The Ancient Shark Of Despair's blog

Moe made a face to say that it was alright, his eyes widened comically and his smile small in all seriousness. He popped his cheeks and his eyes opened further. The third try he pushed even further but lifted his ears indeliberately instead, snickered at his failure and noted awkwardly that we were still watching him. A lack of seriousness is usually something to put you to rest, but Moe was the victim of a life of determined independence. Sadly so, his jokes didn't even trick his girl, our girl, Sarah. She smiled kindly but I couldn't help but look at her as we all tried to get out (metaphor).

I took Sarah home in my car. She came home with me instead and I was always in love with her. She came upstairs because she was tired of her homelife and wanted to sleep instead. My computer had all her music on that she'd lent me. Each of her songs was meant entirely and my not knowing how made me feel sad like I hadn't had a proper childhood but the truth is I was a shark instead. Sharks don't have emotions and if they do they're only there to trick you long enough to make a kill. That was until I met Sarah.

She lay on my bed looking like she was sleeping and I didn't know what to expect so I sat there playing her songs back to her mouthing to the emotions. I tried to voice too to get her to open her eyes. If she saw me acting them out there for her she might also see that I'm here for her. Unlike her family. I spoke softly, miming the words and pushing out breaths along with hers. Her eyes didn't move and I got shy anyway so I stopped it and moved away. She caught me there hovering above her and smiled quickly. I sat back down and gave her a look that reminded me of crying.

“Sharky.” She said quietly, she was falling asleep and waking up and her voice couldn't quite pick a tone for me. “You're playing my songs. That's so sweet.” She closed her eyes again and fell back asleep. I had just about given up. Moe had stolen my girl and I couldn't say anything because I wasn't even supposed to be in love with her from the start. I started deleting all the things I had saved on my computer, all the things I had kept for her even before we met.

“I want to show you something.” She said to me. I joked to myself that maybe I was dreaming but must have forgotten by the time I turned around because I fell into it. It was dark in the room with the only light softly buzzing out of my computer screen. I wanted to say it was romantic but it felt a hundred times deeper than that. She held up her diary and opened it up immediately to some magical page that I was soon reading. Sarah was lying back down on the bed but stared at me as I soaked in her feelings.

It was about sex. It was about sex with other people. Not just Moe. I felt so bad for him. I knew things so important to him and he wouldn't even ever find out. I took it all in and started again when I had finished. I didn't want it to stop. Sarah was pouring her soul all over me and I didn't want her to know that I had enough. Her eyes were open and staring at me openly. She stopped blinking and we spoke.

We started without words but soon she started to tell me all the things that were going on in her. She said that sometimes she thinks I'm the only one who knows how she feels, how she really feels. I nodded knowingly and didn't dare smile because I was embarrassed. I imagined touching her side as she lay but didn't dare in case she thought I was trying to take advantage of her vulnerability. “I know what you mean. I know exactly what it feels like.” I told her. I nodded while I said it and a tear dropped onto my bed. She wiped her eyes and I felt like it was me that was crying. We fell back into where things are okay. I told her I loved her as she fell back asleep. I didn't dare look at any other pages in her diary. When the time is right she'll show me. And I wouldn't do that because I respect her and I'm good. And if she saw me doing it she'd feel completely defenseless. And I wonder if that's what she wants.

It was nighttime and I hadn't heard from Sarah since she stayed the night at my house. She confessed to me how she slept with boys and I realised I didn't even know if she was going out with Moe. Moe's my pizza delivery boy. He's probably the most intense person in the world, but I don't think anyone gets him. I didn't think that Sarah got him either, but I just don't know anymore after she showed me her diary. There's a lot in people that you don't see at first. That's what happened with Sarah.

The next day I drove her home, but I had to drop her a block away from her house because her parents might see. I said that it would be funny if they thought I was her boyfriend. She said they'd kill her. I thought about how deep she was right there. She'd woken me up to all this stuff in her that I never knew existed in her or anyone else.

It was quite far to her house. She was pretty tired so she wasn't talking much. I didn't sleep much either. I slept in the kitchen. It's really not very comfortable on the kitchen floor.

I couldn't bring myself to ask about Moe and what was happening with him. Oh man. There's so much that guy doesn't know. Sarah was listening to music on her headphones so I had to get her attention before she heard what I said. I said, "Man, imagine if Moe thought I was your boyfriend." I was turning around a corner so I couldn't look at Sarah while I said it. I wanted her to see that I wasn't being like, too serious about it. "That would be weird, hey. He'd think that we were having sex."

I had another corner to turn so I couldn't look at her. I thought it was pretty funny. I mean, the idea of us having sex. And then Moe thinking that we were.

Moe is the type of guy who you think would be really uptight and angry if you did anything wrong, but I don't see him like this. I kinda feel like I understand him better than other people. Like I know how his mind works and I know how he'd react. Look, I'm not cut off from people's emotions. I know it would hurt. I know he'd feel really bad about it and bad about himself. I know he'd hate for a bit. But that's all part of it. I think that he'd be okay with it in a way that you wouldn't really understand. It's not the type of thing that most people really get.

Anyway, I haven't seen Sarah since then and I'm getting a bit stressed out. Moe's been delivering to me every Friday since I can remember(Don't worry! I still tip him!). I'm not worried about Moe. He's pretty solid as a person in my life.

A lot of people can't realise when I'm joking. I'm usually pretty cool about what I'm saying, like, I don't slip and say things that make people feel weird. Just sometimes people don't really get where I'm coming from. Like Sarah in the car. I know what it sounds like, it sounds like I was making a move on her.

First off: She's going out with Moe I think. Even if she isn't I still wouldn't do it because you can tell that Moe's in love with her. (What's kind of sad is that she told me that she wasn't in love with him when she showed me her diary.) I wouldn't try muscle in on a girl that my friend was trying to get with. It's just not a cool thing to do.

Secondly: I was joking. Plain and simple. It's just that when you mention 'sex' people get all worked up and weird. Also, Sarah's like half my age. I don't think it would really be appropriate for us to go out. I hate to sound like I'm being picky or anything, it's just that I don't think our life-experiences would match up.

I'm going to wait it out. Let her get hold of me, I'm not desperate or anything. I saw Moe last night. He didn't seem to think that anything was wrong. He was cool like usual, I think he's on my side on this one. That actually makes me feel really guilty, like I should tell him that his girlfriend is cheating on him. I mean, it's the right thing to do.