The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Sarah sat on my bed, listening to the things I had to say. I didn't usually have things to say, but now I did. She sat on my bed and listened all my stuff and it felt great.

"Uh, Sharky." She said. She turned to me and I couldn't help but look right back. My body movements felt so fluid and not held back.

"Do you really have a car?" She asked me. I thought she was joking.

"Yes!" I said to her jokingly. I snapped right back into how I was when I first let her in. "Of course!"

She looked strange. "No... What?" She asked. "No, I think, I mean, like, do you really really have a car?" She smiled at me. I felt so fluid.

"Ok." I said. She was telling me that it wasn't a joke. "Uh, yeah, sorry. Um, yes. I have a car. I do have one."

She nodded and I smiled. When she had knocked on the door when she arrived earlier that day I wanted to have had Burzum playing, but she caught me by surprise. I was just sitting on my computer and kind of watching TV at the same time. I was so hungry. I still hadn't eaten. I didn't really want to bring it up. She says that I'm always eating, which is unfair. She's only actually seen me eat like once. With the pizza. With Moe.

"Hey. Why?" I asked her.

"Oh, nothing. I was just curious." She smiled at me again. "Are you still going to take me out for a ride sometime?"

"Yes!" I said quickly. "An adventure."

"No." She said back. "Not an adventure. Just a ride."

"Ok."

I smiled at her.

Monday, July 16, 2007

We got ready to leave. Sarah tied her laces real tight. She says they're better that way. I told her that I was ready to go and she just had to be to say so and we'd go. She packed up all these precious things into her backpack. I laughed at the fact that she had a smiling bear on it.

"Bears are cute! You're being cute!" I said to her.

"That's the point." She said to me. "It's irony."

She smiled at me and lifted her eyebrows for a second because she was teasing me. She packed in drawing I done for her, it was a picture of the two of us driving a convertible.

I offered to carry her bag down for her but she wouldn't let me.

"It's heavy with all the secrets in it." She said to me.

We got down to the gate with no one seeing us. I opened it and ran for a few steps.

"Hurry up." I said to Sarah.

Around the corner was my garage. I pulled open the damaged wooden door and it stunk. There were spider webs and the light might as well not even worked as it was so dark.

"Get in." I said to Sarah. "It's cool."

The car started fine. I had got it working in secret a month or two ago. I didn't really want the landlord to know that I had a car in there. I don't think he'd like that. I let Sarah choose the radio. I didn't really want to let her in on Leonard Cohen yet. I don't think she would understand yet.

We were probably at the highway when we started talking. I told her that there were things in my world that she was going to experience now. I told her that driving in my car was kinda like a spiritual experience. I felt stupid after I said that, but Sarah is a vegetarian and likes that sort of thing.

She told me about her meditation and how the world works. I hadn't heard most of it before. It made me want to do things about it like not eat meat and not buy certain types of stuff, but I know how I work and I probably wouldn't stick to it for very long. There isn't really a point if its just for a week. I like having that sort of self realisation behind me. If only just for saving time, it really makes its own little difference in the world.

I told Sarah how if every understood themselves better then they wouldn't always fight with everyone else. I said that this would make life a lot better for everyone and I would probably go outside more often. She smiled and said that the world wasn't that bad.

"Can you stop here?" She asked me. She had been asking me to go down certain roads and take cerain turns. "This house."

"Who lives here?" I asked her.

She didn't answer me. She reached to the back seat and got her bag.

"Where are you going?" I asked her.

"I just want to visit a friend of mine." She told me. "That's all."

I looked at the house. It looked like a boy lived there.

"Do your family know that you're here?" I asked her.

She smiled at me. She was taking something out of her bag.

"Are you just going to go now?" I asked her.

She wrote something down on a pad of paper that she had taken out.

"This is the address." She told me. "It's where we are now."

"What?" I said.

"Can you come pick me up later?" She asked. She said it so nicely and I did realise that there was no reason that I couldn't.

"I don't like this." I told her.

"Come on." She said, smiling. "Sharky! Come on, don't be boring."

I laughed a little bit. It was a bit funny. I guess she was right.

I didn't want to go home in case the landlord caught me. I found a parking lot to and parked my car there. I set the seat back and went to sleep. I was quite tired. I always get tired when I leave home. Later on Sarah phoned me and asked me to pick her up. I fetched her and took her home to her parents. She smelt like cigarette smoke.

Last time that Sarah came round I took her to a friend's house and picked her up a few hours later. I didn't really mind. It's not really my thing to be like obsessive or jealous or anything. I mean, it's a bit unreasonable to not want her to have any other friends. Tonight I waited outside. It must have been about five hours.

"We watched videos." She told me. Shes smelt like cigarettes again.

"Oh. Yeah, I just wanted to know." I said. I felt like a bit of an ass. "You know, it was a lot longer than last time. I just didn't know whether to stay or not."

"Of course you must stay!" She said urgently. "It's a bit rude to tell me that I've got a lift home and then just leave. Don't you think so?"

"Yeah." I said. It would be pretty unfair. "Did you have fun?"

She ignored the question for a few seconds. Then she unwound her window. I imagined us being in a convertible. There wouldn't be any windows to unwind.

"It was okay." She said.

"Just okay?" I asked. "What happened?"

"No." She said. "It's just that... they try too hard."

I imagined that being really awkward. I could imagine going in and sitting down and them always asking if I was okay. Would I want something to eat? Do you want to watch some TV? I wouldn't want people to wait on me hand and foot.

"Yeah. That must suck." I said to her.

"They all quite young." She said. "Like, immature and stuff."

Man, I felt so sorry for her. That's the thing, I can relate. The more you understand about people the harder it is to just blend in socially. People don't want to understand. They don't want you to understand.

"Can you take me again tomorrow?" She asked. She wasn't looking at me. She playing on her phone. She was getting messages.

"Uh... yes. Ummm..." I didn't know what to say.

"You don't have to if you don't want to." She assured me. "I can get other lifts."

She still wasn't looking at me. Thing is, I'm sure she can. She's that type of girl.

"No, it's cool. I want to take you." I said. "It's just... should I phone you if I want to go?"

"No, that's a bad idea. Don't phone me." She held up her hand at me without looking. "I'll get someone else to lift me."

"Ah, no. It's okay, I won't phone." I said. "I'll take you."

"Oh thank you, Shark." She looked at me and smiled. I realised that I had been feeling kinda anxious. I felt okay now.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

On Friday Moe came round with some pizza. We chilled for a bit and he came in. The first thing he did was look around.

"Where's your lady friend tonight?" He asked. His face was completely deadpan. No jokes.

I tried to add a smile to it. "Oh. Well, she's at a friend's house tonight."

He looked at me without his facial expression changing. He looked at my bed.

I tried to break the ice a bit. "You know me. I need my space." I laughed awkwardly for about three quarters of a second. My laugh-muscles felt strained.

Moe didn't light up when he said the next thing he said which was, "Oh."

I picked up the bill at that point and just spent a bit of time looking at it.

"You looked like you didn't know what was going on when you saw her here last time." I said to him while still looking at the bill. "You didn't even see her at first."

He turned his head towards me. I could see the tiniest part of interest in his eyes, slowly growing.

"I didn't expect it." He offered. "You don't often have people over."

I think that what is funny about what he said there is that I do often have people over. It's just that Sarah's being a girl is the only reason he was surprised. It's like she stood out enough to make all the other people who come over not count. You can tell a lot about what people think by what they say.

"She's a girl." I said.

He moved. He shuffled. He rearranged how the pizza bag that he was holding was hanging from his shoulder.

"What do you mean?" He asked. His face was still completely deadpan. His interest was disguised by his need to flee.

"No, it's just that she's a girl." I explained. "You only noticed her because she was a girl."

In the exact way that he suddenly moved just now he went completely still.

"What do you mean?" He asked. He looked at my eyes. I kept facing the bill.

"Nothing, it's just that you seem surprised that I have girls over." I said. "Like you don't think that girls would like me or anything."

"I don't see any reason why she would be here." He said. He kept looking straight at my eyes.

"She's my girl." I said. I looked at him and smiled but he gave no reaction whatsoever.

I think he was a bit angry that I called him on that thing about only noticing her because she was a girl. People get pretty edgy when you catch them off guard like that. It's because I can read into people.

"Are you saying that she is your girlfriend?" He asked me. He had this miniature almost-smile on his face.

I smiled suddenly and my muscles pulled again. I felt like my body didn't want me to smile but I had to. I felt so shy and embarrassed there. Like a young boy confessing to a crush.

"Well, I wouldn't call her my girlfriend!" I smiled so hard. "We don't actually go out on dates."

He smiled a bit.

"Okay. " He said. "Are you saying that the girl who was here last friday is romantically involved with you?"

"Romantic!" I laughed. "Well, I mean!... I wouldn't... look. I don't know what you want to call it. She's my girl."

His smile was looking like a scorn.

"No way." He said. "I don't believe you."

My whole body just crunched up right there. Moe left right then and as soon as he closed the door I fell down. I didn't cry at first but I felt like I was. I wasn't crying though. I was just staring at the wall and at everything. Nothing seemed remarkable or special.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

I'm not saying that people are psychic. It's just that we have to be connected on some level.

I've been feeling raw since Moe came by. I don't know what was happening with him. He must have had a lot on his mind. Come to think of it he has been getting more and more distant. He's just drifting off. All the time when you look in his eyes you can just see him a little bit less.

I saw Sarah again today and it was a bit weird. I think that she could tell that something was wrong. She asked me why I was being quiet and I didn't want to say anything back so I just kept quiet.

"Why won't you talk to me, Sharky?" She asked. "What's wrong?"

I looked away. I had this feeling deep down. It wasn't coming out properly but I could feel it more when I just looked away and didn't speak.

"Shark?" She said again. I was afraid that if I kept looking down here I wouldn't ever be able to stop. Like maybe it was too intense and I would just fall down and never be able to get up again and I would just die of not eating. I had to protect myself from myself.

I slowly turned my head towards her. I looked at her in the eyes and I felt all of those feelings that I was trying to avoid just come in right there. I was looking at her in the eyes and neither of us was saying anything. I couldn't tell her about all these intense feelings but I looked right into her and I'm sure that she could feel them too.

I don't think that people are psychic or anything but I do believe that we're connected at some level. I truly think that there are levels that are so much more important than how well you can think or talk or impress people with all the stuff that you know. It's about feelings that you don't even know. It's primal. Before we invented technology and all this modern stuff we were probably more aware of this stuff.

I just sat there and I'm so sure that she could feel what I was feeling even if she wasn't aware of it. I don't think that people are psychic but I don't think that it's possible that we can all live in this world and be totally alone. She could feel something. It felt like she was crying and I nearly did.

I looked away because it was becoming too uncomfortable. We touched on this level for a second and neither of us knew what to do and we suddenly then realised how scared we were as beings. We sat on my bed for a bit without speaking. After a while Sarah said in a really low voice that she was going to make some coffee. Her voice was croaky and dry. I thought about drinking coffee and about how David used to sit outside sipping from his mug for hours. I think that I only now realised what he was doing.