Archives for: February 2008
Almost a week.
Still haven't heard from Sarah. Just want to know what's going on. I don't really mind waiting and all, it's just that I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be doing right now? I really should have gotten her number. I always forget to ask though. I'll be talking to Sarah, really getting along well, sharing a bunch of things in common, but always thinking I'll just ask her later or something. Which I always forget to do. So, I guess I'm trying to get hold of her, I'm not exactly sure how one does this without her number though. I guess I could like, ask her friends or something.
Haven't seen Moe in a while. I've just been quite busy recently. Oh man, I must have gone up and down those stairs like another hundred times this week. It's insane. I guess it must be pretty bad for you though, doing all that exercise without eating all that much. Yeah, I haven't been eating that much recently either, I'm just so busy with all this cleaning. Seriously.
I ran into a neighbour on one of my trips downstairs. I haven't seen him for some time so it was a bit awkward, but you know how I am, I tried to accommodate him and be really friendly and not make him feel too weird. I turned really quickly when he called my name. That was probably a mistake as he looked pretty shocked when I did, almost jumping back. I looked at him for a bit with a half smile on my face, really friendly. “Yeah?”
He still didn't respond, but it looked like he was trying to work out what to say. I asked him again, “Is everything okay? Everything alright?”
He gulped down his hesitation and closed his eyes for longer than most people usually do. “What have... where... I haven't... I haven't seen you.” he said. I smiled again and nodded my head.
“Yeah, yeah.” I said, still nodding. “I've been really busy, man. I've just been cleaning up and just running up and down those stairs all the time. I must have done like literally a thousand laps.”
He tried to copy my smiling and gulped down again with his eyes closed. “I haven't seen you. I didn't... I didn't think you were here.” He opened them and tried to not look at me for too long.
I tried to keep him feeling okay. I tried a touch too powerful actually. I'm not really the type of person that likes to have power over other people. I prefer for people just to be cool with themselves and then through that to be cool with other people. “Yeah, yeah. I've just been so busy recently. You should have seen my flat.” I nodded again, I'm sure he knows what that's like when your flat is really dirty. “I don't think that was really the place to bring girls back to. There's this girl that I like now. I mean, we're just friends, but I mean like, I respect her. I'm not trying to go out with her.”
He nodded with his whole body. He was getting sort of cool with it all again. Talking about girls will do that to guys. He gulped again, but not that hard and spoke again, his eyes didn't close this time. “You are...” He paused quickly to find the right phrase. “...seeing people?”
Well yeah. I guess I am. “She's not like my girlfriend. We're just really good friends right now. I'm going to her matric dance. I didn't even ask, she invited me. Look, I really have to get back to my thing. I'm just really busy right now.”
I left in this weird way, my body was full of life and I practically hopped back to the staircase. I was pretty pumped and wasn't really in the mood to speak to the landlord when I ran into him at the top. He didn't even wait for me to say hello. “Shark, what are doing? What is going on?”
“Hey, look. I'm really busy right now. I mean, this isn't that important is it? Can we deal with this later?” I gave him a sarcastic face because I really wasn't in the mood for it right now. He didn't respond to what I said. “You can make supper for me and we can have one of your emotional conversations. Okay? Is that what you want?” He still didn't respond. He looked disappointed.
“Look, man. I'm really busy right now. I don't really have time for this.” I shook my head while I said it and pulled my face to show that I don't approve right back at him. “Get a life.”
I've spent days cleaning up.
A bit of a quiet week here, no word from Sarah. I told her yes of course, I can't imagine how I'd live with myself after turning down someone like that. I feel a bit bad about Moe. In a way I caused his break up, but I don't think it really helps to think about it like that. I prefer to see it like I came in right at the end and said, “Hey, what are you doing? What's going on here? You guys need to sort out your problems.”
I've been throwing out a lot of the junk that builds up in my house. Man, I must have walked up and down those stairs outside like thirty times today to get to the bins. The landlord asked if I wanted any help so I just smiled at him. “What do you mean?” I asked him.
“With the bags...” He said quietly. He reaffirmed himself and asked a bit louder, “Do you want me to do that?”
“What? No, don't be silly.” I chuckled. “Besides, I need the exercise!” I giggled a bit when I said this.
I did a few more rounds of that and then started sorting out all the towels and clothes on my floor. I made this big pile of them and was even tempted to jump into it, but just when I was about to I got this flash of myself crashing through the roof of the guy downstairs. They'd be making breakfast or something, with his wife sitting at the kitchen table, not really talking, but listing off all of the things that her job does wrong. I'd come crashing down and stand up immediately. I'd smile wide and shout at her comedically, like you see in movies, “It's going to be alright!”
She'd smile and then laugh and I'd grab a piece of bacon but drop it back in the pan because it's too hot. “Next time!” I'd say at him, not quite shouting any more, but still really excited and you'd see the pretend defeat and just know that I was joking about the same thing you thought I was. So, it's cool. Then I'd run off and clutching all the towels and clothes that I could, giggling because I'd feel naked holding it all.
I was startled out of my sleep by the buzz of my intercom. You can't ever get used to it because you can quite train yourself to expect it, even when you know the person is there. This time I even couldn't possibly have tried. I had no idea the Sarah was coming over. The thought hadn't crossed my mind and I hadn't cleaned up in ages. The first time Sarah came to my room I had it organised so that the lighting was just right and there was perfume so everything smelled nice. This time it was just a pile of pizza boxes and all my dirty clothes making it smell like I'd spilled water some time ago and not yet cleaned up..
I sat her down on my bed with subtle movements and the way I pointed my head and where I looked while I brought her inside. I thought she'd be unsure about it and that I'd have to take over so that she didn't think about the sheets being dirty and all over the place. She didn't seem to care though, she sat down without looking and didn't need to check if everything was clean. Before she got to my room I sprayed some perfume on the bed, just in case.
She didn't say much at first. Just nods and looking down at her shoes. I followed her eyes to her shoes and tried to show her that I cared but she didn't notice. She made us tea. Never really been a tea type of guy, but I've still got some around from Celene. Oh, Sarah had the tray layed out beautifully like each of the cups was actually decoration and all the set up was effortless but deliberate. I told her that I had never seen my crockery look so good but she just smiled and sipped. I think maybe the word crockery sounded too sexual.
"I'm supposed to be at school. But I'm bunking." She said, looking up from her tea. I thought she was going to say more so I waited for it but she just looked into my eyes for a bit and turned the attention back to her shoes. I felt a bit silly for not realising that it was a school day. She wasn't wearing a uniform.
“So why aren't you at school?” I asked. I realised that there was probably a reason for it. I wanted to talk about Moe.
“I had quite a rough weekend.” She said. “I haven't really slept much. I didn't sleep last night. I'm sorry that I woke you. I just had no where else to go. You know, sometimes it feels like you're the only person who would actually understand. I know it's silly.”
I probably exploded all over her. The correct word was most likely pride, or that I had won something. I don't know, it's just that I think I always thought the same thing. I always thought that maybe Sarah was the only one that really understood what I was on about. I didn't want to explode all over her so I just kept my cool together. I waited.
“What is happening between you and Moe?” I asked her. “He seemed really upset last time I saw him. Things didn't seem good with you guys. What's happening?” Sarah quickly looked up at me. Her face contorted a bit and she made a face that made me not know what was going on. I repeated the bit where I asked what was happening. Her face melted back to nothing.
“What?” She asked. “What are you talking about? Why did he talk to you about me?” I didn't actually know. “What did he say? Tell me right now.”
I looked around the room quick. I thought it would help me remember. My mouth tore apart and my cheeks hurt I was so embarrassed. I smiled so hard at her. “I don't know. He was talking about relationships.” I kept smiling at her, just to tell her it was okay whatever happened. My mouth got dry in an instant and I could feel my cheeks almost turning into tears they pushing so hard against my eyes. I think I was about to die and I think that Sarah knew it because just then she stopped me like she always knows how.
“Sharky, it's okay. I just want to know what he said. Tell me what he said about me. Why was he talking to you about me. He never does.” She looked at me and her head tilted to the side like she was trying to see something inside of me that was written sideways.
“Well, he didn't really exactly talk about you. It was more like he meant about relationships.” I told her. “He was talking about how relationships work. I sort of worked out that he was talking about you. It was pretty blatant.”
“Sharky, did you tell him about what was in my diary?” She asked me. Her head tilted back like the writing had nearly gone back to the right way up.
“I wouldn't tell anyone that. I wouldn't break a secret like that. I'm not that type of guy.” I told her straight.
“Sharky, Michael told me what you said.” She told me back. “I broke up with him. I just want to know what he said about me. Just tell me what he said about me.”
“I don't think I can talk behind his back like that. I'm not that type of guy.” I said. “I wouldn't do that.”
She stood up right there and I didn't know what it meant in terms of the conversation. She went to the bathroom so I had time to think about what I had said. She came back almost immediately and sat down in front of my computer. She started looking around my things, looking through all my folders.
“Did you cry?” I asked her.
“What?” She asked. “Why do you think I was crying?”
“You just broke up with your boyfriend.” I said. “Isn't that bad?”
“I broke up with him.” She wasn't looking at me anymore. “Were you crying?”
I didn't know what to say. I kept looking at all the things she was looking at on my computer. “I...”
She cut me off by looking at me.
“Relax, Sharky. I'm just joking with you.”
She looked back and I watched her go through more folders.
“Sharky, do you want to come to my matric dance?”
Moe and Sex.
I saw Moe last night and I guess you know what I did. His whole world shifted I think and in a small way I was the only point in it that stood still. I was standing in front of him.
“Sarah has sex with guys. She showed me her diary.” I said trying not to smile or look sad or be anything just in case. He put the pizzas down and looked at the bill. He looked closely at the print probably because he was stalling and mouthed numbers which were owed to him. His mouth stopped and started again.
“What?” He said. I honestly had no idea what to say at this point. I waited awkwardly for him to say more. “Who the hell are you? Why are you even hanging out with her?”
Sarah hadn't come round in some time and it looked like Moe thought I was still seeing her. I took the bill from his hand to check how much the pizzas cost. I wasn't sure if they had it right at first so I just double-checked real quick. Moe's name on the docket had been changed to Michael. I hadn't actually looked at the bills in ages. I usually just give Moe what I have and he's cool with it. I had this feeling like I was being asked for a lot more this time.
“I'm only telling you this because we go back. And don't get angry at me. I didn't make this happen.” I told him. “Look, I'm not trying to get with her, we're just really good friends.”
“Give me the money.” He was so angry. I realised right then how bad we all are with emotions. We can't split them up properly in our minds. We can't separate who's doing what to us and why. Moe's upper lip curled. “You're disgusting... A freak.”
I didn't spend too much time thinking about Moe later. Okay yeah, it hurt. For the first time I thought that maybe Moe isn't always going to be here. I've been through a lot with him and we've had our problems, but I guess this might be more serious. I just kept thinking about Sarah really.Sarah didn't tell him that she hadn't been round here lately. Sarah was doing something and meant it with that. I can tell.
I asked Moe as he was walking out why he's calling himself Michaela now, but he just walked out and didn't even close the door. I stepped out to see him go. He was already at the stairs by the time I got to doorway and when he left my sight I noticed the landlord outside his door watching me. His hands were at his side and he stood completely still. He was nearly dressed with his pants and shoes and his bare chest covered by an old blue dressing gown.
“What?” I said. "What are you looking at? Go back inside."
He stood still, not even his hands moved. We waited for a second or so and then I went inside, closing the door behind me.