The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Sunday, October 29, 2006

I was sitting in my room just a few minutes ago. That boy was in the garden next door again. He was drinking coffee again and thinking about stuff. He really does take a long time to drink coffee. He was sitting, drinking coffee for about ten minutes. He lit up a cigarette about five minutes into it and just sat there drinking coffee and smoking. I can't really see what he is looking at the whole time. He just sits and looks at the same place for ages.

I was in the mood to put Burzum on, but after what happened last time, I really don't want to be put in that position again. So I sat there in silence for a bit, but then I went and fetched my cigarettes. They were hidden in a pizza box (I love the irony in that) in the back of my cupboard. I don't get a lot of visitors, but I don't want to take the chance.

This is pretty important, because later on my landlord knocked on my door and I had to let him in. I put out the cigarette first and then let him in. He walked in and looked around. It was really dark inside and messy.

"I didn't know you smoked."

I looked at him. It was pretty intense. He just kept staring at me. I kept looking at stuff. I even looked at the pizza box. i could see it at the back of my cupboard. I hope he didn't realise what I was looking at. He was still looking at me. I just looked at him in the eyes. He had this weird expression on his face. Like he was puzzled. Then he shrugged his shoulders and sighed. He walked out.

I quickly looked back out from behind the curtain. The kid was gone.

"You got a letter on friday, I forgot to put it in your little box contraption."

I stared at him.

"What were you looking at out there?"

I looked back at the box again. I looked at some other stuff quickly in case he noticed that it was the second time I had looked at the cupboard. I looked at four diferent places for different amounts of time. Then I looked at the one place again to make the cupboard not stand out.

"I don't know what you're doing." This is him talking.

He drew in a breath so that I could hear it and did this thing where he lifted his eyebrows and nearly smiled. He walked out again. He put the letter in the box on the way out.

6:52 PM

Monday, October 30, 2006

Current mood: Obsolete

I opened that letter that I got yesterday. It was from Shane as usual. It had a cheque in it as usual. I think I'll splash out on something.

Do you ever open a web page and then just stare at the web page thinking about what a brilliant thing that exact webpage was. Then you go onto the next one and you feel that it’s just as brilliant in its own way. And this all accompanied by this feeling of a somewhat saddening appreciation. Then you see the next webpage. And every single part of this page is filled with utility. And that appreciation turns into a distanced understanding. A loneliness begins to develop with this distance. I don't know how it is that most webpages got to the point that they are at, but I appreciate their existence. I hope they keep being there and I hope there keeps being new ones.

I'm not sure what to do with the cigarettes. The cleaning girl is coming tomorrow and I don't know where to put them. I couldn't really stop the girl from coming; she just leaves a message on my machine and comes the next day.

It's really not nice the way she 'invites herself over'. It's always so awkward when she is here. I wish I could get her to not come.

11:36 PM

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Current mood: artistic

Today was about as bad as I expected. I started off hiding in the cupboard for an hour, but she just sat on my bed and waited. I stared at her from a crack between the door of the cupboard and the cupboard itself. She was just sitting there patiently, smiling. When I couldn't take it anymore, I counted to three closed my eyes and leapt from the cupboard.

RAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Her smile is so kind. I felt bad for doing it, but she just smiled passively in a "I forgive you because I love you" sort of way. There was about a minute of me looking around the flat pretending to sum up what she needed to clean. She just sat there smiling, so lovingly.

"Oh this is nice."

She started examining a cellphone that was sitting on my desk next to my computer.

"Yeah, you can have that. I've stopped using it."
"Oh, thank you. My kids will love it."
"Yeah, its a lot of fun."

The landlord had given me the phone about a month ago because he had gotten a new one. I promised him that I needed it and it wouldn't just be a waste. I really wanted one. I couldn't use my home phone because its broken. The thing can only collect messages

"Do you want some tea?"

She peacefully got up and practically floated to the kitchen.

"Sugar?"

I really hate it when she comes over. I got back in the cupboard. A few minutes later she came back with two cups of tea.

RAAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I nearly ate her this time. And that loving smile.

7:40 PM

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

I'm an op in an IRC channel where people talk about music. They gave it to me because I told them about the kids next door and the Burzum. They were talking about killing people and I said that I could eat people if I wanted to but I don't and that’s part of me being sad all the time. And tired. And it’s why I don't go outside. The guy said that he thinks I see it too. I agreed that I did see it (not actually knowing what it was) and he gave me an OP status.

This other guy came into the channel and asked if anyone liked Leonard Cohen. I didn't let anyone respond. I just banned him with my OP status. I didn't feel bad or anything but then the guys in the channel started saying how their parents listened to Leonard Cohen and how much they hated their families.

I thought about someone's parent going onto IRC to talk about Leonard Cohen and I felt guilty. The parent was probably lonely, because people get like that after years of caring for other people's hurt. I shouldn't have banned him. He just wanted to chat about Leonard Cohen and I stopped him from doing that.

I think the worst bit was the image I got in my mind of this old guy looking at the screen and just not even sighing. Just accepting it and moving on because he's been through so much sadness before because he's old enough to.
8:54 PM

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User comments

Dave Dave Dave

Kudos.
Posted by Dave Dave Dave on Saturday, November 04, 2006 at 11:09 AM

The Ancient Shark Of Despair

Yeah, there's definitely no reason to be alone.

Posted by The Ancient Shark Of Despair on Saturday, November 04, 2006 at 11:09 AM

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The kid who does my shopping came by today. He said it was his birthday, so I let him keep a bit of the change. I don't like him anymore. He used to be cool. Not anymore. He's a bit of a jerk actually.

I think one of the things about being The Ancient Shark Of Despair is that I get people. That's why that guy gave me an OP last night. People know that I see things on their level. If someone's out having tea or something with a friend and a homeless guy comes up to you and asks for money, most people get all weird or agro. I wouldn't. I get people. I can see it the way he does. Believe me, he can see through it. So can I. I would just be all like, "Sorry. I got nothing for you." And he'd respect it, because he knows I can see it too. I think this is why those people on the chat sites hate their families.

I told the shopping kid I needed batteries for my remote. I didn't really, but he asked me if there was anything else I needed. And it was the first thing I could think of. He got me the wrong type (Did I already mention that he was a jerk?). I opened them up to check if they did fit inside, but they didn't.

I'm going to call the pizza guy tomorrow. Maybe I can sell them to him. I'll just put them with the money and deduct what I think a second-hand set of batteries are worth.

That boy who lives next door was sitting there again today. He was just drinking coffee today; no smoking. I've still got like the whole pack left.

4:59PM