Mean Ol' Ry

In the 5th X-men movie the action has never been more laid back. But there is good news. Storm is fighting crime in a Bikini again, just like back in the seventies. Halle Berry wanted a more prominent role, and they got rid of Jean and Rogue in movie 3. It is ok, she is still a strong female character. And there is romantic tension between Wolverine and Storm. Because all the other female leads are dead, and the movie has to be more than a 2 hour toy commercial.

The main villain is Bible-Man. He calls himself Bibleman because he has the power to cause natural weather and seismic catastrophes within a range of weeks several months or years in the future. Disasters on a Biblical Scale. His goal is to screw up the industrial agriculture supply enough for the military-industrial-congressional complex to collapse. In the absence of so much business as usual, society will collapse, billions of people will die, and mutants will have it alright because their powers mean they don't need expensive machinery. For example, one of his allies has the power to produce cans of dinty moor beef stew out of thin air, like how Iceman produces Ice out of thin air.
(but he has no can openers!)This is funny because the mutant powers are often very sophisticated and complex.

Another of his Henchmen is Bernard. Bernard was a big guy, like St.Bernards are bigger than most dogs. He wasn't super strong, but he was as strong as an enormously solid guy could be. He was stronger than Sabretooth. He carried around a cooler filled with Thermoses, sandwiches, flasks of firewater, and thick swish chocolate bars. Even though he wasn't super strong, no one else could lift his cooler(sort of like Thor's hammer: it was magic). Bernard also had the power of being immune to alcohol. He used this power for several days at a time whenever a girlfriend broke up with him, or after losing more than 50 dollars gambling.

Here are 2 more of Bibleman's henchmen. It is ok. This is a serious billion dollar franchise.

PizzaMan. Pizzaman can run almost indefinitely at a speed of ten miles per hour. Also, his feet can change shape for running on snow or sand. These powers weren't good for either fighting crime or robbing banks, so he took a job delivering pizzas. That is until Bibleman recruited him for his terrorist team. It had better health insurance benefits.

Clarence. Clarence can turn see through people and also turn invisible. He can fire lasers from his ears. The lasers turn into rubber bands almost immediately. Getting hit with a thick rubber band stings quite a bit, so it is enough to intimidate most people in a fight.

So, Bibleman is recruiting more allies and invites the X-men over. He explains his plan.

"Do you even have powers?" says Wolverine.

"I can control weather with my mind on a massive scale. I can cause heatwaves, hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes, freak hale." says Bibleman.

"Show us!" says Nightcrawler.

"It doesn't work that way. I cause it to happen within 6 to 8 months from now whenever I want to!" says Bibleman.

"Have you ever done it before? How can you tell it works?" says Nightcrawler.

Bibleman explains his powers. "I was very successful at business early on. I had deals going on all over town. So I had to plan my golfing and boating outings months in advance. The weather was exactly like I wanted it to be nearly 95 percent of the time!"

"so, have you caused a crippling Drought, flooding rains, blizzards, or earthquakes yet?" said Nightcrawler.

"No. But I'm pretty sure I can do it!" said Bibleman.

Henry McCoy took Bibleman aside. "You just don't have superpowers, Bibleman"

"I have superpowers, Dammit!" said Bibleman. He offers them a place on his team one more time and they refuse to join him because they are good guys. But Storm isn't there! She is at the Mall!

A fight breaks out and the X-Men are on the Ropes. They call Storm on her Cell Phone. She bursts into bikini form in the mall parking lot and flies over. She is still carrying her bag from the mall though.

"What took you so long?" someone asks Storm. They were having a sale at the mall, she says. (it is ok. She is still a strong female character).

She is upset because no one notices she is wearing a new pair of shoes.

Bibleman is overwhelmed by the presence of Storm in her Bikini. He asks her out on a date, and agrees to call off his crusuade of terror. "it's going to happen eventually without me anyways. you can trust me. I'm an eco-theorist" he says).

So they all celebrate making peace with some Dinty Moore. They turn on the Radio and start dancing. The radio is interrupted by a special broadcast. "Tokyo has been destroyed by an earthquake" reads the announcer.

"It wasn't me!" says bibleman.

The End