Archives for: March 2008
Red and lashing out.
"I can't stay here with you." The landlord said to me. "I've been taking care of you for too long." He stood in the doorway and even though he wasn't shaking you could feel it. He had absolute determination in what he said, yet he looked like he could be persuaded at any moment to throw away all his charge and hold on for another day. I asked him if he wanted to come in for some tea. He nodded avoidingly and shuffled in, giving each object in my room a thought before moving on to the next. I got him to follow me into the kitchen and told him about what was going on.
"I've got into a bit of trouble. With money." I said. "I need some more money. It's really important."
His mouth reacted violently and shrunk up and expanded resting on open scorn. He said "Sharky" to me but his voice nearly cracked so he stopped. He moved his head about the kitchen and quickly came back to me. "I can't believe..." he said to me. He said he couldn't believe that I could ask him. I told him that it was my money. I told him that he worked for me and I could ask for more of the rent money, but I wasn't just telling him what to do. I was his friend and I really needed his help.
He cleared up for a second, he asked me what it was for. I stopped him there. I didn't want to be rude and this mattered so much to me. I couldn't tell him. "What do you mean you can't tell me?" He asked and his voice rose. I shook my body around and tried to not get him hung out about this. I needed him to just understand that this was really important to me.
"It's those damn kids! Isn't it? Isn't it, Shark?" He moved closer and above me and his hand was almost grabbing me. Later I realised that I could have chomped him half right there, but at the time I actually didn't know what to do. I tried not to go quiet, but that's all that I could do. "I can't believe it!" He shouted. His face grew red and bits of spit left his mouth as he glared at me, every couple of words slipping as they flew at me. "I can't believe you could do this now! Do you have any idea how serious this is right now? You don't! You don't care!"
I tried to touch him to stop but his hand flew at me, knocking me in a way that hurt immediately. I ripped myself back. He kept hitting with his body but without actually touching me. He shook his arms as he locked onto me. "I can't live here anymore! Me and Celene are leaving! After this there is no-one here to look after you. My brother is coming with me. We're all leaving! Do you not get this?" He kept shaking at me and it wasn't fair that I couldn't respond. He would hit me again if I did.
"Mr Roberts saw you! You talked to him. You are a monster to them, that's all you are to them! What do you think he was supposed to think he was seeing when he saw you? Jesus, Shark! I don't fucking believe you!" He was crying.
Every bit of money in the Goddamn world.
Sarah has been getting more and more beautiful since I last saw her, which was a long time ago. I told her that I had fallen in love with everything about her. When she came over, which was just the other day. The thing is that I never have any way of getting hold of her. I phoned Moe and got him to come round. When he got here it wasn't him, just some other delivery boy. I had no idea what to do and wouldn't let him in. He started knocking really hard pounding with his fist and shouting at me to come out, but I sat there next to the door and wouldn't let him in.
He left after about five minutes. I didn't get up to check for a few minutes and by the time I did it was getting dark. I didn't turn my lights on in case he was outside waiting in the car to see if I was home. The walls had colourful patterns on them in all small shapes and tiny dots of red, blue and green I think. I couldn't place my eyes on any specific colours, but kept looking around slightly amused as I waited for the guy to leave. I got a call almost immediately and refused to answer it. It had been about ten minutes more and I guessed the guy had gone.
I got another call again right after the first and this time I picked it up. I waited for him in case he was trying to get in still. It was a soft female voice, she told me that she was from the pizza place and asked me who I was. I hung up and went over to the window. The room was still dark just in case and my eyes were adjusting to the dark seeing vague shapes turning into my room. All of the bits and pieces seemed alien by themselves. Usually the room all fits together with everything not standing out, but each thing took a bit of time as I waded across to the window to check.
Out of habit the first place I looked was down at the garden next door. I hadn't been checking in a while because David left so long ago, but I just had this feeling this time. This weird idea that if he chose any point to come home this would be it. There was no one waiting in any of the cars and I calmed down with my heart going slower just as a ring shot through my room from phone. A sudden jolt happened, so overwhelming for a second that I almost shouted or cried, but I spun round and scowled. My body crouched slightly and I went back.
“Hello?” The girl asked again, softly. She told me who she was again and asked if I was there. I told her yes and said that I was busy. I wasn't really paying attention to what she said. “He said you answered the door, but you wouldn't open it.” She told me. I said back that it wasn't true, but I wasn't sure exactly how to deal with this. I started thinking about my room again. It was getting really dark now.
She was complaining. The day had started that way too. The landlord was round and made me some breakfast, talked to me about his usual problems and tried to make me feel bad. He just kept going round in circles and I kept telling him the same things back. About how it wasn't my problem. Eventually I just kept quiet and stared at him. When that didn't work I looked away and ignored him. He didn't get anymore worked up and eventually stopped for a few seconds and fixed on me.
“Sharky.” He said softly. “I'm trying to help you. I'm only trying to talk to you because you make it so hard for yourself. I know you do things differently and I know you wouldn't ever change that, but there are some things that you can't do. There are ways people expect you to act and if you want to live up here in your room for the rest of your life that's fine with everyone else. But if you're going to live with the rest of us you're going to have to live by certain rules.”
I looked at him. My head slanted to the side and I thought about all the things he had done wrong in life. How his life wasn't anything and how he hadn't achieved anything.
“Sharky.” He said softly. “Mr Roberts complained. He complained about you the other day. I know you weren't trying to upset him. I know that you thought you were doing good, but you really did upset him. I told everyone that you weren't around anymore. You told me to. It's not fair on them to find out that you weren't. It was a long time ago, Sharky.”
I kept looking at him. I was focusing pure hate at him.
“Sharky.” He said softly. “He knows Celene. He sees her around. It doesn't reflect well.”
I just stared at him.
The phone rang and I picked it up, a lot angrier this time. I asked her what the hell she wanted. I asked her why Moe didn't deliver this time and why the hell not. She hung up and her manager phoned back a minute later. It was pitch black in my room. There was nothing except me sitting next to the phone waiting for them. The manager told me who she was and why she was calling. She told me that Moe had declined to deliver for personal reasons and that he didn't have to. I told her I would give him a thousand rand to bring me my pizzas right now. She didn't know what I meant at first. When she worked it out she said that my pizzas were cold. She put the phone down for a bit and I heard her talking. I heard Moe.