Everything in order

I told Moe that I thought it was funny how we both ended up falling in love with the same girl and how she ended up ditching both of us as soon as she found out. I'd gotten her round to my room. It's a funny story in retrospect. I paid Moe to get her round here, quite a lot of money actually. I had to ask the landlord for extra cash, which is never fun.

So I got her round here and we were having this really intense serious "let's all sit a circle and tell each other how we feel" session. Man, whatever. Anyway, it didn't go that well and she left. Actually, right before she left that pesky landlord walks in (I'm just joking, he isn't pesky). He's got Moe by the arm. He's really gripping him with all that Irish strength. And says a little curse in Irish and pulls Moe in through the door along with him.

"What is this, Shark?" he says loud. Really loud, I think. He was shouting. I don't know how to get across how hard he said this. It made us forget about how we felt pretty quickly. "How does this make sense to you at a time like this? How can you possibly make sense of this?" He was talking and there were no breaks for me to speak in, but he didn't really seem to know what to say, he just wanted to be talking at me.

I smiled at him cheekily. I mean, come on. You can't just burst in and just rant off with Moe and Sarah in the room not at all knowing what's going on. Moe definitely did not know what was going on. I thought he would just unleash himself and destroy the landlord. You would think he would have ripped the landlord's arm off and just simply pushed him hard against the wall, not even showing any anger. Because you just don't do that to him. No, Moe just stood there looking at me. He looked so angry he was going to cry. I think he was trying not to because of Sarah. Sarah was crying from before.

"Come on, let them go, they've got nothing to do with it." I told the landlord. He let go of Moe immediately and looked at me with this complete disbelief.

"Nothing to do with it? Nothing!" He looked like he was trying to laugh for effect. It was actually pretty lame, but he was so angry at the time no one mocked him about it. "These kids are going to get you burned at the stake." His voice had calmed remarkably. He looked like he'd never held Moe, not a thing about him was out of his control. "Shark. They've seen you. The neighbours. They know what you are. [Sarah ran out of the room] They're organizing a mob. They're on their way up here right now and they're going to burn you to death. Not me though. I'm on their side. I've won their trust. All week I've been talking. Talking about things that don't matter. Talking about their jobs. Talking about their children. They trust me. You're the one they're going to burn."

He smiled in a way. And he nodded to end it off. And blinked. His whole body had been hunched over but now he straightened it. He sniggered. He had lost his control again. You could see he was trying to laugh. Again we didn't mock him for it because we didn't want him to freak out.

Yeah, I don't really know how best to talk about change. I'm not really sure if I can sum up these sorts of things that well anymore. There are things in real life that you can use to check change over time. I think probably the first example that pops into mind is the things that I'm never going to have happen again. I keep thinking back to when David and Moe and Monopoly and everyone was just at my house for what seemed like it would never end. We would just sit on my bed playing TV games. Yeah, sometimes it didn't work out for the best. Sometimes people would fight and you'd think that oh no this will never get worked out, but none of that really mattered though. All that matters now is that we probably never going to have this again.

I got Sarah round. I got Moe to bring her here. This is on that night back the other day. When Moe didn't deliver and I had to ask him and tell him everything about how I felt. I told him that I had feelings for her. I paid him a thousand rand to bring her here.

He stood in the corner and waited. I kept looking at him and smiling, thinking about how he was being so responsible and standing up there for here, making sure nothing went wrong. Over all of his concern and his standing tough and uncompromising I couldn't help but smile at his uniform. All of it silly in this context, but all of us ignoring that because of how serious our feelings are. Oh man.

The landlord didn't leave. I didn't think he would, I know him too well. I asked Moe to leave the room for a minute so that I could speak to Sarah. He asked why and I felt silly about to tell him that it was secrets that I had for her that could change everything. Just before I had to Sarah started up and nodded to him that it was okay. I thought about him standing guard in his uniform and laughed under my breath about it. I didn't mean it badly, but he shot me a look to remind me how serious this was, but come on, I think we were all getting a bit too worked up about it.

She was sitting on my bed. I sat on it too, but half looking at my computer the whole time. I stopped now that Moe had left. I stood up and looked at her. Right at her. I just want to tell you that you mean so much to me. I know you couldn't possibly know how much. I haven't told you, I haven't been able to. I stood silently above her. “Give me your phone number.” I asked her. “I want to be able to phone you.”

She looked at me guiltily. I realised almost immediately that she wasn't going to. “Do you want some tea?” I asked. “I've got tea in the kitchen.” She looked up from her shoes and looked at me. Her shook softly and she waited for me. I nodded. “Hey! How about your matric dance, hey? That's going to be great. Oh man, I can't wait. I've been thinking about it so much.”

She nodded. I waited for her and then walked into the kitchen. I put on the kettle and moved a few cups around. “Are you taking him?” I asked. “I wouldn't mind or anything. I just want to know.”

She didn't reply. I walked back in and tried to ask her again. I tried to ask her but I could hear the landlord. He was calling at Moe. I told you that the landlord wouldn't leave. I know him too well.

"I can't stay here with you." The landlord said to me. "I've been taking care of you for too long." He stood in the doorway and even though he wasn't shaking you could feel it. He had absolute determination in what he said, yet he looked like he could be persuaded at any moment to throw away all his charge and hold on for another day. I asked him if he wanted to come in for some tea. He nodded avoidingly and shuffled in, giving each object in my room a thought before moving on to the next. I got him to follow me into the kitchen and told him about what was going on.

"I've got into a bit of trouble. With money." I said. "I need some more money. It's really important."

His mouth reacted violently and shrunk up and expanded resting on open scorn. He said "Sharky" to me but his voice nearly cracked so he stopped. He moved his head about the kitchen and quickly came back to me. "I can't believe..." he said to me. He said he couldn't believe that I could ask him. I told him that it was my money. I told him that he worked for me and I could ask for more of the rent money, but I wasn't just telling him what to do. I was his friend and I really needed his help.

He cleared up for a second, he asked me what it was for. I stopped him there. I didn't want to be rude and this mattered so much to me. I couldn't tell him. "What do you mean you can't tell me?" He asked and his voice rose. I shook my body around and tried to not get him hung out about this. I needed him to just understand that this was really important to me.

"It's those damn kids! Isn't it? Isn't it, Shark?" He moved closer and above me and his hand was almost grabbing me. Later I realised that I could have chomped him half right there, but at the time I actually didn't know what to do. I tried not to go quiet, but that's all that I could do. "I can't believe it!" He shouted. His face grew red and bits of spit left his mouth as he glared at me, every couple of words slipping as they flew at me. "I can't believe you could do this now! Do you have any idea how serious this is right now? You don't! You don't care!"

I tried to touch him to stop but his hand flew at me, knocking me in a way that hurt immediately. I ripped myself back. He kept hitting with his body but without actually touching me. He shook his arms as he locked onto me. "I can't live here anymore! Me and Celene are leaving! After this there is no-one here to look after you. My brother is coming with me. We're all leaving! Do you not get this?" He kept shaking at me and it wasn't fair that I couldn't respond. He would hit me again if I did.

"Mr Roberts saw you! You talked to him. You are a monster to them, that's all you are to them! What do you think he was supposed to think he was seeing when he saw you? Jesus, Shark! I don't fucking believe you!" He was crying.

Sarah has been getting more and more beautiful since I last saw her, which was a long time ago. I told her that I had fallen in love with everything about her. When she came over, which was just the other day. The thing is that I never have any way of getting hold of her. I phoned Moe and got him to come round. When he got here it wasn't him, just some other delivery boy. I had no idea what to do and wouldn't let him in. He started knocking really hard pounding with his fist and shouting at me to come out, but I sat there next to the door and wouldn't let him in.

He left after about five minutes. I didn't get up to check for a few minutes and by the time I did it was getting dark. I didn't turn my lights on in case he was outside waiting in the car to see if I was home. The walls had colourful patterns on them in all small shapes and tiny dots of red, blue and green I think. I couldn't place my eyes on any specific colours, but kept looking around slightly amused as I waited for the guy to leave. I got a call almost immediately and refused to answer it. It had been about ten minutes more and I guessed the guy had gone.

I got another call again right after the first and this time I picked it up. I waited for him in case he was trying to get in still. It was a soft female voice, she told me that she was from the pizza place and asked me who I was. I hung up and went over to the window. The room was still dark just in case and my eyes were adjusting to the dark seeing vague shapes turning into my room. All of the bits and pieces seemed alien by themselves. Usually the room all fits together with everything not standing out, but each thing took a bit of time as I waded across to the window to check.

Out of habit the first place I looked was down at the garden next door. I hadn't been checking in a while because David left so long ago, but I just had this feeling this time. This weird idea that if he chose any point to come home this would be it. There was no one waiting in any of the cars and I calmed down with my heart going slower just as a ring shot through my room from phone. A sudden jolt happened, so overwhelming for a second that I almost shouted or cried, but I spun round and scowled. My body crouched slightly and I went back.

“Hello?” The girl asked again, softly. She told me who she was again and asked if I was there. I told her yes and said that I was busy. I wasn't really paying attention to what she said. “He said you answered the door, but you wouldn't open it.” She told me. I said back that it wasn't true, but I wasn't sure exactly how to deal with this. I started thinking about my room again. It was getting really dark now.

She was complaining. The day had started that way too. The landlord was round and made me some breakfast, talked to me about his usual problems and tried to make me feel bad. He just kept going round in circles and I kept telling him the same things back. About how it wasn't my problem. Eventually I just kept quiet and stared at him. When that didn't work I looked away and ignored him. He didn't get anymore worked up and eventually stopped for a few seconds and fixed on me.

“Sharky.” He said softly. “I'm trying to help you. I'm only trying to talk to you because you make it so hard for yourself. I know you do things differently and I know you wouldn't ever change that, but there are some things that you can't do. There are ways people expect you to act and if you want to live up here in your room for the rest of your life that's fine with everyone else. But if you're going to live with the rest of us you're going to have to live by certain rules.”

I looked at him. My head slanted to the side and I thought about all the things he had done wrong in life. How his life wasn't anything and how he hadn't achieved anything.

“Sharky.” He said softly. “Mr Roberts complained. He complained about you the other day. I know you weren't trying to upset him. I know that you thought you were doing good, but you really did upset him. I told everyone that you weren't around anymore. You told me to. It's not fair on them to find out that you weren't. It was a long time ago, Sharky.”

I kept looking at him. I was focusing pure hate at him.

“Sharky.” He said softly. “He knows Celene. He sees her around. It doesn't reflect well.”

I just stared at him.

The phone rang and I picked it up, a lot angrier this time. I asked her what the hell she wanted. I asked her why Moe didn't deliver this time and why the hell not. She hung up and her manager phoned back a minute later. It was pitch black in my room. There was nothing except me sitting next to the phone waiting for them. The manager told me who she was and why she was calling. She told me that Moe had declined to deliver for personal reasons and that he didn't have to. I told her I would give him a thousand rand to bring me my pizzas right now. She didn't know what I meant at first. When she worked it out she said that my pizzas were cold. She put the phone down for a bit and I heard her talking. I heard Moe.

Still haven't heard from Sarah. Just want to know what's going on. I don't really mind waiting and all, it's just that I'm not exactly sure what I'm supposed to be doing right now? I really should have gotten her number. I always forget to ask though. I'll be talking to Sarah, really getting along well, sharing a bunch of things in common, but always thinking I'll just ask her later or something. Which I always forget to do. So, I guess I'm trying to get hold of her, I'm not exactly sure how one does this without her number though. I guess I could like, ask her friends or something.

Haven't seen Moe in a while. I've just been quite busy recently. Oh man, I must have gone up and down those stairs like another hundred times this week. It's insane. I guess it must be pretty bad for you though, doing all that exercise without eating all that much. Yeah, I haven't been eating that much recently either, I'm just so busy with all this cleaning. Seriously.

I ran into a neighbour on one of my trips downstairs. I haven't seen him for some time so it was a bit awkward, but you know how I am, I tried to accommodate him and be really friendly and not make him feel too weird. I turned really quickly when he called my name. That was probably a mistake as he looked pretty shocked when I did, almost jumping back. I looked at him for a bit with a half smile on my face, really friendly. “Yeah?”

He still didn't respond, but it looked like he was trying to work out what to say. I asked him again, “Is everything okay? Everything alright?”

He gulped down his hesitation and closed his eyes for longer than most people usually do. “What have... where... I haven't... I haven't seen you.” he said. I smiled again and nodded my head.

“Yeah, yeah.” I said, still nodding. “I've been really busy, man. I've just been cleaning up and just running up and down those stairs all the time. I must have done like literally a thousand laps.”

He tried to copy my smiling and gulped down again with his eyes closed. “I haven't seen you. I didn't... I didn't think you were here.” He opened them and tried to not look at me for too long.

I tried to keep him feeling okay. I tried a touch too powerful actually. I'm not really the type of person that likes to have power over other people. I prefer for people just to be cool with themselves and then through that to be cool with other people. “Yeah, yeah. I've just been so busy recently. You should have seen my flat.” I nodded again, I'm sure he knows what that's like when your flat is really dirty. “I don't think that was really the place to bring girls back to. There's this girl that I like now. I mean, we're just friends, but I mean like, I respect her. I'm not trying to go out with her.”

He nodded with his whole body. He was getting sort of cool with it all again. Talking about girls will do that to guys. He gulped again, but not that hard and spoke again, his eyes didn't close this time. “You are...” He paused quickly to find the right phrase. “...seeing people?”

Well yeah. I guess I am. “She's not like my girlfriend. We're just really good friends right now. I'm going to her matric dance. I didn't even ask, she invited me. Look, I really have to get back to my thing. I'm just really busy right now.”

I left in this weird way, my body was full of life and I practically hopped back to the staircase. I was pretty pumped and wasn't really in the mood to speak to the landlord when I ran into him at the top. He didn't even wait for me to say hello. “Shark, what are doing? What is going on?”

“Hey, look. I'm really busy right now. I mean, this isn't that important is it? Can we deal with this later?” I gave him a sarcastic face because I really wasn't in the mood for it right now. He didn't respond to what I said. “You can make supper for me and we can have one of your emotional conversations. Okay? Is that what you want?” He still didn't respond. He looked disappointed.

“Look, man. I'm really busy right now. I don't really have time for this.” I shook my head while I said it and pulled my face to show that I don't approve right back at him. “Get a life.”