The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

I drove Sarah to a friend's house again tonight. I just got back now. She had come to my place earlier and I told her I wanted to talk. I made us some coffee. When I put the cups down on my desk she sort of motioned that she didn't want hers. I wasn't angry or anything. It's not like I'm going to force her to drink coffee. It's just that now I didn't really feel like drinking mine anymore. She sort of killed that one.

I looked at her. I thought about all those feelings. But she just looked away. She probably wasn't in the mood. I looked around for something to entertain her with. There isn't really much to do in my room except for playing TV games and going on the computer. The computer is cool because I've got internet, which is really expensive because I use dial-up.

"Do you want to go on the internet?" I asked her. She looked at my computer quickly and back to me. She shook her head politely. I don't know if she knows about the internet.

I tried to look at her again, but she wasn't even looking at me to start out with.

"Hey, can you give me a lift somewhere?" She asked me. She looked at me and caught me staring into her. I backed off quickly and said "yes" immediately. I only thought about it afterwards. I just wanted to act normal.

She looked at me strangely. She smiled. "You're crazy!" She laughed. She stood up and walked to the door. "Come, let's go."

I got up and followed her to the car. I tried to open her door for her, but she wouldn't let me close it after her. She told me to hurry up.

I kept trying to make her laugh the entire way there and she wouldn't even smile. It just got worse. I felt like I was falling deeper into a pit the more I talked. The more I talked to her the more resistant she became. But that just made me want to talk to her again.

We got outside the house and as she got out I asked her who lived there. She bent down to the window and swore at me in her eyes. I don't think I've ever felt bad for so short a time. She walked away from me. I watched her go in out of safety and politeness. I know it must have annoyed her even more. I felt so bad.

I parked around the corner this time. I don't like driving around too much. I feel like this creepy old guy from a movie and everyone looks at me. I guess you can't really blame them. I usually try drive away as fast as possible. Before people complain.

It's actually quite a thing for me, going out of my house. I almost feel like I'm wasting it on Sarah. Don't get me wrong, I want to do everything for her and want to make her happy but I can't quite shake the feeling that it isn't quite as exciting as being outside of my house should be. It's more just scary. I don't really tell you guys this that much but I really don't enjoy being out of my house. It actually completely freaks me out.

I waited around the corner and got into the backseat. That way I can lie down and probably no one will see me. I've got my towels in the trunk. I cover myself with those in case someone looks in the car. When I stop my car and open the trunk I actually feel like I'm going to collapse I get so scared. I don't know how to describe it. It feels like I'm shaking, but I'm not.

I waited that way in the car. I keep feeling that shaking thing for about twenty minutes. I know it's twenty minutes because I keep track on my cell phone. It's got a clock and I use it to keep me occupied. Last time Sarah took three hours and twenty one minutes. I'm not good at maths, but I work it out anyway.

This time she called at two hours and forty minutes. I'm not rounding it off. You could tell if I included the seconds, but I don't have those on my cell phone.

I told her I would be there soon. I didn't pack away the towels because I didn't want to get out again. I pushed them under the seat so Sarah wouldn't see them. I got into the drivers seat and got scared a little bit more. I didn't start driving yet. I didn't want Sarah to know that I had been parked so close. She might think that it was weird. I waited for about five minutes and let my nerves calm down. I started the car and suddenly realised that if she was waiting outside she would hear my car starting and know. I drove off quickly in the other direction and freaked out a bit that I would get lost. I tried as hard as I could to remember which way I came so that I could get back. I didn't think I could remember any more after about three roads so I drove back.

I pulled up and Sarah was standing in the road. "You went the wrong way." She said. She was smiling. I didn't know what to do. I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. She got in.

"Thanks Shark." She said softly. She touched me to show she meant it and rolled down her window. She smelled of cigarette smoke. "I could hear you start your car. You went the wrong way."

I didn't say anything. I drove.

I remembered that I had waited for a few minutes before driving. I hoped so hard that she wouldn't click about that.

We stopped at a traffic light and she turned to me. "Thank you so much for doing this, Shark." She smiled. "It means a lot to me."

She lent over and hugged me. I tried to hug back but I wasn't in the right position. I also messed it up a bit because I wasn't expecting it. I wanted to tell her that I cared about her but I wasn't sure how to do it. She put her seatbelt on.

"I'm glad that you're doing that." I said.

"Why?" She asked me.

"In case I crash and we nearly die. That will save you. I don't want you to die." I said.

"Oh." She said and smiled again. "That's so sweet."

I drove her home and I went back to my place. That was about an hour ago. I wanted to ask her to come to my place tomorrow while Moe was there and pretend to be my girlfriend. I imagined her doing that and Moe coming in. I imagined her walking up to me while I dealt with the bill and hugging me. She'd look at Moe and smile at him.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Moe came on Friday. I wasn't really sure what was going to happen, but I couldn't not invite him. It'd be pretty weird to suddenly stop because he got all confrontational last week. Also he'd think that I was lying. I figured that even if I couldn't prove it to him at least I could prove to him that I wasn't scared of what he thought.

Sarah got to my place at about seven and then we ordered the pizzas. The problem was that she hadn't really settled in yet. I didn't notice it at first, but once Moe had left I realised how she wasn't acting natural and how she seemed unadjusted. You can't really blame her.

We watched a bit of TV and I talked her through this one sitcom. Most people don't know what to look for in sitcoms. She didn't really talk back and just as I was sort of rounding off the show Moe knocked on the door.

"Why does he always deliver?" Sarah asked me. I shushed her and quietly ran to the door. I started smiling heavily and motioned at Sarah. I pointed at her and back at Moe. I realise now that I didn't actually know what I was trying to say. I was just summing up the situation. It didn't matter though. I think she got the point.

Moe knocked again. It was really soft like he wasn't even trying. I looked at Sarah again, still smiling, and pushed my mouth together so that I didn't start laughing. I opened the door and moved back a meter. Moe immediately looked at Sarah and put his hand up to wave. He made a gruntly noise. He was trying to say "hello" but his body hadn't quite warmed up to talking.

Then Moe did something that I suddenly realised that I hadn't ever seen him do before. He smiled shyly and looked away. He put his bag down on the table and started fidgeting with all the stuff.

"This is Sarah." I said to him.

"Hello." Sarah said. Moe looked around for a second and did his hand motion thing. He said softly what sounded like, "hey". He looked back at the stuff and waited.

I smiled so wide.

I motioned at Sarah to come to me. She didn't.

"Have you met Sarah?" I asked Moe.

I motioned at her again. She shook her head.

Moe didn't really respond. He looked at me quickly and shook his head once. He seemed in a desperate hurry. I gave Sarah an important pleading look. We had a deal going that she was going to come up to me while Moe was here and hug me.

I walked up to Moe and he held the bill up for me to see. I was still smiling but it was mostly just the left over now. My face started to feel warm and I didn't know what had just happened.

Moe had left and Sarah wouldn't talk to me. She went home about fifteen minutes later. I spent the rest of the weekend alone and the landlord came to visit me this morning. He wanted to know if I had been using my car. He seemed concerned, but at the same time he kept joking about me leaving the house. I didn't really appreciate it. He doesn't actually know what's going on in my life right now.

02 Aug 2007

I've seen a lot in my time. I've watched people from a distance and from up close. Most of the time people don't really realise that you are there. I don't mean like they can't see you. At least not literally. I'm talking metaphorically. People don't actually understand what another person's presence actually feels like.

The problem is that we don't need to. We don't need to know what it feels like. We don't want to know. Most of the time when someone tells you their problems you don't really want to care. You don't because it's a lot easier that way. Most people get sucked into the trap.

That's what my whole idea about community is all about. I think people should try harder to make life easier. Up until this point I didn't really think that there was much hope in that ever happening. That was before I met Sarah. I don't think she'd even really thought about it before. I just think it came naturally to her. I think that here is something special about Sarah and that thing is so rare that she doesn't even know that she has it.

I was talking to her earlier and you can feel her presence. You can feel her reactions to the things you say. You can feel her wanting to be loved. I don't really talk that well in front of her. I think it's because she doesn't really operate on that level. But I can sum it up pretty well afterwards, which doesn't really help.

She tells me about these things in her life like her home life and stuff and how people don't understand her. You can understand why. Her parents can't understand her. She's too different and they can't see that. Sometimes I just wish I could explain to them. Tell them about what it means to understand someone the way that she does.

I took her to another one of her friend's houses. I hate doing it. I can't tell her why and I hate myself for that. I tell her that it's okay and she knows that it isn't but what else can she do. She needs this. I waited outside again and hid under my towels. The landlord asked why all my towels are always dirty now. I didn't really know what to say.

That's the thing. I feel really bad about always getting them dirty. I know that he doesn't like doing lots of washing. Usually he just puts my stuff with his because I don't really go through a lot of washing. But with the towels he can see that something is up. I don't know what to tell him.

I just wish people would understand. It's so easy for me to explain it here, but I can't tell the landlord about Sarah and Sarah about me. I can't tell anyone anything. I guess I'm saying that I think I'm going to freak out one of these days. I seriously think that one day I'm just going to not care anymore. I'm just going to tell everything how it is.

Friday, August 03, 2007

I sped over there, around corners and nearly getting into an accident with me sliding across a bit of road when I stopped too quick. There was no one around really, which is great. Seeing a shark driving a car would freak most people out. Yeah, thing is, I got a call from Sarah and it's so quick that I don't even start thinking about it properly until I'm in the car driving to get her. She's at Moe's house.

"Hey, Shark." She said over the phone. "Um, can you come fetch me?"

I didn't know what to do when she said it. I mean obviously the thing to do and the thing I did was to go pick her up, but what to do really, like what to think about it. That's why I was driving so fast. Everything was going fast and my mind was racing. I didn't know what I was doing.

I imagined her having just cried or something when she phoned. She sounded like she'd just been through all the emotions and had none left. I think I was rescuing her. She would appreciate me being all fresh to it and not all emotioned out. Moe has a car and she didn't ask him for a lift. I don't know if she would be coming to my house or not. It seems reasonable, but I don't know if she will. You just can't really tell.

I got there and the everything stopped going so fast very suddenly. I got out of my car and it was all too slow again. I could feel every movement and I mean I haven't been out of my house for forty years and this is the first time practically. I stumbled over a sprinkler but got my normal movements back again immediately. I hadn't gotten to the door when it opened and Sarah came out. She leaned in again and I couldn't see most of her until she got out properly and the door closed.

In that little bit I saw Moe's house. I couldn't see Moe, but I got a quick look at his world.

Man, the weirdness of this right now. It was crazy.

"Hey, I just want to say 'hi' to Moe real quick." I said to Sarah. I smiled as I turned to say it.

She cut me off seriously and said not to. She shook her head and said, "Let's just go." Her arms were folded and she was a bit bundled up in herself like it was cold.

"You don't get how weird this is!" I said, very excited. "He's always at my house and now suddenly it's all the other way!"

She shrugged what I said off. "Look, let's just go."

"No, but! Oh man, this is so weird!" I said. "I wonder if he has to tip me!"

I was joking but I don't think she was in the mood to get it. She disapproved with her face. I could tell that I had some major adjusting to do if I wanted the being emotionally fresh thing to work for me. I suddenly felt embarrassed at being so excited.

I opened her door first.

"Hey, do you want to come watch TV?" I asked her.

"Please, Shark." She said. Her scowled a bit in a way that let me know how tired she was. "Can you just take me home."

I guess I didn't really have anything to offer her right then. I didn't get any pizza earlier. Moe wasn't working this Friday. He hasn't not worked a Friday since I started ordering. I thought it was a bit strange. I guess it's okay though. I felt a bit anxious at that point.

On the way home I pretended in my head. I imagined myself at Sarah's school and a gang takes over the school during assembly in the main hall and the whole school is there. They've got guns and they're taking everyone hostage. No one knows that I'm there and I sneak through the roof and the gangsters are up on the main stage where the teachers usually sit and I sneak up behind them. They've got Sarah up there and they've got a gun. I sneak up and hit the one guy. Not so that I kill him or anything or I would have just bitten him.

I use the gun to disarm the other gangsters. I don't kill anybody, I just shoot legs and arms and make them stop. I free everybody and I'm on stage with Sarah. But I don't stick around to act cool in front of anyone. I just sneak out the way I came. But Sarah still knows who I am.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

The other day I picked up Sarah at Moe's house. I walked straight up to the door and knocked for her to come. I don't know where his parents were, but I guess it's a good thing that they weren't around or else they would have caught me. Sarah answered the door and Moe was standing further back in the corridor. I asked her if she was ready to go and she said that she was.

Moe didn't say anything, but I think I know why. All around him he was surrounded by pictures of what he was like before. Every part of his life made up the hall around him and I don't think he knew what to say. I forget exactly what it was around him right then but I remember that his walls had the most awesome pictures up on them.

I don't really know what most people's houses look like inside. They aren't like Moe's. That's for sure. His house had all this character draped up all around on it. Every wall held together this story that you could only pick up on over a period of time measured in years. There were old chairs that you could sit on but probably never got used like that. With newspapers on.

I didn't go inside and I don't feel the need to look into that. Sarah came back with me and I dropped her at home because she was tired. She probably spent a lot of time right afterwards not going to sleep and taking her time. I didn't mind.