The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Friday, November 03, 2006

Tonight I'm going to order pizza. I'm going to request "Moe". He's the guy from the last two times. I'm going to put Burzum on again this time. I don't want him to think I was trying to scare him or anything last time. Maybe not as loud, though. I want it to seem like I noted his discomfort with it being so loud last time but I don't really care if its playing or not, I just enjoy it.

I'll put the money in the same place though, it establishes trust, which is important. I want him to feel like he can go at any point he wants. It doesn't matter. I don't care.

The reason I'm so worked up about this is that I think he's on a level. Last time he told me something really interesting. I think having someone around who I can talk to about stuff is cool. Maybe we can be friends.

Okay.

2:44 PM

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I set everything thing up for a smooth transaction.
When he got here I was already at the box waiting. I said, "Hello".
I thought it would give him a bit of a surprise, but I can't really tell through the door. He just stood there.

I said, "Hello" again.

About half a minute later he knocked on the door. I waited a few seconds then got up slowly and backed away from the door.

"Hello?" I added some mystery.
"Its the pizza." he had definiteley heard me before. I had spoken softer this time.

"Is that Moe?"
He didn't reply.

"Are you from last time?" I spoke louder this time.

He waited a few seconds.

"I'm going to put these pizzas here on the mat. Is the money underneath the pot again?"

I waited a few seconds. I felt a bit off guard.

"Uh... yeah. Is that Moe?"

A few more seconds.

"Why are there batteries? I don't want these."

More seconds.

"I don't know how they got there. I hoped you would be back, Moe."

"Thats not my name. My name is Michael. It's down as Moe as a joke."

"Ok. How do I know you're not just joking now."

"Dude, I'm not going to lie to you about my name. Moe is an alias I use sometimes. Its a funny name."

"Ok. Did you drive past the shelter today?"

"Yeah, quite a couple of times. No real action to report on today. I've actually got to go."

"Ok. Enjoy your evening."

As I said that I started raising the volume slowly. It was really low the whole time because I felt kind of silly playing the same album as last time. I didn't raise it too high. Just so that I could still hear him outside. He could definitely hear it. He probably thought that I was listening to it before he came and it was just playing in the background the whole time.

I think he was counting the money. I gave him a little bit less because of the batteries and he probably noticed it. I forgot to tell him that I charged him for them.

Later I found that he had left the batteries behind.

He's showing me that he's not needy; the type of person you don't need to wash your hands clean of.

Okay.

1:02AM

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Earlier today I was just watching TV and someone knocked at my door. No one knows where I live but that pizza guy. I looked around the room a bit and then I made my way to the door. He knocked again. It wasn't any louder. I waited by the door. I felt unprepared to deal with him.

"Don't you think this is a bit rude?"

I paused briefly.

"I didn't know it was you."
"Who else would it be?"
"I don't know, a friend maybe."
"I thought you didn't have any friends."
"What about Celene?"
"I would think she is more than just a friend. Are you going to let me in?"
"Ok. I just... Hold on a second."

I grabbed the remote and turned off the music quickly. Then I turned the tv softer. Gradually. Then off.

As soon as he got inside he looked at me with a troubled expression.

"I heard the music."
"It was the television."
"I heard you turn the television louder. Then you turned the music softer. I heard it."
"Um. Do you think you could bring me a friend?"
"What?" He looked very surprised.
"I want to meet people."
"What about Celene? She comes often enough."
"I don't really like it when she comes over. Its awkward."
"Thats pretty mean."

He looked a lot less surprised.

"Why? It's my truth."
"You don't say things like that. People get hurt."
"Thats why I don't like her. I can't just be me around her."
"Listen, I can't bring you a friend. If you were nicer to Celene, maybe you wouldn't be so lonely."
"I'm not lonely."

He sighed quite a long sigh. He sighed in and out.

"Listen, I don't want to judge. Just, I can't find you a friend. It's not fair."
"I just want to talk to someone. They don't have to come in. I'll talk through the box."

He actually looked a bit disappointed.

"I found these batteries in my letter box. I assumed it was you."
"They're for you. I'll take the amount that they're worth out of your cheque."

He looked at me. He sort of moved his head back. His eyes were sucking in the world around him.

"I don't want these. Thank you."

He started walking out of the door.

"The kid got me the wrong batteries. I don't know what to do with them."

He shot me a glare. Then he looked at around the room.

A few minutes later the Burzum was back on and the door was locked again. I'll give the batteries to Celene next time. Or the kid is going to have to swap them or something. I have no use for them.

7:35 PM

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Current mood: Prophetic

I was on my chat site earlier and these guys were talking about Burzum. They were definitely agreeing with each other the whole time. But they seemed to be outdoing each other gradually with more insightful points. The one guy came said that Burzum was a better evolved music than what other people listened to. The other guy agreed from here on. I think it is because he clearly couldn't be more insightful than that one. If he said anything else it would look like he was competing. And then he would have been defeated because it would have been an argument all along.

I'm ready to believe this point and I wasn't even in the discussion. I don't really know much music. I do know that Burzum is different. Burzum really gets me on a level that I don't think most people can see. I don't really 'enjoy' listening to it. I just enjoy the mood it makes in me. I don't think other people see this level of it though. I wouldn't be surprised if the other guy actually didn't see this level. That could be why he lost.

If Burzum is the next step in evolution, I wonder what is next? Burzum would probably still be involved in that step too. But, what about the next one after that. This doesn't end in my eyes. Its going to keep evolving and I hope it isn't too far off what we have now. Because I'm okay with music. I wouldn't want to see it going the wrong way.

What if one of the further steps was people not listening to music anymore. They'd just be too advanced to notice it. Oh, man. I would feel really embarrassed if they knew I used to own a Burzum album and listened to it. It actually seems a bit dirty thinking about how much I allow it to zone me. I am probably going to have to save it for special occasions now. You could say that that just makes it more weird. That level of attachment. That I would plan my listening to Burzum along with my planning my mood. No. I think this way is more controlled. A lot less dirty. I think it's safer.

2:44 PM

Sunday, November 05, 2006

I've been reading over that last blog. And, I just feel that we should try harder to build a community. Together. I think it's time to stop fighting. We need to stop trying to overpower each other. I think we should be nice. I would like that. Thank you.

4:35 PM