The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I tried to catch up with the whistling, but it drifted from tent to tent, always just out of my reach. Night time will do that to a sound. The darkness carried it further. I must have been quite a sight. I was almost running, pushing my way through a crowd. What a sight, just me, this crazy shark, tripping over people's feet and falling over children almost knocking them down, never actually stopping. I was almost running.

You could hear the whistle, but I was starting to doubt whether or not it wasn't all just made up in my head like I was going crazy or something. I thought to myself that if I was going crazy, I would want to fall in love with a girl first.

I was apologising all over the place, always telling people that it was okay and that I wasn't going to freak out on them. Maybe they thought I was going to eat them. I kept saying sorry and I didn't notice the rope approaching fast below myself ,coming up and tripping me while I ran past another tent. I said I was sorry but stopped myself in case people thought that I was talking to myself.

I rolled over and waited just a second in case I felt any pain. I didn't want to be hurt, but it was so important that I found the whistling. I just knew in my mind that I was going to find the man who spoke in opposites. I thought that this time I wouldn't need Moe to interpret everything that he ever said just because I couldn't understand him, him being so far from what we as people know.

But before I could get up and go on chasing I saw a glimmer in the clouds above me. Big sheets of metal cutting off little bits of the rain. The storm clouds were dark and it was so easy to see the bright fire the trailed behind the plane. I jumped up so quick and saw it landing nearly. I ran so fast and didn't even hit anyone this time. I was sailing smooth. They didn't land that far away, but we were all the way at the end of the town. You could barely believe that stuff existed outside of the fair, it was so big and was everything to you. We were on the outskirts now.

I ran around a corner of just another tent in a giant set all set around one giant tent in the middle. I hit this girl and we twisted and fell. I didn't wait for any pain this time. I didn't even want to apologise I was in such a hurry, but I realised that I could see the plane landed and no matter how quick I moved I was still going to be able to see that it had landed.

"I'm sorry." I said. "I was running here to find the plane. I didn't want to knock you over, I just wanted to get to the plane.”

The girl was crying and I tried to help. She wouldn't let me help her to her feet. She laughed instead. I didn't know why she was laughing. It must have been because there I was trying to help her to her feet when I don't even have hands. I'm a shark. She just laughed and carried on crying. She was confused.

I knew for certain that she was the girl from the plane. I realised it then. She was confused and lost and looking for someone to stand in and help, but that couldn't happen because none of us know where to find that sort of stuff.

“Let me help you.” I said. “I know you.”

She laughed again. I guess she thought that was funny. She looked so serious even when she laughed. She must have been about fifteen or sixteen. She wasn't wearing a top.

There was nothing romantic about her not wearing a top. I don't even think she realised that she was half naked. I didn't think that I would want to fall in love with her, but I did. I had this feeling like she knew what was going on right now.

There was nothing sexual about her being topless. She got up to her knees in front of me.

She didn't even smile at me when I tried for the last time to get her up.

I looked in her eyes and tried to see in. She stopped me by looking away. She was so young and scared.

The plane hadn't crashed. It wasn't on fire. That wasn't why she was confused, they hadn't crashed.

"Who was that guy you were with in the plane?” I asked her. “Was that Leonard Cohen?"

She had been moving around so much, but now stopped completely. She stopped trying to get all the dust off her. She didn't push at the mud on her leg anymore. She just looked at me. I looked right back. Leonard Cohen.

I felt dizzy at this. I didn't really know if I felt so secure about understanding people right then. I always knew. I understood Burzum. I understand Leonard Cohen. I really do get people. That's the whole thing about being a shark. You really can see all this other stuff that people don't rnotice in life or even think is important. I notice how people aren't happy because of society. I get how people don't even realise when they are lying to you. I looked at this girl without any clothes on and I didn't know if she was okay.

She looked up at me in completely seriousness. I was dizzy. I looked right back. I knew what Leonard Cohen was about. I really did.

She broke the pause with another laugh. It was a short small noise. You couldn't have seen that her eyes were going to turn on me.

I tried to smile.

"No, stupid. That wasn't Leonard fucking Cohen.” She said.

She turned and walked away. I was left just looking at the plane. I thought all these thoughts about her being knocked down a lot by the crowd. That's the only thing that I could imagine happen to her at that point. I thought about her being fat. I didn't think about all the other things I could have. I could have thought of all the pain in the world. All of it wrapping itself around her and crushing her. I can imagine a lot of sadness.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

It was Ric in the plane with her. I found that out after she came back. I waited by the plane the whole time and she didn't think anything of it. She didn't care that I was determined to know something about her life. It's hard to talk to someone who doesn't care. Most people don't care.

I asked her who he was again. I asked if she knew him. She said that she did. It was Ric in the plane with her. He was the pilot.

I was looking for him and I told her that. She didn't care. I didn't tell her that I had his wife and kid with me and that we'd driven across the country searching for him. I didn't tell her how we found Sarah and the forest lady. I didn't tell her about the guy who spoke in opposites. She didn't care.

I said that I was Ashkenazi. I was lying, but I don't think that she realised this. I knew for a fact that she wasn't. She didn't at all look like she understood pain. She couldn't see loneliness. She was still naked.

She told me that she'd met Ric a long time ago. When he'd come back from the war. I didn't think that there was a war and as far as I knew Ric had only been to the moon. He hadn't fought in a war. I knew that. She said that she met him in some temple, where they take your clothes at the door. He was just some guy there, no different from anyone else.

I heard his whistle, but I didn't run after it again. I didn't even think it was real. I didn't want to ask the girl about it in case it really was that I was going crazy and just hearing whistling. I think that the saddest thing would be to go crazy and the only person to know about it just doesn't care.

She followed him around after that. She was so young. She loved him perfectly.

I told her that I knew him. I told her that he'd been to the moon. I told her that that must be the loneliest thing. To go to the moon all alone and to come back so different from everyone else ad not be able to tell them how. To understand people so well and you just can't tell people this because they don't understand you.

No one has to get hurt. That's the truth underneath everything. No one has to get caught up in it. We just need to stick together to realise that. Don't you realise that if we just cared about each other, if we just told each other that it was okay all the time, it would become true? Don't you want it to be okay?

I hate it how people lie. I hate it how people never really say what they mean, and all the time they are just looking out for themselves at the end of it. People need to stick together. People need to care. Nobody cares anymore.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Leonard Cohen was on at midnight.

I waited under one of the stands, I was right at the back of the tent. We just watched the crowds forming. We watched all the people go by. Even with all the people the tent wasn't nearly full. The whole town was making its way in. I was waiting with the girl from the plane. We just sat behind one of the stands at the back, just watching the crowd forming.

I found her at the plane. And she told me that I had missed Ric. She told me that I would probably never see him again. She said that all I had of his now was her and then she fell asleep in my lap.

I stroked the girl's hair quietly. I didn't want to wake her. I wasn't worried about Ric. I had this feeling like I was going to be running into him so strong that I couldn't ignore it. I had the feeling so that I I just sat back and waited for him. I looked at the girl and all her silly lies and touched her dirtied hair. She hadn't slept in weeks. Always just running, looking for me.

I thought about how crazy this last year has been. I thought about all the things that have happened. I thought about the landlord and I thought about Monopoly. I've met and loved so many people. I've had relationships with people. The landlord was there the whole time, by my side. He was always cool with everything that happened. Even when people were teasing him for it. He still took my side the whole time.

I wanted to say sorry for not inviting him to come with me, but this time it wasn't for him. This was my adventure and I needed him not to be not a part of it this time. I needed to walk my own path.

I thought about David. We ended on such a bad note. Just some time ago we went on an adventure of our own. I took him around town and we slept in my car. We slept in empty parking lots at night. I was always getting him things to eat from shops, he couldn't go in himself. His parents were looking for him and he had to go to school. Eventually we both just gave up and ended it.

The landlord was there too. Not on the adventure. He was there when we got back. I hadn't left my house for forty years and the when I got back the landlord made me supper. I remember it.

I saw the landlord walk out from the crowd and come up to me. I didn't want to say anything in case I woke the girl. He stood over me so tall and told me that it was okay. He said that he didn't mind. I smiled at him and asked again if it was okay. I touched Sarah's leg, I looked so small compared to her. She slept so softly. I smelt all the dirty oils in her hair and thought about how hard it must have been for her. All alone all the time even though you've got people everywhere around you. Always looking for someone to guide you. Someone to sell you secrets about your life.

She said something to us, but she was sleeping and couldn't wake up. She spoke like she wanted to wake up. I guess I had her under my spell. I stroked her hair some more and calmed her down.

I saw Moe in the crowds too. He looked at me and started to walk towards me. He didn't look like he was sure if he could though. I smiled at him and told him that it was okay. He tried to smile back, but he looked scared for the first time. I

The guys were setting up for Leonard Cohen. At the middle of the tent his guitar sat on a chair next to a microphone. And no one walked anywhere near it. I played her hair like I pretended it was his guitar. I strummed some chords about never being alone. I told her that she was mine now, but that it doesn't matter much.

The landlord turned away and waited. He walked up to the seats of the stands and looked out, examining the wood that would hold all the fans. I kissed Sarah on the cheek. I had rescued her from plane. I touched her again and we made love. I told her that she wouldn't ever have to worry again. I told her what love is.

The crowd was so big now that the entire tent was almost full. The general hum of the arena got so loud that it burst into a cheer. I think Leonard Cohen was coming on. I could hear people talking on the microphone. We both tried to stop and make out what we were hearing, but we had already fallen into it.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

And Leonard Cohen played to us. We all sat still and all stood around not feeling awkward, just moving with his voice and nodding slowly when we finally got it. I told them what the lyrics meant. I told Sarah how she had fallen in love with me. I told the landlord how it didn't matter what anyone thought about it. It was cool.

When Sarah woke up she was mine. Her hair was even dirtier than before and her skin was caked in the sweat of a bad dream. She didn't speak. She pushed herself back against one of the support beams of the stand that we were still resting under. She saw the landlord watching over us from a small distance. He was like a priest seeing over our union. She pushed herself against the wall and wouldn't look at either of us.

And then I saw Moe. He stood right up close to where Leonard Cohen was playing. He stood nearer than anyone else dare stand. He didn't move with the music like the rest of us did. He stared intensely at the guitar, reaching out his hand he held the microphone's stand. Leonard Cohen seemed like he didn't even notice. It wasn't because he was ignoring Moe, it was just that he understood so perfectly and didn't need fear anymore.

Moe's weight fell against the stand, knocking it all over. Leonard Cohen sat still, still playing his guitar. The microphone had spilled all over the floor and all sorts of people were grabbing around, trying to fix everything. We could all still hear him playing. He sang about us, he told us what was wrong. He told us that it wasn't worth very much anyway.

He looked at Moe and everyone stopped at that. His eyes locked on Moe's and suddenly Moe couldn't even get up. Moe tripped over himself and couldn't work out his body and legs. He waited for some help, but Leonard Cohen just kept playing.

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed something happening. I noticed the whole place change, something dark was coming over us. I looked over to the opening and noticed Ric standing there so quiet, it was haunting. He froze at the sight of all the people. We all didn't know what to do or say, someone held out their hand and asked him to join them, but he couldn't move and then they would take back their hands away and feel ashamed at having been turned.

I walked up to him. My body swung as I moved through the crowd, not touching anyone. I couldn't waste any energy on these people now.

I saw Carolyn enter from the other end and thanked how big this tent was. I could get to him before she did. I had to warn him in case of her needing. I suddenly realised then how it always was, I realised then that Carolyn wasn't good. I told myself that it was okay and that it didn't matter, but I was lying to myself.

I ran at him and couldn't hear Moe being taken over by something so powerful, an acoustic guitar being played by someone as pure emotion. I couldn't hear him collapse and that he couldn't get up. Ric was drenched in rain. A pool of water flooded the ground below him, I heard thunder.

I saw Carolyn move near him, I saw him trying to move and he was just smiling so hard that I thought his face would fall apart. It was the type of smiling that tries to hold in all the pain of a world that you can't talk to. I understood then why he couldn't talk anymore, why every person he ever met got put off by his mind just his talking in opposites. I smiled to myself too, at the thought of all the pain, it was overwhelming.

I saw Carolyn crying. She just looked at Ric and cried. I told myself not to fall for it again. I didn't want to get sucked back into her world of emotions.

“We don't want to go through this again.” I told her.

Ric was breaking down in front of us, his smile just widened and could have broken any second now. He rubbed his eyes for a second and you would have thought that he was about to cry. I tackled him to the ground. He still smiled and couldn't stop rubbing his eyes. I tried to hold his hands down to stop him from crying.

Carolyn stood there.

I looked at Ric in all seriousness and tilted my head to the side a bit. This was between me and him. I widened my eyes.

“What's wrong, man?” I asked him. “Why are you trying to cry?”

He broke and all of a sudden it was so much more than anyone could handle. One whole life of intense alienation came crashing down and I thought about how it must be like to spend your whole life living by yourself. Being completely unable to mix with people, you're just an alien. I wanted him to stop. I spat on his face. He still held that smile only now it had broken.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Carolyn did nothing. Moe was being wrestled to the ground by the only things that his mind couldn't hold on to. I was on top of Ric, just making sure that he wouldn't get up to love Carolyn again. She was trying to trick us with her tears. Leonard Cohen was playing his guitar and singing, making it all up as he went along, looking Moe straight in the eyes. Moe couldn't move anyway. We were all trapped.

About Carolyn's crying, you just sort of learn after a while that she's not really sad for you. She's crying for herself and that's it. Ric didn't get that and that's why he had to disappear when Moe was born. He got stuck on the moon and couldn't possibly hold onto something like a child. A child will do that. I'm always saying how sad a parent can get.

I tried to break into Ric's mind, but something was missing. Moe let go of the microphone stand, sprawled on the floor he wrapped around himself trying to break free. It got so intense that no one existed in this tent, not even us. We were all trapped in all the things that go wrong in life and this tent was just some place that it happened to all come out. I told Ric that nothing here mattered. I told him how it wasn't very good. I told him that nothing is really that good, it's just time to let go of all this stuff and move on.

The whole world went quiet when Leonard Cohen stood up. He looked at us with pitying eyes and slowly asked us what the difference was. But really? None of us could disagree with that and we started changing.

As easy as that we started changing. He carried on playing and changing us.

I saw the world really quickly in the back of my mind. With the rest of me I decided to get up and join him. I looked around and echoed those words. I looked at all the people in the crowd and they held up their hands as if to ask why they ever tried.

We all gave up right there.

Carolyn got angry. We sparked all sorts of hurt inside of her mind and she changed. She looked at me one last time. Her head bowed to the side, she opened up her eyes wide and tried to look into my soul. She pouted her lips and even had a tear forming. It was the most emotional thing I had ever seen, but it couldn't touch the music going on around us. All the sadness in her world looked at me and as soon as it saw me I looked back at it and she collapsed. Her eyes dropped and this time she got sad for real. She got so sad at me, I don't think that she ever saw that coming.

"It doesn't mean anything." Leonard Cohen sprayed over us as we all gasped at all the feelings we were having. People were falling down, breaking their minds with sadness all around me. I stood still and just let it go. All the sadness crushed her. Leonard Cohen said again, "It doesn't mean anything, all of our thoughts are nothing. We have to realise this."

Ric disappeared.

I looked at Carolyn and told her so.

"He's gone. I'm all that's left now." I whispered just loud enough for her to hear.

She screamed. She tried to run out to the exit, but she was eaten up by the crowd even as quickly as she ran. I couldn't see her anymore and that was the end of her and I haven't seen her since. It must seem like forever. She was gone now.

Moe broke his back, he tried so hard to get up. All his joints locked and he shattered every bone trying to move. We all wanted to jump in and help, but who were we to understand. That guy had more pain than anyone in that tent right then. There is nothing that he wouldn't want to understand, and that's what you get for that. Your body destroying you in a weak attempt at turning off your mind.

He wasn't really breaking all his bones, but he was really grabbing for air with his mouth. He couldn't breathe in case he managed to speak, what he could have said would have hurt. His pain was so much.

Carolyn was gone and it didn't mean much like you would have thought it would. There was no celebration saying, "we made something evil disappear". We couldn't stop now.

I couldn't find Ric and Moe was broken. I was just there on my own, standing in a crowd.

"Hey, what's going on?" A fat voice came stood out from the crowd. I stared at the direction it came from and before I knew it, there was Monopoly standing in the middle of it. He stepped out and all the ugliness in the world came back.

"What are you doing?" He said. "This is ugly. It's stupid."

He didn't understand anyone's pain. He just stood there being selfish.

"Look, we're trying to make sense of some serious stuff here." I said to him. "I think we would all appreciate it if you just tried a little bit to understand that. Come on. Either that or just leave."

I said it loud enough for everyone around to hear. No one said anything, but I'm sure that they all agreed with me. I think they were just a bit too scared to say anything, like they didn't want any confrontation. There's enough pain already.

"No." He said. He made a stupid face with his fat head and then he spat on me. I killed him.

I jumped on him and ripped him up. He made me so mad. I just thought about all the pain he was causing. All you have to do is try a little bit harder to understand, but no. I hated him so much.

I shouted at him. I shouted so that other people could hear.

"You don't care!"

"I hate you!"

They all didn't say anything, but I'm sure that they took my side. No one could even cry. Everything was crazy around here. All this pain was just hanging loose and no one could break away from it even though we pretended real good.

Leonard Cohen told us stories about all the girls he ever loved. There were so many and they all loved him back equally. None of them would tell you lies. None of them would say things just so that they would win an argument. All of them loved him perfectly.