit of armour out of its scales, but the armour just slowed him down and made him really sweaty so he had to bury it. He didn't want an enemy finding such a rocking suit of armour just lying there. He kept on having random encounters with wild animals, but he wasn't used to fighting things like rattlesnakes and buzzards ocelots, skunks, gangs of opossums, curassows, manatees, (on beach or ocean tiles) iguanas, and one silver haired bear that gave him a lot of trouble. Every one of these strange critters offered a pretty difficult fight, but the King gained a lot of raw knowledge and mastery over his many skills by fighting them. They would also drop some pretty cool gear that was just as or even more powerful than the gear he had fought so hard to wrest off of Erik Rage-Eater! He had found a stick of enchanted eye-liner on a jackalope he had punched to death that gave the wearer a very significant resistance to mind control and being stunned. The King couldn't wear it because he was a boy, but he reckoned that it would be perfect for Roxy Tripfoot, who tended to get charmed and used against the Adventure Friends a lot in combat. It was really irritating. The King knew that he would see Roxy Tripfoot again, you see. He would always see an Adventure Friend again. It was part of being an Adventure Friend. He pressed on North. He passed the last city of the Mexicans. The Vikincas had wiped out all the people but hadn't moved in yet. He stayed a night in a haunted zigguraut and had to fight loads of ghosts. These fights were difficult, too. Normally, ghosts were a pushover. They would only attack you if you turned your back on them. But these ghosts were pissed off. They had mistaken the King for a Vikinca marauder, which is something that ghosts do a lot. They were immune to just about all of the King's attacks and kept on jumping around and confusing him with illusions and shooting nightmares at him. He had to use the Dark attacks he had picked up on the Astral Plane to smack them about. Even so, it was a punishing night's work. The first floor of the zigguraut was full of Mexican ghosts - which weren't really that hard to beat – but each level got progressively tougher. The second level was full of Mayan ghosts, the third level was full of Inca ghosts, the fourth level was full of Aztec ghosts, the fifth level was full of Moche ghosts and the final and almost impossible sixth level was full of Quimbaya ghosts that were made of gold but like weird gold. Ghost gold. Anyway, by that point the King had figured out that he could pinpoint the weak points on the ghosts by smell alone and he could use his normal punching and fighting attacks against them. He was exhausted after all that, but he had learned a lot about himself and the world. He also had gained a load of crazy gear for himself and his Adventure Friends. It was good stuff and looked interesting when worn. He went back into the wilderness all covered in feathers and gold and magic facepaint. Oh yeah, and he now had more cash than was really possible.

If you thought that the King was alone the whole time, you can just forget it. For one, he had Cutty with him. Cutty could store over ten thousand songs on his metal brain and could sing them pitch-perfect whenever the King wanted him to. Sometimes he would sing when the King didn't want him to – like when they were supposed to be quiet or when they at a wedding or funeral or something – but most of the time it meant that the King could always rock out to Burzum or Leonard Cohen or songs about him. Another reason that the King was not alone the whole time was that he met Ba'al. They met in a random encounter. The King thought that it would be more raccoons or giant anteaters or something that he'd have to fight, but the encounter turned out to be with Ba'al, his friend who was also a Desert God.

“Your Highness. At last I have found you,” said Ba'al, bowing. “You move very quickly through the wild.”
“Ba'al! As I live and breathe! Where are the others? Are they with you?” said the King, laughing with the purest joy.
“No, my King,” said Ba'al, laughing. He could not help but laugh with the King. “We became separated.”
“Tell me what happened, please.” said the King. Ba'al was totally going to do it, but then they both got attacked by a Vikinca patrol. The Vikincas were hard to beat, but the King was more experienced and had put on some better gear since he'd last fought Vikincas at the Mask Temple. It was still a long and tough fight and even though they won, the King and Ba'al needed to find somewhere to rest so that they could heal and recover. The King tore the hearts out of the defeated Vikincas, sending them to Viking Heaven. Ba'al was surprised at this.
“There is powerful healing magic in their hearts. But you must never eat more than one. Terrible things can happen.” said the King. Ba'al nodded.
“My godly eyes saw the moment that you broke a law of Europe, my King. I saw that you were under the influence of dark magic.” said Ba'al.
“I deserve no saving throw for what I have done, Ba'al. We must return to Europe quickly so that we can defeat Winter and restore my lost esteem. I cannot rule my people with my soul so tainted.” said the King. He was serious. Ba'al understood. They hugged. They got each other's blood smeared over both their bodies. They ate a Viking heart each and rested in a small cave. There, Ba'al told the King what was potting.

“All of the Adventure Friends combined were no match for the giant octopus' surprise attack, your Highness.” said Ba'al. “We have many levels yet to climb. Our dear friends Colonel Glowfist, Louis and Gappy, along with your son, sweetest, gentle David, were consumed by the beast. I am sorry.” The King then cried. He had lost his best friend (well, he had been his best friend before he got so fat) and his only son. His name was disgraced and his heir was dead. He cried and hugged Ba'al and got snot all over his hair.
“Roxy Tripfoot still lives, my King. As does our newest friend, Bernadetta Leathervest. We recruited her to replace Axe Axewound, who disappeared shortly after you set off after your ex.” sobbed Ba'al. He was crying too. “I manifested myself as a raincloud and gave them the fresh water they needed to survive until they struck the shores of Miami. They entered into the care of a kindly prince there. They are safe.” The King looked up. This was a mercy. He still had some Adventure Friends to his name.
“Axe Axewound still lives,” croaked the King though his tears, “But I have done him a grave injustice. I fear I will not see him again.” he said. Ba'al wasn't too put out by this one. Axe Axewound had been a real tool to him and the others before he had run off into the forest.
“Maybe he'll turn up again,” said Ba'al distantly.
“How did you become separated, Ba'al?” said the King. Ba'al coughed.
“As soon as I set foot on Miami, the local gods of this place took me aside and interrogated me. Their ways are strange and I did not speak their language. There then followed a solo adventure among the gods that would take at least five chapters to explain.” said Ba'al.
“Axe Axewound already had one on those.” said the King. “We don't have time for the telling of another one.”
“Fine.” sniffed Ba'al. “Long story short: I got this ball of tobacco from Wohpe and this clawed glove from the Bear Spirit. They will help you overthrow the President Of The United States.”
“How did you know I was going to overthrow the President Of The United States?” said the King.
“The gods are on your side. They will give you safe passage on your journey. They're really excited about the whole thing.” said Ba'al.
“Huh.” said the King.

Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Miami, Colonel Glowfist was stuck in a swamp. He was about to be eaten by alligators. It would have taken the alligators three days to eat him. He called out to David, whose eyes glowed blue as he hurled himself at the hungry reptiles. Colonel Glowfist thought that this was a very bad idea as his Chinese belt of invincibility was in need of a recharge. He need not have worried. David made up a completely new spell as he moved through the air that recharged his belt instantly. He bounced from one alligator's head to the next. Each one was destroyed in turn. David had exploded six alligators in one jump. He landed neatly on the swamp's bank and rummaged through Gappy's back for some rope. With a lot of heaving and sweating and strength spells, Colonel Glowfist was freed from the swamp. He was covered in leeches. David thought that it was the leeches that were making him cry, not the fear.

End Of Chapter 70