The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Tuesday, October 24, 2006
7:21 PM

One of the kids was back. It was one of the boys, but not the leader boy. He was drinking either coffee or tea (I would have chosen coffee in that situation), but he wasn't smoking. He sat there for a really long time. I wonder what he was thinking about?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Current mood: listless

A few weeks back I bought a Burzum album off the internet. I had read previously on a forum or two that this album was the most brutal and depressing album ever made. The idea of wanting to hear something because it is brutal and depressing doesn't really make sense to me, even if it is music. But I was curious as to how brutal and depressing an album could be and what it would do to me if I were to have a copy and listen to it if I wanted to.

It arrived a few days later. I loaded it into my CD player and got ready to turn it on. I poured myself a large glass of orange juice and placed a few cushions on the floor in case I wanted to lie down. My CD player is in my bed room, but I didn't want to have to lie on my bed in case I fell asleep and missed it.

I turned it on and listened to it. I don't know who or what the album is brutal towards, but it does seem to be brutal to something. I definitely did feel sad listening to it. It was more emptiness than sadness, but the album did help bring out those feelings.

That was about two weeks ago.

Earlier today, at about 3pm, there were some kids sitting in the garden of the neighbouring house. There were three boys and two girls. They were smoking and most of them were in school uniform. The boys seemed very outspoken and didnt seem to struggle making the girls laugh.

I hadn't listened to the Burzum since I first did about two weeks ago. But I felt like listening to it again. I didn't put cushions down or anything like that this time, I just put it on and went back to the window.

Last night I had gotten a 'pizza delivery guy' to buy me a packet of cigarettes on the way to dropping off the pizza and collecting the money. I think the guy was angry that I got him to get the cigarettes because he got very frustrated when I asked him to just leave the pizza and cigarettes at the door. When I told him where the money was hidden he took it and left. He didn't say thank you or ask if I wanted change. I didn't really want change. I just thought it was weird that he didn't ask.

I lit one of the cigarettes (I'm referring to earlier today, not last night.) and continued sitting next to the window. I had just closed the curtain because I didn't want them to see me. I just wanted to peek out through the side a bit. I didn't really like the cigarette's feel on my throat, so I just kept the smoke in my mouth for a few seconds, and then blew out.

The album got to one of the bits where the singer shouts in this very foreign sort of way. I think this is probably the most 'brutal' part of this type of music. I used the remote to turn it louder.

I thought about what the kids next door would think about music that brutal. If I didn't know what it was, I would feel a bit intimidated by it, because it sounds very aggressive. I then got a bit of smoke in my eye and went to the bathroom to splash some water on my eye.

When I came back one of the kids were looking up at my window. They were still talking and the boys were still making the girl ones laugh. Then the leader boy pointed to my window while talking and the girls really laughed hard. And the other boys. They all looked up and down at each other. I think they were checking to see if the others were still looking up so that they weren't the only ones still looking.

I'm pretty sure they couldn't see me because I've done tests before with the looking through the curtain's side thing and its pretty safe.

Then one of the girls said really loudly, "Oh no! I'm so scared!"
She was being very sarcastic. I didn't want them to think I was trying to scare them or anything lame like that, so I went to the CD player and turned it off. When I got back they had left.

9:44 PM

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Current mood: predatory

I don't know if I can write one today. I'm so worn out. I'm physically tired and I'm worn out emotionally. I don't think I've had a day as repetitive as this in ages.

All in all, I guess it's pretty cool that nowadays I don't have people telling me what to do anymore. No one is in my face telling me not to smoke or to put stuff away or throw stuff away.

Fare well,
The Ancient Shark Of Despair
10:49 PM

Thursday, October 26 2006

Current mood: loved

I spent most of my morning watching TV. There was a show about this family that’s really messed up. The mother and father were always fighting because the father was an asshole and the mother was really needy. I could relate to it even though my parents weren't anything like that. The show was a lot longer than most shows I watch, and I started zoning in and out of it.

I went to the television and turned the sound really soft so that you could barely hear them fighting. Then I went to the radio and turned it on. I didn't really like it. It didn't really match the show that well.

I got back up and fetched the Burzum CD. I had already played it twice in the last week, so I wanted to not listen to it, but sometimes you gotta not care about stuff and just live. I put it on a reasonable volume and sat back down and watched the show. At the end of the show the CD hadn't finished yet, so I just kept watching the same channel. I didn't really know what the new show was about because I couldn't really hear what they were saying. It was about people and had a whole bunch of close-ups where the people don't say anything. I guess they were probably thinking about the other people in the show, and you know that because you know the characters and relationships.

I posted a portrait, which I drew a long time ago. I drew it on Fabriano paper, which is expensive. I put the lines in the background to imitate those olden day portraits you always see where it kind of looks all sketchy. I don't think it really achieved the right result though, because it just looks like I drew a whole bunch of squiggles in the background.

12:44 PM

Saturday, October 28, 2006


Current mood: accomplished

I met someone last night. I phoned for some pizza. When I last listened to that Burzum CD I wasn't really in the right mood to really get it. That music while watching television thing was quite new to me. I was in the right mood last night and I knew it. So, I phoned for a pizza. When the guy got here to drop off the pizza and collect the money I was fully prepared.

"Hey." I said.
"Hey, man, is the money in the same place tonight?" Said the pizza guy.
"You're from the other night?" I said.
"What?" Is the money in the same place tonight?" he said.
"I wanted to ask you a question." I said. This is when it gets into it.
"Jesus, man! Where is the money?"
"What's the loneliest thing you see on a regular occurrence?"
"..."
"What's the loneliest thing that you see?" I repeated.
"Turn off that music, man! I can't hear what you're saying."

At this point I ran over to the CD player as quickly as I could, because the money was actually hidden in the same place and I didn't want him to leave yet. I ran back to the door and crouched back down to the letter box. I can't actually see him through it, but you just feel closer though.

"There's a shelter for homeless people on one of the back roads I use for most of my deliveries. I always drive past right after they close their doors. There are all these really desperate people hanging around and the guy who runs it is just sitting on this lawn chair facing them, with his dog at his side. Just firmly reprimanding them for not being there four minutes earlier." he said, all at once.
"That's pretty lonely." I meant it.
"And when they look at me, they can see that I deliver pizza to rich people."
"That's so sad." I said.

He didn't stay for long. It got pretty awkward after that. There was this silence. I asked him if I could ask the pizza place for him to deliver next time I ordered and he just kept quiet.

I heard him shuffling around outside the door.
"The money is in the same place as last time." he said eventually.
"Yeah, I know" I said.

He didn't say goodbye or anything, he just left. I wonder what he thought about the Burzum. And the pizza was really good.

11:48 AM

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User Comments

Ed


you listen to Barzum? How death.
Posted by Ed on Tuesday, October 31, 2006 at 11:58 AM

The Ancient Shark Of Despair


I don't know if we're talking about the same Burzum. The one I'm talking about is interesting and makes people think.
Posted by The Ancient Shark Of Despair on Tuesday, October 31, 2006 at 3:27 PM