The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

23 Jun 2007

We had pizza last night. It was me and the landlord. The landlord looked at me strangely when Moe pulled up outside with the pizza.

"What?" I asked him. He stared at me a bit more and started mouthing some words.

"Aren't you going to ask me..." He started. "You know, the cupboard?"

I didn't know what he was talking about at first, I felt a bit tired and didn't really care too much.

"Oh, that. Yeah, I don't know." I replied. "If you want to, 'yeah'."

"No. Of course I don't want to." He said. " It's just that you usually say that. I don't want to get in the cupboard. It's silly."

"Okay." I said back.

"Well, it's just that your friends going to be here any second." He started. "I just wanted to know if you were, still, if you didn't want me to meet him."

"Okay." I said back to him.

We waited for a bit and I turned the TV off. I passed the remote to the landlord.

"Are you going to let him in?" The landlord asked me.

"I don't know. I guess so." I said. "Why not? Wouldn't it be easier that way?"

"Yes, it would." He looked at me for a bit and looked at the remote. He probably noticed all the buttons which I use the most. They don't have numbers on anymore. All the buttons that don't do anything useful still have bright white numbers standing out of them. It's like a map in a way.

We both heard Moe knock at the door. I just got up normally and moved towards it. The landlord freaked out a little bit. He crouched and stared at me. He was asking me what do to. I shrugged at him. I really didn't care that much. I just wanted to eat some pizza and watch sitcoms. I don't know what it was exactly that he wanted me to tell him.

I walked up to the door and asked who it was. The landlord whispered as loud as he could, "Wait!".

Moe said that it was him and I guess we both believed him. You know, why wouldn't we? I was about to open the door, but I first looked at the landlord. He was freaking out. He was holding his hands up like he meant for me to hold on for a bit. I shook my head a tiny bit and reached for the door to open it. As I opened it me and Moe both could hear a crash.

Moe asked me what that was and I shrugged. You know, whatever.

"How much is it?" I asked him. He didn't answer. He just pointed at the docket and looked around. I think he turned his back to me so that it would be less awkward for me to decide how much to tip him. I don't know really, I tip him pretty damn well. That's sort of why he comes back all the time. I don't think that I would come back if it wasn't a good tip. I think that that's only logical.

I gave him a good tip anyway. He said thank you and I said thank you and he left. I said that I would still request him next time and he didn't really answer. He just sort of left.

I sat down on the couch with my pizzas and turned the TV back on, but I had to get up to do it because I couldn't find the remote. The pizzas were quite nice. I had tried out one or two different pizzas this time and they were quite nice.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

I spent most of the day in front of the TV. I was watching sitcoms most of all. I don't really play TV games anymore. It's weird. I also got an email back from Sarah. It says that she doesn't know what happened to David. They were like best friends and all that and then he dumped her and next thing you know he just disappeared.

I don't think she knows that David moved upcountry. I guess he didn't want her to know. I remember a long time ago, when I first met Sarah, this sort of thing happened. David had disappeared again and Sarah didn't know where he was. She freaked out and came to me asking me where he was. I think that's the day that we really became friends. I mean, she kinda knew who I was, but it wasn't like she thought of me as a real person. I was just this guy upstairs who played this music all the time.

It's funny though. The first thing that she ever said to me was when she teased me about listening to Burzum. I guess that's all changed now. I don't think she'll ever understand, but at least she doesn't tease me anymore.

27 Jun 2007

I've been talking to Sarah a bit through emails. I think she's going to come round so that we can talk about what happened. I'm a little bit nervous about it all. We sort of ended on an awkward note last time.

The thing about Sarah is that you can say whatever you want to when she isn't there, but when you're in the same room with her and you're talking about your feelings, you can't help but realise all the special things about her.

I think that's part of what went wrong last time. I just don't think she was ready for whatever might have happened.

I'm a little bit excited. I keep thinking about all the things that I could say. I've grown so much since I last saw her, there are so many things that I have to tell her I believe in differently.

I imagine myself in front of a mirror sometimes. When I'm in the bathroom I look in the mirror and I imagine Sarah asking me if I'm proud of who I am nowadays. I'll smile at myself. I'll smile so you can see I'm not hiding anything. Most of the time I notice how thin I've become. It's like all the fat has disappeared. I imagine it leaking out of the bullet hole that Ric gave me.

So I tell Sarah, "Yeah". I think I'm pretty okay with the person I've become. I'll look at myself from my side. I never quite get a perfect profile view, so I'll never be sure what I look like from that angle. I check my teeth and I smile. I don't really know what her response would be. Maybe she's proud.

29 Jun 2007

I'm going to make everything real pretty around here. I opened that bottle of perfume that I have and left it to stand. It smells okay in here. I just can't wait for Sarah to get here. I cleaned up everywhere. I mainly just put stuff in the back room. Man, the room in the back stinks.

As a shark I have a really strong sense of smell. I can smell all the girls in the building. I can sort of sense when any of them are crying.

I got the landlord to help out a little bit. I can't do a lot of the lifting because of my lack of hands. When I asked him to help he said that he could think of nothing better to do, but he was being sarcastic. He helped anyway, so I'm not exactly sure what he meant by saying that.

"You know, this would be a lot easier if you just threw this stuff away." He said to me after a few loads. "Instead of sorting through everything again you should just throw it out."

I didn't know what he was trying to get at. I mean, it's pretty obvious that I want ot throw most of this stuff out. I don't think anyone is debating it. It's just that I have to see what stuff I can and can't throw out first. I'm not sure exactly if he understands. I guess it must look confusing.

In the end I decided that I'd just lock the door when she comes. I'll tell her that lock is broken, so even if I had the key it wouldn't work.

The landlord asked what the rush to clean was about. I didn't know if he was being sarcastic or not so I didn't answer him. I just kept looking where I was looking and didn't move or anything. He asked me again.

"What?" I asked him. I wasn't sure what he had said. "Oh, yeah. Uh... I just thought that I should clean up. You know."

I went back to how I was, but he didn't look away.

"Shark. What are you doing?"

I told him that I was just checking if I could see any dirt on the floor. I really wasn't sure if he was still being sarcastic or not. I laughed a bit at his question.

"Shark..." He said. I smiled at him. In my mind I wanted him to not ask me any more questions.

30 Jun 2007

I'm sorry I didn't write anything last night. Man, I was just so excited the whole day. I got an email back from Sarah. She said that she wanted to visit me to talk about what happened to David. I said that she could come as soon as she liked, but she had school. So, anyway, she said that she would come on Saturday, and she did, but I'll tell you about it just now.

So, Moe came round and it was just me at home, I wasn't really in the mood for the landlord. He's a bit of a downer. So, I got Moe to come in and I told him that a friend of mine was coming tomorrow and he sort of smiled at me and said, "Good for you. I hope you have fun."

I told him that she was a girl. He sort of closed his eyes a little bit at me and smiled. I told him that I was really excited and he said that it souded really exciting.

She actually woke me up this morning. She was outside and she phoned my cellphone so that I would let her in. I got up really quickly and forgot to make my bed so that she wouldn't feel uncomfortable. But she didn't mind anyway when I got her up here she seemed pretty relaxed. So, I went downstairs to let her in and I haven't actually done this in years. I haven't actually left my house in ages except that time with David, which is what she actually wants to speak about, which is ironic.

I felt so funny walking down to get her. I felt so comfortable with it, because I had this reason for it. Like, if someone looked at me (I didn't see anyone on the way down or back up again) I wouldn't have felt weird or out of place or like they were going to say something to me that I wouldn't want to speak back to. I just was so comfortable with it that all I did actually think about instead of the people was how my body was moving and how I sort of had this body that hadn't moved in ten hours and also hadn't really moved in ten years and I was almost jumping when I walked because I had to balance myself a bit because I was walking faster than you would have expected me to walk.

I let her in and we didn't say anything to each other until we got to my room. We didn't even greet really, which is cool though. I don't really think that all this formal stuff that people do is really real. I just nodded at her and smiled really widely, like I was almost embarrassed and she just nodded back and looked at the ground.

When we got to my room she kinda relaxed and sat down on my bed, which wasn't even made. I asked her if she wanted some tea and she didn't quite respond but she said "yes" softly and I got her tea. When I came back with th tea I had a tray with two cups on with tea in and a bowl with some sugar in and a cup with some milk. I made it look like I had a way of doing tea, which isn't true really, but just for that bit when I brought it into the room it seemed true.

She laughed at how when she tried to pour milk she spilt because it's hard to pour from a cup. It probably would have been easier to just bring the bottle with the milk in it already, but I didn't think that was the type of thing that I would do if I really did tea a lot.

I made these jokes and she laughed at them even though she sounded like she was just being polite. I think that I made some really good jokes though. I kinda feel like it was a pity that it was just her there hearing them. It's like the world was missing out on these good jokes and the one person in the room is too awkward to get them.

I don't remember any of them right now, but I sort of ended with how I was so much older than her and it was pretty funny. It was like how she still had to get lifts everywhere and how I have my own car. I was joking though, and you could tell that I was.

When we stopped laughing she looked up at me and asked, "Do you have a car?"

I thought it was kinda cool that I was just joking the whole time but I really did have one.

"Maybe!" I said to her, but I was smiling really wide, like I was obviously lying. "No, I'm joking! I have a car."

The thing is, I was sort of joking just now saying things that obviously weren't true in a joking accent, so now that I was telling the truth she couldn't actually tell if I was joking or not.

"No, no." I said, I was laughing so much that it was hard to speak. "No, I was joking about saying 'maybe', I do have a car."

I kept laughing. She didn't really get it though, but she said that I must drive her somewhere sometime. She said that would be cool.