The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Friday, April 27, 2007

Sunday, April 29, 2007

We were rushing through it. All we could do was hang on and choose a few objects flying past to focus our eyes on. Only, those objects weren't that at all, they were parts of us. Our time was going so fast I was dizzied by the way it took over. All of us agreed that we wanted a break.

We chose our objects as they drew nearer, you only had a certainly small amount of time to decide. My favourite was the way Sarah handled it when Moe tried to sit in the front when I asked him to take care of the maps. I had pulled over and told him to come up here for a better view and Sarah just freaked. I said, "Don't worry, I'll come back there and sit with you." Smiling.

Moe kept quiet the whole time and said that we were close to a mall town. Sarah looked at him and almost seemed to say that she wanted everything.

We had run into a few small towns since we left Sarah's. Most of them had carnivals. This one had tents so big you couldn't see the town from behind them. That's how big they were!

We hadn't seen our friend from the first one since, but something told me that his whistling wasn't too far away. Except with him you couldn't tell if he was actually keeping quiet or not because he was always trying to one-up your brain.

Your mind is a funny thing. It can't grow without the help of others, but all the time this guy lives alone and can't help but cry when he thinks about all the others. His voice is stained with the scent of humour, like his broken jokes have found a home in your ear only to move on when you don't say your love is his. He's looking all the time and you can't tell him what to do or what you want because you don't get his code, and you're the one who spends all their social time and he's the guy who speaks in reverse.

I don't know if what he thinks is fair, I feel like I'm one step further away from him than Moe, so I wouldn't get it. Moe feels that same step from him and doesn't once let up at trying to make it go away. He's talking to the man with telling his dreams and what he likes and no answer from this guy speaks what he doesn't know so clearly that they both understand. There's frustration and Moe doesn't get it but tries so hard that the guy has to tell him not to quit, "but hang on a bit and it'll let up. I wouldn't know."

He's the guys who speaks in opposites. I don't know what he's saying. I imagine that somehow by a twist in logic his inverting of facts strikes so strongly that by the time it gets to me it's all straight again, but I can't help but give up hope when I find myself getting bored with the two of them.

"I'm sorry, Moe." I tell him. "I just don't feel like this right now. I feel like I want to go on rides and not have to think. All your feelings are of working it all out. I'm tired, Moe."

He says he knows what I mean, lets out a chuckle and looks quick at the man back again in time for the end of the laugh and he's saying that he wishes he didn't know.

The whole time that this is happening the guy is getting suspicious looks from the forest lady who's secretly knowing more than she's telling us now but doesn't want to hurt what's happening naturally.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Hey guys. The adventure's going great. I keep thinking about what it used to be like though. My home.

I've gotten it now so that Sarah sits up front with me and Moe sits in the back. I remember, it was that Sarah didn't like it when I told Moe to sit in the front. So I said that I would come sit in the back with her. So I got her to sit in the front now.

We're all having a great time though. We're almost at Carolyn.

I remember when the landlord used to phone me every single day to tell me what he was doing that day. I would always not care but he didn't mind. He said that we both needed it. I told him that he was old and desperate and he laughed.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

"Most people won't understand this." I said. You turn most people into each other and they're the same person anyway. It's just a couple of guys, playing around.

Moe looked behind him expecting to see empty seats. Sarah sat quietly. She smiled.

Moe pushed his head back into his seat's headrest. I didn't expect him to answer. We had just had an intense conversation. He told me how he kept having dreams about that man at the fair. The one who can't not speak in opposites. I told him it was okay, but at the same time I wanted to ask if he was lying. You know, as a joke.

He said that he knows how it must feel. He said that he could imagine how it all began. Slowly he would chip away at his conversations, adding in extra lines, lines that didn't need to make sense. He would start making those different lines link up, pretending all sorts of patterns existed right there in front of him. He'd laugh uncomfortably every time he wrongly thought that he'd been caught out, hoping he'd found a person who could find him out.

Loneliness will quickly make your games turn mean, but if your heart is real, you'll force it back. The niceness is gone, so much deliberation in your talk that it turns to desperate. "I need you to not understand." He'd think to the other. "I couldn't bare it if you knew how I felt."

How long could it possibly take. Protecting and stuff. Moe looked at me without needing a reply. He knew what he knew.

Soon he would start joking backwards, and I guess you never really stop. I bet that he thought all the way to the end that someone would catch him out. I bet that Moe dreams that it's him that catches him out. Moe can't tell the difference between people anyway. He thinks that he's everyone he sees and all their problems. Swapping bits here and there. People turn into each other, some people disappear. Moe can't keep up with everyone, but all he can think about is what it must be like. Moe wants to catch the guy out so that he can feel like it's him getting caught out.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

We snuck up to her window, hoping to get a peek at her before we knocked on her door. I didn't feel like a perv because I has Moe and Sarah with me. They're both young and Sarah's a girl. They're the kids.

I was the only one who could see her. I was the tallest. The others scrambled over each other but I told them, "Shoosh. She's right there."

I slowly let myself down and sat with my back towards her against the wall. I breathed in and out steadily, so like a sigh.

"Well?" Sarah asked. "What happened? What did you see?"

I shook my head quietly. I felt like I was smoking.

"She was beautiful?" Moe asked. He looked away before I could answer him, but still I nodded my head. They sat down on either side of me and I passed them each an unlit cigarette. Sarah looked around and said that she didn't have anything to light it with. She seemed surprised that neither me or Moe were trying to light ours. She asked again if we had anything to light it with.

I looked at Moe and then back at Sarah. You can't light it. She'd smell it and then she'd know I was here.

Sarah tried to ask me again what I saw, but she couldn't speak. She just mouthed the words as if they were real. I forgot to tell her that Carolyn couldn't hear us.

I got up and walked calmly to the front door and only looked back when I was there. The two kids were scared to come out from behind the bush. They seemed naked, like they about to meet god, but were too ashamed to show themselves. I told them to hurry up. It's okay.

I told Moe to knock on the door. He thought maybe I couldn't do it myself because I didn't have knuckles like a human. But when he tried it didn't make a sound. I whispered to him that Carolyn couldn't hear us, but it came out as if I was crying. I didn't mind. I knew what would happen. Moe seemed to understand.

I don't know though. Meeting that man who could only speak in opposites really put things out of perspective for him. it was like the one day he was a rock, immune to all sorts of invasions and outer-worldly feelings. He could've kept calm in the worst of scenarios. Loneliness will do that to you.

When he met that guy he didn't know what he knew anymore. The guy showed him his own steadiness and it became clear. You know what's left of that steadiness now?

Nothing.

He could be sure or he could just be too scared to try anything else. He seemed to agreed too easily. Maybe he was too scared. I don't know.

I tried to ask if it was okay. The whole thing with the sounds turning to tears and he knew what would happen and it happened anyway. He cried. I would've told him yes, but what would that have helped?

Sarah put her arms to him. She tried to bring his face up. Try to get him to show her. Show her your tears, Moe. Show her what they mean.

"Guys?" Sarah asked.