Phil and Neds excellent time travel!
Phil and Ned were practicing their music one day.
Phil played an electric guitar and Ned played a Hammond B-3 Electric Organ!
They began to play really awesome music! It was so awesome, a portal opened up and they were drawn through time and space. When they stopped playing, the building they were in was 8 million years in the future!
They walked out of the building and noticed it had moved to the middle of the forest. Strange creatures with wings and four legs moved around the trees.
A humanoid with copper color skin walked out of the woods and greeted them. "Hello! who are you?" he asked them.
"I am Phil." said Phil.
"And I am Ned!" said Ned. "where is this place?"
"We are in Michigan" said the stranger. "Also, it is the year 8002011"
"I guess that explains the old growth Oak-Hickory forest" said Phil.
"Has anything exciting happened in the last eight million years?" said Ned.
The stranger nodded his head. He was a bit different looking than humans of our time. He was 5 feet 6, and had longer arms and no toe nails. and his backbone was straighter and broader and more adapted to bipedalism.
"My name is Squanto. in the year 2008 there was an apocalyptic event! it wiped out 99 percent of humanity. it wasn't so bad, really. there were 20 billion people by that time" said Squanto.
"what happened?" said Ned.
"was it war or disease or climate disaster?" said Phil.
"these carnivorous rabbits showed up. They were really mean and fast!
They killed nearly everyone, then died off themselves!" said Squanto
"How did it happen?" asked Phil.
"it started in Indonesia. By then everyone in Indonesia had cell phones, Ipods, stereos. and there was a mcDonalds on on every street!"
"that doesn't explain the rabbits" said Phil.
Squanto continued. "The worst hip hop song ever had finally been produced by an American rapper. It was the summary of all the cultural roots of hip hop, and influence hip hop had on the world. Naturally, it became the most popular song! billions of people used it as their custom cell phone ring tone! millions more would drive around with a trunk full of speakers, broadcasting the song just so folks would see them listening to it!"
"what was this song?" asked Ned.
"it was called, "Poopin on the Sidewalk"." said Squanto.
"Get to the rabbits!" said Phil.
"One day in Indonesia, over 80 million people drank at least 5 cans of pepsi, ate at McDonalds, answered their cell phones, and played or sang along to this song multiple times on the same day!" said Squanto."finally the Jungian oversoul had had enought! Things were getting too ridiculous! So, he modified Rabbits to give birth to a new kind of Rabbit. These rabbits were really mean! They reproduced quickly and wiped out most of the human race!" said Squanto.
"So, like, did the nuclear power plants meltdown or something?" said Ned.
"No! Jimmy Carter, Andy Griffith, and Abe Lincoln were brought back as demi-gods or angels or something. They flew around and shut down all the Nuclear power plants" said Squanto.
"That was very nice of them" said Ned.
"do you have a copy of this "Poopin on the Sidewalk" song? I'd like to listen to it" said Phil.
Squanto led them to his building. Strangely, his copy of "Poopin on the Sidewalk" was on old Reel-to-Reel. He loaded the tape, and it began to turn.
to be continued!.....
Bella was taking out the garbage one night. Suddenly a large
anthropomorphic dog crashed into the garbage can. Garbage was all over
the street. The dog stood up and morphed back into a normal guy. It was Timmy from High School!
"Timmy! I did not know you turned into a dog!" said Bella.
"I am a weredog, but not very good at it. it takes years of training to
resist the urge to knock over garbage cans"
Suddenly a guy with deep red skin showed up! "Is this guy bothering you
miss?" he asked Bella.
"No. you look like a teenager. Why haven't I seen you in high school?"
"I am one hundred years old! I'm not going to high school! High school
sucks" said the guy.
"Are you some kind of vampire?" said Bella.
"Yeah. But real vampires don't eat blood. We eat a lot of tomatoes.
It is the source of our powers. We have to live in the pacific
northwest because the fog makes people notice our red skin less"
"Oh" said Bella. "how did you become a Vampire? what is your origin story?"
"My name is Randy. I was working in the tomato fields of California as a migrant laborer back when I was 16. the guy next too me was eating a lot of tomatoes. I reached for the next tomato and he accidently bit my hand. then I became a vampire!"
Bella was suddenly thinking about the big high school dance! She wanted both of them to invite her to the big high school dance! But she could not decide which one she wanted to go to the dance with!
"will you invite me to the dance?" Bella asked Randy.
"No, dammit! I have a lot of tomatos to plant!" said Randy.
"Pleeeease!" said bella.
"Fine, Dammit!" said Randy.
"Not so fast! Bella, I want you for myself! Will you go to the big dance with me?" said Timmy.
Bella felt really great self esteem that two supernatural guys were asking her to the dance!
"Gee, Randy already asked me to the dance!" said Bella.
Timmy was getting upset. "Then I will fight him!". He pulled a bulb of garlic out of his jacket and brandished it at Randy.
"Sorry dude. Garlic just makes me stronger" said Randy.
"I want Bella for myself!" Timmy told him.
"You can have her!" said Randy. Then he crossed his arms and flew up into the sky!
Nick and Tony were drinking tap water and holding fishing poles down by the ocean. They were Greek. Also, they were in Greece.
"This Greek Debt Crisis sure is getting me down" said Nick.
"Yeah. It is too bad" said Tony.
"Whose fault is it? Is it the Liberals? Is it the Conservatives?" said Nick.
"I don't know. My Ph.D is in Persian Poetry" said Tony.
"I am bored. Let's get some wine and go through rocks at the legislative offices" said Nick.
"I'd rather stay here and fish. Maybe plant some olive trees later." said Tony.
Suddenly one of the old gods flew out of the sky! It was Hyperion!
"Hey guys. How is the fishing?" said Hyperion.
Nick held up a string of small fish.
"got any wine?" said Hyperion. Tony held up the jug of wine and gestured for Hyperion to join them. Hyperion took a few swigs. It was getting dark. "Gather some driftwood, Men"
they made a small pile of driftwood. Hyperion shot a laser from his eyes and ignited the fire.
"Let me tell you the story...of the Greek Debt Crisis!" said Hyperion.
"finally!" said Tony.
"how did it happen?" said Nick.
"it was the globalists and euro-unionists!" said Hyperion.
"wasn't it big government?" said Nick.
"No! it was big borrowing!" said Hyperion.
"How do you have big government without big borrowing?" said Tony.
"The same way the United States did during the Civil War: you just print out legal tender, and regulate it and tax it well enough to prevent things from getting too ridiculous" said Hyperion.
"Yeah, well if that was true, how come it didn't work for the Confederates?" said Nick.
"The Confederacy was a backwards primitive country. they were terrible at all manner of managing themselves" said Hyperion.
"but how do we attract foreign investment without free trade deals and a common currency?" said Tony.
"you don't need much foreign investment. and you lose more domestic investment than you gain after free trade deals and global currency trading. You only need to export enough to import the raw resources you cannot produce in Greece". said Hyperion.
"well, how do we provide the social services and infrastructure our voters want?" said Tony.
"Those are things that do not require foreign investment or much in the way of imports. Legal tender. banking regulations. taxes". said Hyperion.
"but won't the global currency traders skewer us if we don't play ball?" said Nick.
"you don't have to expose all of your currency to global currency traders. You can choose to make regulations exposing only a small portion of it, and only on your own terms, for the purposes of what trade you really need." said Hyperion.
"now I get it. the liberals and conservatives are practically identical. the tea partyers concentrate the dumbest aspects of the conservatives. the minority political action groups concentrate the dumbest aspects of the liberals" said Tony.
X-men: Third Class
Many years ago, back in the 1970s or 1990s, or something:
Magneto and Xavier were hanging out in the pool hall.
Xavier: We have these super-powers. What should we do with them?
Magneto: We should think of ourselves as a separate race and wipe out
Xavier: Hey! We aren't a race. We're just humans with superpowers. Our
parents didn't have any powers.
Magneto: Yeah, but I don't like people without powers.
Xavier: well, eventually everyone's descendants will be born with
powers. That's the way the science works in these stories. There's no
reason for anyone to get upset about it.
Magneto: No! I am upset, and the regular humans in charge are upset!
We've got to try to wipe each other out.
Xavier: it will go no where. And eventually they'll make a movie using
it as a metaphor for gay rights.
Magneto: Why would they do that? Gays don't have superpowers. I mean,
some of them are good at interior design or fashion or theatre, but that isn't really a super-power.
Xavier: tell you what I'll do. I'll use my telepathy to help everyone
understand this stuff as well as me. You can use your powers to get
rich pulling metal out of the ocean and buy a ranch in montana.
Magneto: that sounds reasonable. I am glad this movie is over.
almost hard boiled
It was May 21, 2011. I was drinking at a bar. Johnny came into the bar. He took out two halves of a dollar bill. The barmaid taped them together for him. Now he could afford a beer.
The tv mentioned the end of the world predictions some christian minister had predicted for that day. Johnny mentioned he had some advanced degree in religious studies, and that he should call those people up to explain things to them.
an old Motown song came on the radio. Johnny stood up and started doing some kind of old dance move and singing one of the lyrics.
"what are you doing johnny?" I said. He started talking about Michael Jackson or something.
Jim and the barmaid started talking about the gunshots in the mirror behind the bar. "who the hell loses a bar after two weeks?" one of them said.
"where's Otis?" asked. "does he still own this place?" I asked.
they explained Otis had sold the bar to some blacks a month or so back. the new owners catered to lower tier thugs, one of whom had robbed the place and shot up some folks within two weeks. robbery of drug money was the reputed reason. Otis wound up with the place again.
"don't mention that. Otis is trying to sell the place" someone told me.
"this is a hard place to own a bar. it is empty a lot of the time." Johnny said. He had some obscure Kentucky speech pattern. and looked as though half his skull had been sawed apart in some kind of surgery years ago.
"I usually drink closer to home, but this place is on the way home from work"
"Yeah a lot of bars closed down. even that Sadd-o-mite bar down the street" said Johnny.
I stepped outside for a smoke. Jim was out there. he was a middle aged roofer. we watched girls show up for work at the topless bar next door.
I went back in for another beer.
A young woman came in. She was reasonably fit and well spoken and well dressed. she was not a local.
she passed out flyers
for the new health spa a few blocks away.
I went to the new health spa after I was done drinking. The flyer
said they offered massages. I asked for a massage.
The masseuse was a woman in her 50s or 60s. for the last 5 minutes of
the massage she punched and pounded my back and ribs.
The only other masseuse available was her son. evidently the
attractive young women only did hair and makeup and manicures.
He was walking on crutches. "what happened to your leg?" I asked him.
"I got shot" he said.
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