Category: Book 1 - It is Winter.Flip the order!
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Chapter 20 - There are no tears in Hell.
Everyone in the Capital City of Europe wanted to hug Father Dominoes at least twenty times before he left. Everyone in Europe looked up to and admired Father Dominoes for his steadfast faith and pleasant demeanor, and the people were sad to see him go. The Archbishop of Europe, who had always been jealous of Father Dominoes’ popularity, was the first to burst into tears when the Devil led the good Father by the hand out of the gates of the city.
The King and his Adventure Friends, along with a host of missionaries, followed the pair at a respectable distance on their donkeys and Awesome Horses. They had to use the doorways into Hell as a shortcut across Europe one last time, so that they could catch up with Gappy and the five hundred thousand troops riding North on his back. The soldiers were still hypnotized into thinking that the King was with them the whole time, and the King felt bad about having to lie like that. He would make it up to them with ice-cream for everyone. He had had the best ice-cream makers in Europe work day and night to make the greatest ice-cream in the world, and then his court magicians had condensed the gigantic pile of yummy ice-cream into a spell that could fit into Colonel Glowfist’s Infernal Gauntlet. The troops would be so surprised when, all of a sudden, every one of them would have a nice big bowl of ice-cream for themselves. Thinking about it made the King smile, even though his face was covered in tears from Father Dominoes leaving. The newest Adventure Friend liked it that the King was smiling, and started talking about dinosaurs.
The new Adventure Friend was Prince David. He was riding on the King’s donkey, getting soaked by the King’s tears. The King had figured that with so many gypsies and birds prowling around and with Terrorthaw on the loose (the scouts had found no trace of him or his church-tower rocket), David was safer on the move with the Adventure Friends than back at the city. The King had decided that David was going to one of those Kings that could also do magic, because he always wanted to be a King like that, so Colonel Glowfist was charged with training the young prince as an apprentice. Colonel Glowfist had mixed feelings about this. He was pretty glad to be given the honour of training up a future King who could also do magic, but he was very worried by the fact that the King had decreed that David be the one to marry the woman Colonel Glowfist loved more than any other woman, including Sally Minefield. He looked over at Roxy Tripfoot, who was that woman he loved, and she smiled a little smile. She was thinking of a plan. She wasn’t the kind to just take things lying down. She was the Queen Of The Gypsies, and she had cunning.
They arrived at the closest doorway to Hell in just one day. Nothing very exciting had happened to them. They were once almost attacked by birds, but one fireball from the Devil pretty much massacred them all. When they entered into Hell, all the demons and lost souls were so glad to see the Devil again, and they had all sorts of questions to ask. They crowded around him and kept pushing and shouting excitedly. The Devil waved his hand to calm him down.
“Now, now everyone. I want you all to settle down. I wasn’t gone for long, and all I did was teach that villain Terrorthaw a thing or two. He’s not a quick learner, and he almost got the better of me. You’ve all got the King of Europe to thank for the fact I was able to come back at all.” At that, the souls of the damned and a huge spread of demons looked over at the King. The King was solid, serious and silent. He was still crying, but the heat was evaporating the tears as soon as they came out of his eyes. This was good, because no one could see him crying.
“He’s probably the greatest man I know.” Said the Devil, sincerely. “But he’s just passing through. I’d like to introduce you all to Father Dominoes, who’ll answer any questions you have about the King, about Terrorthaw, or about what happened to me while I was above ground. If he’s too busy, ask one of his men. They are the ones in the brown robes. I’m going to retire to my study now. I’ve got to get back to work.” At that, the Devil strode off, pausing only to bow a goodbye and thank you to the King and his Adventure Friends. Father Dominoes and his host of missionaries was mobbed by every kind of demon and tortured soul imaginable, each with their own question they wanted answering. The King and his Adventure Friends rode on through Hell. They had already said their goodbyes to Father Dominoes. They would go on without him.
Two days later, they emerged from a Hellish doorway far away from the Capital City of Europe. After a week’s intense travel assisted by Colonel Glowfist’s spells of fleetness, they caught up with Gappy the magic reindeer and the half of the King’s army that was saddled upon him. Colonel Glowfist removed the hypnosis spell on the soldiers and the Adventure Friends and their steeds climbed up on Gappy’s back, where they continued on towards the unnamed lands of the North, where many great adventures would await them.
End Of Chapter 20
Chapter 19 - A nice pasta dinner.
They didn’t leave right away for the North. Even though Winter was growing harsher and colder – no doubt taking advantage in the delay to build its strength – the King had urgent business to attend to at the Capital before he could set off on his adventure again.
First, there was the town that Terrorthaw had used for his body. Everyone in the town was homeless now, and they were cold, hungry and making everyone sad. There were also eighteen thousand armed gypsies prowling around the lands of Europe that needed taking care of. The Devil wanted to renegotiate the alliance between Europe and Hell. The King had to make sure that the Capital City Of Europe couldn’t be sneakily attacked again, that David was taken better care of and that everyone knew about David’s designated wedding to Roxy Tripfoot. General Majesty was waiting to give his full report on his travels so far, he had to brief a scouting party to track down the ever-elusive Terrorthaw and Father Dominoes wanted a quiet word when the King wasn’t so busy. To top it all off, his girlfriend wanted a fancy dinner alone with him, and none of his friends were allowed to come. Not even David. It was so infuriating.
The King looked down at his plate and chewed his pizza in the most awesome way imaginable. He managed to crunch it, even though it was pizza and quite soft. Not only that, but he ground it to fine paste in just three chews. The King’s teeth were peerless in all of Medieval Europe. He had killed many men and gypsies with them, and no pizza was going to give them any bull. To make matters even worse for the pizza, the King was angry.
“So tell me what you guys got up to on your adventure,” asked the King’s girlfriend sweetly.
“Jesus.” Said the King. “You have no idea. There is just too much for me to tell you. We did so much stuff, almost all of which was awesome. I killed people. I can’t possibly explain it to you. It would be limiting, and destroy the whole experience.” The King’s girlfriend understood this, and went back to her pasta. In exactly sixteen seconds, she asked, “Did you sort everything out with the Devil?” At this, the King just went nuts. He jumped up on the table, kicked the crap out of his pizza and stamped his foot until the table broke in half and he was just standing there, surrounded by broken table and spilled pizza. Tears were streaming down his face. He was sad, and she knew it. Everyone in the restaurant knew it and they went quiet, out of respect for the sadness. “What’s wrong?” asked the King’s girlfriend, understanding him completely.
“He’s taking Father Dominoes!” wailed the King. “I’m never going to see him again! He’s going!” The King’s girlfriend shushed him then and gave him a long, understanding hug. Some of the King’s sadness diluted into his girlfriend and the mean average of their combined sadness was now low enough for the King to be able to speak again.
The meeting with the Devil had gone pretty well, up to a point. They had used the Grand Hall for the meeting, because it was the only room in the city big enough for the Devil to sit in. The King was wearing a special Ring Of Diplomacy, which gave him the ability to negotiate plus two. The Devil’s problem was that he wanted to leave Hell. He wanted to go home. He couldn’t do that until everyone in Hell loved the King and were then permitted to leave. What he wanted from the King was a complete rehauling of their alliance so that souls could be rehabilitated en masse. The first thing that needed to be done was to reorganize all of the doorways to Hell that were lying around Europe. Starting from the one just outside the Capital City, each doorway would lead to a pit full of more difficult demons than the last. The reason being that the King’s warriors would be able to go off on adventures and they would meet progressively more difficult demons the further they got from the city. The Devil, in turn, would be able to rank the souls in Hell along with the demons. So long as every European warrior slayed demons in the name of the King, word would get out in Hell about how awesome and cool the King was. Souls who already knew about the King and maybe even liked him a bit would be settled around the doorways that came out closer to the city, because they didn’t need so much convincing to love the King and so be allowed to leave Hell. Souls who had never heard of the King or were gypsies would be settled much farther away, so that they would hear of the totally badass and hardcore warriors who adventured far and hard, but also really loved the King and weren’t afraid to admit it while killing gigantic, awesome boss-demons. The downside to this ranking system for the King was that it would be impossible to travel through Hell to take shortcuts, because Hell was going to be all sectioned up and under construction for at least another century. The upside was that Europe would have better warriors on the whole and that the demons that came out of the doorways near cities would be easily beaten by any plucky boy with a wooden sword who was destined for greatness. There were a ton of those in every city in Europe. Also, when the Devil was done with Hell at some time in the future, the King would get claim to all of its lands, which were infinite. This was a pretty good deal, and the King kissed his Ring Of Diplomacy for landing it. There was a catch, though.
The Devil needed missionaries to preach the good name of the King within Hell itself. They would be led by the greatest and the goodest priest in all of Europe. At that point, Father Dominoes stepped out from behind a pillar and said, “Your Highness, I want to be the one to lead the missionaries into Hell. I want to save those poor souls. This is the reason I became a priest. Please, let me go with the Devil.”
“You want to go to Hell?” asked the King, tears welling up in his eyes.
“Yes. More than anything.” Replied Father Dominoes.
“How long will you be gone?” said the King.
“There are a lot of lost souls in Hell, my Highness. I cannot say.” Said Father Dominoes in a low voice.
“When will you come back?” asked the King, his voice rising high. Father Dominoes said nothing. He only looked at the Devil. The Devil looked down, unsure of what to say either. The King cried. He went up to his room and cried for half a day and then went to dinner at a fancy restaurant with his girlfriend.
“Don’t cry,” said the King’s girlfriend, understanding him. “It’ll be okay. He’s doing good work. You’ll see him again.”
“No I won’t!” burbled the King. He blew his nose, then cried again.
Everyone in the restaurant was sad for him, too.
End Of Chapter 19
Chapter 18 - The gypsy queen.
It had been almost a century since the Capital City Of Europe had been attacked by an army. They had defenses, and Commander Flightfeather’s garrison consisted of two hundred and fifty thousand men, but they were unprepared for attack, and Flightfeather himself had been knocked out by a flying brick when Terrorthaw had fired all of his guns at the Devil. The King realized this, and knew that he didn’t have enough time to rally his troops before the gypsies breached the walls of the city. He needed to give his army time to get ready, or else their superior numbers would mean nothing. The gypsies would have inflicted tremendous damage and he would have failed Europe. He would never fail Europe. He would not allow it. His father would not allow it.
Though he was weak from his wounds, and had foul gypsy-dung running through his blood, corroding his insides, the King ran right out of the ruins of Terrorthaw’s abandoned body, picked up Cutty from the ground by David’s abandoned party, called out to his Adventure Friends and headed to meet the gypsy hordes head-on. Father Dominoes had used all of his healing spells for the day on the Devil, who was on his feet but far from at full strength.
“You’re not fit to fight, Your Highness, fall back to the city! Our doctors will help you!” pleaded Father Dominoes.
“Not before I’ve killed ten score of filthy gypsies!” laughed the King. There was no arguing with him. He was difficult.
So the Adventure Friends ran out at the gypsy hordes while inside the city, Commander Flightfeather’s lieutenants got all of the King’s soldiers together and put together a defense for the city. If you’d been there and seen the Adventure Friends going out to fight, you’d have seen that Roxy Tripfoot wasn’t with them. Where was she, you would wonder, but you wouldn’t find out till later. Horns and sirens were sounded, and all those outside the city walls hurried to get inside. In the sky, Terrorthaw laughed and laughed and shot at the people running inside the city with his nine. He killed two washer-women and didn’t even stop to think about it, even though they had been really nice people.
Even though there were eighteen thousand gypsies running at the city, eighteen thousand was a tiny number compared to the number of gypsies that terrorized Europe day in and day out. They were even more troublesome and bad for European stability than the Irish, and that was saying something. They could live anywhere, even in mud. Their ancestors had probably made some horrible blood-sex-pact with one of the gross gods, which would explain why they were so filthy and acted so weird all the time. The King’s girlfriend, in a moment of weakness, had once taken in an abandoned baby gypsy she had found while jogging one morning. She kept the baby secret from the King, but within three weeks the baby had done something really weird and dangerous and the King had put them both to death. He cried when they burned his girlfriend, but he knew that it was for the good of Europe.
Let me just clear this up for you, as hardcore and as awesome as the King was, and as loyal and loving as his Adventure Friends were, and as powerful and deadly as the Devil was, even they could not kill eighteen thousand gypsies on their own. Also, they wouldn’t be able to delay the invasion for long enough to allow the troops to get a good defense going, so the Capital City Of Europe would be pretty much massacred and Terrorthaw would win, because there were plenty of gypsies where that eighteen thousand had come from, and he had them in his thrall. Besides, one gypsy could take down a dozen of the King’s soldiers easy, because gypsies have no honour and their blood is poison. Roxy Tripfoot knew this, because she was a strong female character and had lived in Hell for a long time and knew how these things went. Instead of running at the gypsies with the King, she had climbed on top of a mountain ledge. The ledge overlooked the coming battle. She had a good view from up there, and everyone who was about to fight could see her clearly. It was perfect, she decided. She raised her hands into the sky and crazy and colourful light shot into the sky, followed by hundreds of rabbits. She rained rabbits onto the gypsies, and the sky was filled with her light show.
The King had struck down nine gypsies with Cutty before he noticed that none of them were fighting back. He ordered his Adventure Friends to stop their charge. He shielded his eyes from the light and looked up at Roxy Tripfoot. He was so tired.
“People of Roma!” sang Roxy Tripfoot, and everyone could hear her because not one of the gypsies uttered one word. Everyone was looking up at her, their mouths agape.
“It’s the High Priestess!” said one.
“She’s returned to us!” said another.
“She’s here to reunite the people!” said another.
“You must reject Terrorthaw, for he is unclean. He is cursed. No Roma must ever speak to him again. If we fight Europe, we will die. This is not the way. Do this in my honour.” Said Roxy Tripfoot, shooting out rabbits all the time. Most of the rabbits survived the fall from the ledge and the gypsies below began to pick them up.
“Take a rabbit of mine each. By the time the last rabbit dies, I will see the people reunited, and I shall retake my place as Queen Of The Gypsies.” She said, making it up as she went along. The gypsies seemed to think this was a good idea.
“Now leave this place!” she said, and they did, but not before they tried to kill Terrorthaw. Some gypsies with packets of flight powder zipped up to his flying tower and climbed up the walls. Terrorthaw tried to get them off by shooting his nine at them and screaming. The gypsies were gaining ground. He flew off into the distance.
The King was rushed to a hospital bed. He was ordered to drink cup after cup of good, hot chicken broth to purge the gypsy dung from his blood. Roxy Tripfoot joined the Adventure Friends at his bed.
“Roxy Tripfoot, you have saved the Capital City Of Europe from attack and kept the Kingdom peaceful. You truly are a strong female character.” Said the King, giving a meaningful glance at Sally Minefield, who was in the bed next to his, having been nearly killed by the first gypsy she tried to fight.
“Thank you, Your Highness. In life, I was the High Priestess of the Roma people. I ruled them all with kindness and love, just as you now rule Europe. When I died, my people fell to the shadows. I hope to reverse that.”
“It will be a great struggle,” said the King, sipping his broth. “I wish you the very best. You will need a formal peace with Europe.” He said, looking up.
“Yes, but our people hate each other so much. How can we be at peace?” said Roxy Tripfoot, sadly.
“You will marry my son, David, when he comes of age.” Said the King, nodding at Prince David, who was sitting at the foot of the bed.
Roxy Tripfoot looked at Colonel Glowfist. Colonel Glowfist looked at Roxy Tripfoot. A tear ran down his face. David laughed and threw a wooden truck at Roxy Tripfoot. It hit her in the thigh.
End Of Chapter 18
Chapter 17 - An epic struggle in a church.
So, the Devil and the King run right at Terrorthaw and Terrorthaw shoots hundreds of bricks at them. The Devil gets hit by most of them, but he doesn’t care because he was the Devil, and Father Dominoes’ prayers were boosting his defense. The King used Axe Axewound’s flaming axe to deflect the bricks that were flying at him. Then the Devil punched Terrorthaw in his town-body right in the church steeple, and the town converted from its crouching tank mode into its standing-man mode and stumbled backwards. The King leaped right off the Devil’s shoulder at this point and onto Terrorthaw, climbing up his body like a very athletic hero.
A sweep kick from Terrorthaw put the Devil down on the ground, which made this really big thump that knocked over some glasses. The King climbed up onto Terrorthaw’s shoulder and started hacking away at one of his arms, which was made of a string of houses and one horse-and-cart. When the Devil got back on his feet and punched Terrorthaw again, the King jumped onto the Devil’s wrist so he wouldn’t get punched and from there jumped right into Terrorthaw’s church, which was kind of like his head and was were Terrorthaw’s original body was being kept.
“Keep him on the ropes, my friend!” roared the King. “I’m going to finish this once and for all!” The King ran down the length of the church, flailing Axe’s axe around. He was going for the church tower. He was going for Terrorthaw.
Outside, Terrorthaw was getting pounded by the Devil. Houses were falling off of him. The Devil was good at Tai Kwan Do, so it came to no surprise to anyone when he snap-kicked one of Terrorthaw’s arms right off. Some parts of the arm nearly fell on the Adventure Friends, but Colonel Glowfist put up an energy shield just in time. Terrorthaw knew that he could not possibly best the Devil in hand-to-hand combat, so he jumped back, used his last two arms to open up his chest, screamed “Cow Cannon!” and launched a flaming cow from the super-huge cannon concealed in his chest. The flaming cow burst right through the Devil’s shoulder. The Devil screamed in pain, and it was on. He fly-kicked right at Terrorthaw, and two more flaming cows flew right through him, hurting him greatly, but his kick crushed the Cow Cannon in Terrorthaw’s chest and it exploded. The Devil didn’t have time to strike again before Terrorthaw lashed out and smacked the Devil right upside the head. The Devil went down. He was bleeding fire. Terrorthaw, severely injured, staggered toward the Adventure Friends. It was threatening.
Inside the church, the King, finding it hard to balance with all the shuddering and awesome fighting going on outside, got to the main staircase leading up to the church tower. He was going to finish it. He was going to kill Terrorthaw. Just then, he was kicked in the chest by an unknown assailant. He fell down some steps, but did a backflip and landed on his feet down in the main church hall. His assailant and all his assailant friends then poured down the staircase.
“Gypsies.” Snarled the King. “I should have known you’d side with scum like them, Terrorthaw!” he bellowed at the church walls. The King hated gypsies because they were filthy, remorseless killers who spoke none of the languages of men. They had attacked him when he was younger and he had spent a month in the wilderness after they had killed everyone that was with him. That’s how the King had become so hardcore. He had wrestled a wolf to death. He screamed, and that frightened even the gypsies, who had no gods. He swung Axe Axewound’s mighty axe, and three gypsies fell dead. The other five came at him with knives smeared with their own dung. The King kicked one and sliced another’s leg off with the axe, and then the stricken gypsy was set on fire as he fell to the floor. He blinked three times, and was gone. The remaining four mobbed him all at once. Two fell dead, one was kicked square in the face, but the last one managed to plunge his dung-knife right into the King’s side. The King screamed. He screamed so much and stamped his feet so hard that the gypsy was thrown at a wall and then the King threw Axe’s axe at him and split him in two. The axe went straight through the wall and magically reappeared in Axe Axewound’s hand.
Wounded badly and armed with nothing but his mighty wooden hands, the King climbed the stone stairs. He would crush Terrorthaw with his bare hands and put an end to his life-long rivalry. And this time, he would check if what he assumed to be Terrorthaw was a robot or not. Outside, Father Dominoes was tending to the Devil’s wounds while the other Adventure Friends were trying to deflect Terrorthaw’s final murderous lurch. Colonel Glowfist screamed explodo spell after explodo spell at Terrorthaw, smashing house after house after house, but it hardly slowed the giant at all. Sally Minefield tried to stab it in the ankle, but that didn’t work. Roxy Tripfoot was keeping everyone else safe from the brick projectiles it was shooting by deflecting them with rabbits. David was hiding under a table, waiting for his belt to charge up again. Time was running out.
The King got to the top of the stairs and fell as he entered Terrorthaw’s control room at the highest level of the tower. The gypsy dung was poisoning his body and sapping his strength, but it did not stop his voice from being entirely awesome. “Terrorthaw!” he screamed. “This time we finish it!” Terrorthaw, who was covered in wires that were controlling the town / body, turned around and looked at the King. He laughed, and shot him with a nine. The King fell down the stairs. The church tower then detached from the town and flew up into the sky with fire coming out of the end of it.
“Terrorthaw! You coward! Face me!” bellowed the King, and even though Terrorthaw was far away now and there were rocket engines burning, he heard it anyway.
“This isn’t over, my dear King. If I can’t rule Europe by subterfuge, I will have to rule it by force! Gypsies, attack!” said Terrorthaw, flying around in the sky.
And then, from over the hill, came eighteen thousand gypsy warriors, storming towards the walls of the Capital City of Europe.
“Gypsies!” snarled the King.
End Of Chapter 17
Chapter 16 - It's the heart that matters.
"COLONEL GLOWFIST!" bellowed Colonel Glowfist. His voice was the King's voice, only it echoed and flanged. The Devil didn't know what to do. This happened back in Hell. Colonel Glowfist was all thin and cool-looking because he had just used his License To Kick Ass, which glowed and had his name on it.
“Now wait a minute, I’m not sure tha-“ said the Devil, but that was all he managed to say before nine hundred hadokens hit him in the face and Colonel Glowfist flew through the air and kicked him so hard that he flew through a wall in Hell. The wall was the one keeping all the gypsies in their special room, so they got out and just ran amuck in Hell.
“You shall stand down, Devil, or taste my wrath!” said Colonel Glowfist, as he zapped the Devil with a whole lot of lightning, which hurt him a lot.
“Okay, okay! Jeez! You can have the girl, okay.” He was talking about Roxy Tripfoot, whose soul was trying to leave Hell. “You got her fair and square anyway. She loves the King now, she doesn’t belong here.” Colonel Glowfist stopped with the lightning and the constant hadokens and stepped away from the Devil’s giant, sparking body.
It was a good thing that the Devil tagged out, because the hit from Colonel Glowfist’s License To Kick Ass wore off then, and he wouldn’t be able to use it again for a whole day. He got fat again, his cool robe dissolved, the winds whipping his hair and clothes died down and his eyes and voice went back to normal. But putting on so much weight so quickly was a big shock to his system, so he had a heart attack right there and then. The other Adventure Friends rushed to help him, but they weren’t too sure what was happening to him, because they lived in Medieval times and didn’t know what a heart attack was. They thought that the Devil had maybe suckered him and filled him full of demons that were now eating his insides. The Devil got up, still crackling with electricity.
“Oh my god, he’s having a heart attack!” said the Devil. “Father Dominoes, quick! Read Psalm 3: 16!”
Father Dominoes got out his solid-gold Bible and turned its metal pages to Psalm 3: 16. He read the passage and then Colonel Glowfist was okay. “That’s the best Psalm for heart attacks,” said the Devil with a wink. Father Dominoes made a mental note of that for later. Colonel Glowfist breathed heavily. Roxy Tripfoot was by his side.
“When you went all thin and kicked ass,” said Roxy Tripfoot, “I loved you. You need to lose weight, Colonel Glowfist. If you do, we shall be married.” Roxy did this because she was a strong female character and wasn’t willing to just give away her hand in marriage to just anyone. She was waiting for the right man, and the right man was Colonel Glowfist when he was thin.
“I’m sorry I mistook you for soul-thieves.” Said the Devil. “We get gypsy heroes down here all the time trying to steal gypsy souls and I’m a little raw about it. I shouldn’t have doubted you, Adventure Friends. Any friends of the King deserve better treatment.” And then everyone got a hug and a present from the Devil, because the Devil knew how much the Adventure Friends liked presents. Father Dominoes got a new chastity belt made from Hell-Metal, Axe Axewound got a Amulet of Recall to make his axe come back to his hand whenever he wanted it to, Sally Minefield got a level up and Colonel Glowfist got a magic thong that would never embarrass him.
“Actually, I would like to not be so fat,” said Colonel Glowfist politely. The Devil shrugged.
“There’s no magic for that, son.” Was all he said.
Sally Minefield’s maternal instincts then kicked in. “I think Prince David is in trouble. We’re too late!” Axe Axewound had to hold her to keep from getting hysterical. Roxy rolled her eyes, because Sally Minefield was being a spaz.
“That’s no problem for the Devil!” said the Devil with a wink. He flicked a switch on the Hell control console. A teleport noise started up. Everyone got ready for battle. Roxy and Colonel Glowfist would have kissed at this point, but he was so fat that this was totally impossible.
End Of Chapter 16
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