The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Friday, April 13, 2007

This is the start of my real adventure. You know what? I'm letting go.

I bet you guys didn't think I could do it after that last adventure. Well, you know what? I had a lot of things going against me. If I was on my own I could handle it. It's not easy when you have to spend most of the time just trying to convince some lame fifteen year old that he's worth adventure. I guess my problem was that I didn't want to face the world without anyone with me the whole time.

You gotta let go.

My car is so cool now. It's got gadgets.

As I was on my way down from my apartment with the last of the stuff I noticed my reflection in a mirror. You know what? I don't think I'm that fat. I think sitting in this rotten house all day has just depressed me and that's what happens to depressed people. They think they're fat. Okay, I've gotten a bit plump since I started ordering pizzas, but I'm not fat.

I always worry about how quickly I eat my food. Most of how fat you get is because of how fast you eat the food. I found that out when I was quite young. So I always take breaks, even thought it ruins my hunger. That's another thing that you have to balance in there. You should only eat when you're hungry. So if you're not hungry, you have to eat something small that you don't mind getting fat off of. That kinda warms you up or something and gets you hungry. Then you can eat stuff that's bigger.

I'm really not as fat as I thought I was before I started this adventure, which was about ten hours ago.

My car has got a computer in. It's not fantastic. It can't shoot lasers and go invisible and stuff, but it's got a modem so I can go onto the internet when I want to.

GET IN THE CAR. YOU WILL CHANGE.

Man, I'm just really glad that this is finally happening. You guys are probably going to be jealous at all the cool stuff I'm going to do. It's cool, I'll still think about the community. When I get a chance that is.

I spent a few minutes just playing with the computer warming up. I didn't feel at all nervous. My heart was beating really hard and fast but that was just adrenaline. It was pretty mature of me. Manly.

I sat there nodding slowly. I thought how cool it would be if I could have some music so I figured I'd just put in the CD I bought off the internet. It's this pretty underground Leonard Cohen album. It's got Burzum in some of the tracks, but only in the background. I've always been more of a Leonard Cohen type of guy than a Burzym type. Leonard Cohen is the type of music that parents listen to.

Do you know how sad a parent can get?

"Hey is that Leonard Cohen?" Someone asked.

"Yeah." I replied.

"I love this album. I'm not much of a Burzum fan. It's too angry." They said.

He got in. We drove off and we had take-outs at a drive-in on the way.

"What about your job?" I asked him.

"Dude, this is an adventure." He replied.

It was Moe.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Man, me and Moe. Just ripping the country up crossing state-lines and totally not caring about what people thought of us. We crossed paths with a fair in one of nature's forgotten cities. It was a town with a population of no more than a few thousand.

They were having this giant fair for giants. Apparently it was quite a big deal for them, they had tents reaching for the sky and clowns and balloons were everywhere. Kids crying in the background, us drowning in this melting pot with no worries and everywhere were just these songs. These broken melodies of people being excited. I looked at Moe, but I didn't have to tell him. He already knew, and was smiling back at me already before I even started. He is so good.

His eyes were blank, he could just do that. Cutting off all other senses just to drown himself in his latest track. Layers of peoples lives were peeling off, padding his new idea. His songs rocked, all about TV games and life outside them. His perspective was so new that he couldn't really be asked to explain.

We got to this ride called 'The Machine of Death!" and met a man who caught Moe's ear. He was whistling a song about how he used to dream about flying but always wound up falling in love first. I spoke him as we approached. I asked him why he always took the girl and he said that the girl always took him and told me that he wished he wasn't dreaming.

You see, he never fell in love. All his song was about was a lie.

He told more to us in whistle and whispered the answers at the end of each one in a riddle. I couldn't break his mind down into chunks that I could tell, but then Moe stepped in to say that he wished he wasn't dead.

I looked at them both as Moe told him how he had grown a head above the rest and never was able to rest. I thought that was sweet, it takes a lot to tell that sort of truth, but before that I could tell them, the man said it was a lie. He didn't hesitate though to tell it with tears pouring out his eyes. Moe gripped his shoulder and told how he always joked that he didn't care, but the man took no offense and continued to try avoid his stare.

Eyes locked, he broke, "I always said things straight, I never lied. Everything I ever said began with truth and that didn't end until I died."

Moe winked at the man and even chuckled slowly to himself. I'd never seen that sort of okayness with a person's tears. But I guess Moe was crying too.

Moe looked me aside and told me truth straight. "How it went was that he always joked in opposites about the things that meant most."

He had spent his whole trying to twist people into understanding. "Don't you get it?" He would say, "If I wasn't god, how could I be so happy?" He didn't even cry after the age of eight. His only escape was that he tried harder than anyone else. No one knew, but that's why he tried.

Moe told me how one day the police came knocking about the death of his wife.

They couldn't understand his dry eyes, his smile nor his jargon-bucket tongue. He admitted guilt and said he'd do it again but he knew that he had never had a wife.

He knew he'd never known what love was, that's why he didn't get a chance to kill.

I guess he always just thought that the idea sounded heavy. I guess in the end it held him down. The whole time that he and Moe talked I waited and didn't speak, but I understood everything the whole time.

The man had lost the ability to speak sense only in opposites could he deal, but the whole time they spoke I knew that it didn't matter what he said. Language is just so... It's just so fleeting. You never really connect. It's not about the words or the speed that you put them out, it's about just getting people. Really getting people.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

I found Moe smiling at the sun waiting in the front seat of my car.

"Hey." I said.

He nodded back to me and didn't once stop smiling. I realised that everything in life was completely cool and that we hadn't even started the adventure yet. I thought about how much my adventure with David had sucked and I told Moe this.

He looked at me and told me how it wasn't really his fault. When you're in an argument with someone and they just keep coming at you with these ideas that you know are wrong and you argue back but it doesn't do anything, that's when you realise that people aren't to blame for their actions. They'll just argue at you and tell you how they know they're right because they believe in this or in that.

You look them in the eyes and you want to hate them for not being okay with things. You want to hate them for not knowing how happy they could be if they just let go.

But you can't. You're the one who has to let go.

You have to smile in their eyes and just let go of their suffering. It's cool. All you can see in them is the potential to cry. You think about how sad it is when another person cries. You're all alone and the only way you can tell people that is by letting your eyes run away.

He told me how David didn't know. I said it didn't matter, but before we could argue we both saw that we understood each other about how the only thing that mattered was the sadness that David felt. The sadness David felt united everyone, including us, all this way away.

"Let's get out of here." I told him and we ran our car away. We sped down a road and missed everything we saw.

A truck pulled up behind us, we weren't going fast enough. If you looked out the window all you could see were streaks, everything turned into a streak, I sped up and everything turned to a blur.

I shook an imaginary fist at the truck driver and hated how he got brought up poor. Moe told me it was alright, we'll get there no matter what happens.

I looked back in the mirror and sped up one more time. I thought about all the times David told me something and I didn't care about what he was saying but I pretended to anyway. I didn't understand, I thought that that was what to do. Below it all, however was the fact that nothing could hide how far apart we were. I think now I can see that we were just trying to ignore our pain.

"Honk!" the truck driver went. I shook that fist again. Moe looked at me and his face turned into an alien. He'd been smiling all day, but this time it turned to gold. His mouth grew apart and nothing could hold him back from what he did. His body turned so quick and grabbed anything that was nearby, which was a rock. He leaned out of the window and catapulted it all the way. The truck screamed and sped up and slowed down because it knew it had met its match.

"Where do you want to go for breakfast?" I asked him.

"Anywhere." He said, "Where do you think would be fun?"

I told him we had to think quick because every second counted, we were on the run.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

We had sailed through the desert and had long escaped the poor trucker. There was everything here, not in the scenery but on the road with us. We never stopped and neither did the motorcycles and the families on their vacations. I smiled at the families and not at the motorcycles. It was funny how everyone on the road was on the same team even though the didn't know it. We saw it.

We heard wolves howling at night. I wasn't scared. Neither was Moe.

We cruised into a new town and mocked the way small places use neon. They lit up the streets with it. They liked that. In my town you didn't get neon. I think we are just more used to it. The neon attracted prostitutes.

"Moe, imagine we got a hooker." I joked. "That would be funny."

He answered, "Yes."

I smiled at one as we drove past.

"I miss girls." I told him.

He nodded slowly and smiled.

I think I want to fall in love soon. I think this adventure would be the ideal time to fall in love.

"These girls aren't like Carolyn." I told him. "They haven't got anything on her."

It's true. She has substance.

"It would be funny if we got one that looked like Carolyn." I said. "That would be funny."

He asked me what Carolyn looked like.

"Oh, I don't know..." I replied. "She's really beautiful. You can tell it's her when you see her. I used to have photos, but I gave them away."

He asked me who I gave the photos away to and I told him that that person was David. I imagine he built a shrine for them.

He nodded and smiled again. We had no hurries.

"That one looks like Carolyn!" I told him. "You can tell by her breasts."

He looked at the prostitute that I was talking about. He nodded again.

"Imagine if we got her." I said. "It would be funny, she looks so much like Carolyn."

He smiled at me. He fell back in his chair and let out a pleasant sigh. That's the thing about Moe. He's really cool with everything. But he's not happy. He's the loneliest guy I know, but he's cool like that. He's got perspective. Loneliness gives you so much perspective.

I told him how the last girl that I took seriously was Sarah, but that she never really took me seriously back. I guess that's my story.

IF THE PROSTITUTE LOOKS LIKE CAROYLN: GET HER

the computer said to us.

Moe smiled but didn't react. I think it was up to me. I wound down my window. I circled the block because I didn't want to just get any old one, I wanted the one that looked like Carolyn. I circled the block twice but even then I couldn't find her. She had probably been taken up already.

I kept my eyes peeled and as I was about to drive away my heart exploded. For a few seconds I saw Sarah standing exactly where Carolyn had been. Her hair was blonder, and she had make up on. She was beautiful but I couldn't believe that it was her.

I sped up and pulled up next to her, I didn't want to her to leave before I got there. When I got close enough to tell I noticed she wasn't real and didn't even look that much like her anyway. I felt guilty for hoping it was Sarah. I don't think I will tell her about this when I see her again. I told Moe what had happened and he didn't even react, he just smiled and nodded. It was night time like usual and his eyes had that same glow that they always held, like he didn't even need to practise it.