The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Monday, July 02, 2007

Sarah spent the whole of yesterday hanging out at my place. It's funny, we haven't really spoken about David, which was the main reason that we said she was going to come here for. I guess that's cool though. I don't really feel like talking about him. I don't really want to have to talk about it. I don't want to talk about our 'adventure' either. It sucked.

What's far more interesting is the real adventure that I had. The one with Moe and Leonard Cohen and everyone. I didn't tell Sarah a lot about a lot of the stuff that happened. I didn't really think she would want to know everything.

I told her about like, how, we drove across the country in my car. We met people on the way and the whole time me and Moe stuck together. I told her all about what we found out about Carolyn and how she hoards emotions.

"That sounds so fun." Sarah said. "I can't wait to go on an adventure with you. It sounds so cool."

I smiled at her. I thought about all the things that I could teach her while we drove around. I thought about how much stuff she could learn through me. All the stuff that I didn't find out until I was much older. I guess in some ways she would become a shark. That's kinda funny.

I really like Sarah. She's so nice and she has all these alternative ideas about things. She's a real individual. She vegetarian too.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Sarah's been coming here after school most days. It's pretty cool. I mainly just play video games while she watches. I ask if she wants to play but she says that she's not that good at it and she would rather just watch me play. Pretty cool.

I dug through the stuff in my cupboard for a little bit. I was looking for my Burzum album. I found it quite far down. It was right on top of my cigarettes. I guess I stopped listening to it when I got into Leonard Cohen. I'm not saying that Burzum is bad. I never said that. All I ever said was that Leonard Cohen 'gets' sadness more. When you listen to Burzum, you start to find that he's got a lot of anger. I don't think sadness should ever really be about anger. It's just such an easy target when you've got all that anger involved.

Imagine you've just met someone interesting and you're trying to get down to the basics of yourselves. You're telling her all these things about how you feel and how your childhood was. She's telling you this stuff back about her similar experiences (You'll find that most people are the same as you when you get down to the sadness behind it all). So, right when you get down to the bottom of it all she looks in your eyes and you're trying as hard as you can to keep in that mood. You tell her how you hate it when people don't understand things as well as you do.

Oh, what's that?

And you've ruined it. You've cut yourself off. Sure, you're still talking about everything and you're still convinced of each other's loneliness. Thing is, when you're dealing with sadness, it's hit or miss. The thing about sadness is that it's probably the purest emotion. It's the one where you can tell almost immediately when something isn't really about loneliness.

She slowly moves away from you and asks you about something in your room. You're probably going to overcompensate now. You're going to push the sadness as much as you can and you know what happens? It doesn't work. She just gets more distant.

I'm not exactly sure why it is that girls don't like anger. All I know is that it's about purity. That's all I can really say.

I put the Burzum on and sat back down on the bed.

"Do you remember this?" I asked her. She looked at the CD player for a bit. She shook her head.

"No, what is this?" She asked me back.

"Oh, it's just this guy. He's pretty good." I told her. "Do you like it?"

She looked back at the CD player and then looked at her feet for a bit.

Her voice went low, like she wasn't fully prepared to speak. Her throat croaked and she told me that she did. "Yes". You could hardly hear it so she nodded right afterwards.

She was lying.

Friday, July 06, 2007

"You'll see what I mean soon." I smiled at Sarah.

"Ok. I don't really know what to think right now." She said back. "But it sounds pretty cool."

I smiled at her. I rocked a bit as I sat. We both felt a bit edgy, like we were doing something new. I guess every time two people sit down and let the truth come out it is something really new. That's why I don't like normal conversations. If what you're saying to me isn't new then I don't think you're really trying as hard as you could. That's what this community is all about. Most people don't understand this. Most people just copy everyone else. You see what I'm trying to say here?

Sarah looked at me and I stopped rocking and started a new smile. The phone started ringing. I didn't answer it. She looked at it and back at me. I didn't even stop smiling.

"Aren't you going to get it." She asked me.

"No." I replied.

"Oh". She looked a bit disappointed. "Why not?"

I looked straight at her. I hadn't looked at the phone the whole time since it had started ringing.

"I don't care." I said.

The phone stopped ringing as soon as I said it.

She let out an awkward smile. I don't think that she quite understood what happened there.

The phone started ringing again. Again, I didn't look at it. I just kept looking in her eyes. It was pretty intense.

"Do you want me to get it?" She asked me.

I didn't say anything. She moved her hand towards the phone, slowly. I looked at her hand and back at her. I don't think she understood.

She put her hand on the phone and mouthed the word, "What?"

She picked it up and I jumped up and swiped it out of her hands in a sudden jerk of a motion. Except, I could sort of watch myself do it. It didn't seem like a jerky motion to me, because I was aware of it.

The phone fell to the floor and I dived at it. I didn't have time to pick it up, I just stuck my head to the receiver. "Hello?" I asked.

"No." I said softly. "No, it's okay... No..."

I looked at Sarah. She wasn't looking at me though. She was looking at her feet.

"I don't know." I said into the phone. "I just, I didn't want to answer it... No..."

She looked up at me meekly. The look on her face was like she didn't want to offend anybody.

"No, not tonight." I said. "I'm not in the mood. I'm feeling kinda tired."

Sarah looked like she really wanted to know who was on the phone. I kinda didn't want to tell her. You know, like it's a mystery.

"Okay... Yeah, sorry." I said, moving the phone slightly away from my head. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. Ok, goodbye."

I put the phone down slowly. Sarah asked me who it was.

"It was the landlord." I told her.

"What did he want?" She asked me.

I didn't really feel like explaining it all. The landlord wanted to join me for pizza tonight. I haven't seen much of him this week. I didn't want him to hang around in case Sarah came by. I told her that he was just checking up on me.

The only reason that Sarah is here this late is because I wanted her to meet Moe. We were going to order pizza and I was going to invite Moe in. Sarah thought it would be cool. She said that he sounded like a really nice guy. Like someone you can trust.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

On Friday Sarah stayed till late and I ordered pizzas. Moe came round. I basically wanted Sarah to meet him. It's like he's my proof that all this cool stuff I talk about is true. Yeah, it was pretty cool.

Sarah tells her parents that she's at a friends house when she visits me. I don't really like parents, they're pretty messed up. Sarah's dad is an alcoholic. That's pretty messed up. She tells me about it.

I ordered a whole bunch of pizzas. I usually get a lot, because the ones that I don't eat I can usually just eat the next day. It saves making new food. Also, something about your body being able to digest food quicker when it's used to it. Like, it knows what to do. It's funny, I imagine it like a child getting asked questions in a test. They keep asking the child the same question over and over again. It's like that a bit.

I think that the questions they ask me are a lot harder. That's why I keep gaining weight. I try all sorts of tricks and sometimes it works. I like to imagine the hole where Ric shot me, just leaking out all the fat. Like, it's not bad that way, because I didn't have a choice. It just happened to me.

I let Moe in.

"Hey, man." He said. he didn't really look at me. He would have noticed me smiling. More than usual.

I didn't say anything back. This was something too cool to fill him in on. Sarah was sitting on my bed and he didn't even notice it. I wanted to giggle so badly.

"Uh, yeah." He said. He looked up at me. "Here's your bill."

I pretended to look at the amount, but I wasn't really. I wanted to laugh. I cleared my throat.

"What?" He asked. He looked around and then back at Sarah. He gave her a quick wave where he pretty much just lifted his hand up and down. "Hello."

I burst out laughing. I could see that Sarah smiled softly, but she didn't move.

My whole body shrunk and condensed with my laughter. I couldn't really control it. I grabbed the money from my desk and pushed it at Moe who left. He closed the door behind himself so quickly that I didn't have time to stop laughing, but when he closed it I stopped.

I looked at Sarah and smiled. She didn't react. I did a mock Moe. I looked around like there was nothing there and then all of a sudden at Sarah. She smiled softly.

Ahh. It was pretty funny. I gave Sarah a pizza and started eating mine. I didn't really feel like disconnecting the TV games so I just left the pause screen on. It had a theme song on loop.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I spent most of today just waiting around for Sarah. I don't want to get into something and then next thing you know she knocks on the door. So I didn't really commit to anything. She didn't come round today.

I get a lot of time to think about her and all the stuff she tells me. She tells me about her family life and it isn't nice. She just isn't understood. When you talk to her you just wish that everyone understood better. And I don't mean that like you wish she wouldn't say that stuff because everyone knows better now. I mean it like I wish her life was easier. It's not really fair.

Yesterday, she told me all the music she liked. She could name so many bands. I didn't want to say Leonard Cohen, because I didn't want to be the parent. All her music sounded so exciting. They all had these awesome stories behind them. I kept thinking the whole time that if I could say Leonard Cohen then she wouldn't talk about all these bands. She wouldn't need to. Leonard Cohen is like that.

She told me about one band. She said that she only liked one song.

"It's the only song of theirs that I can listen to." She said to me. "It always makes me cry. I can't listen to it more than once. It's so sad."

I nodded to her. I couldn't say anything back because all I wanted to say involved Leonard Cohen. Her face changed. She looked serious.

"What is your favourite music?" She asked me.

I looked around and at my cupboard. That's where I hide my stuff. I didn't know what. She kept looking at me. I was worried that when I said it I would tremble because I had been holding it in for so long. Leonard Cohen was bursting out of me. I closed my eyes and faced her.

"I like everything." I said. I immediately hated myself so much. I didn't see how anyone could respect that. I knew what I liked. I just couldn't tell her right then. The time wasn't right yet.

"Yeah!" She said, smiling radiantly. "So do I! I like all music. Obviously I don't like country. Or like R&B. But I like a bit of everything else."

I was quick to react. I didn't want to upset her.

"Yeah, I like a bit of everything too." I said. I guess I do though actually. I don't think that was a lie.

I didn't know what to do now. The rest of the time she just spoke. It was like she won some battle and I didn't get to talk anymore.

I'm going to build up to showing her the music that I like.