Mean Ol' Ry

An auditorium at an office building in New York City had been booked for a symposium. Dr.Garvin was the keynote speaker. He had been a research fellow for the KATO institute and presently served on the editorial board of the New York Rind newspaper. Members of Congress, the Presidential Cabinet, and many noted Academics were present.

Dr.Garvin took the podium and explained the situtation. There were graphs projected behind him. "In each new Star Trek television series a greater percentage of the episodes are about malfunctioning computers." Dr.Garvin pointed at the charts and explained the data. "In the future, 130 percent of new Star Trek episodes will be about malfunctioning computers.

When he was finished Bob Zoellick asked the first question. "what can we do about this?"

Dr.Garvin answered, "We are going to need more Star Trek episodes"

Steeven S'more finished his speech. The Audience applauded charismatically. He had told them everything they wanted to hear. everything they had paid him to tell them. He greeted some of his ilk in the lounge back stage.

"Good speech, Steev", said Muff Drooban. Muff was a theoretical physicist.

"How is our secret project coming along?" said Steev. They were working on a doorway into a parallel dimension that embodied their favorite fantasy books.

"It is ready. Let's give it a whirl" said Muff. They fired up their dimensional doorway and went to an America that had experienced the Strike of Atlas Shrugged. It was difficult to sync up everything correctly. So they stepped into Buffalo, New York of the Ayn Rand States of America.

But...they didn't know anyone. So they walked around. Within a few blocks they found a bowling alley. Inside there weren't many people bowling. It was a bit early in the day. They ambled up to the bar and ordered drinks. The Manager was at the bar. It was Dolph Lundgren! He ran the best bowling alley in Buffalo, New York. 20 lanes! A stage for the band. a forty foot long dance floor.

Steeven and Muff made small talk with Dolph and the locals. Eventually it was time to pay up! They tendered their money. "What is that?" said Dolph. Two dollars! said Muff.

"We only take gold coins here. that will be two gold nickels!" said Dolph.

"Can I work it off by giving a philosophy lecture" said Steeven.

"Your philosophy is no good here" said Dolph. "You'll have to wax my balls"

Steeven took a job waxing bowling balls. He was pretty good at it. Muff dropped the dimensional doorway remote control so they were stuck there until he could fabricate replacement parts. Muff took a job at Radio Shack. Steeven earned several gold nickels a day.

Later that night there was some kind of fair in town. City Manager Chen was the master of ceremonies. He introduced guest lecturers and announced which bands would be performing at the town opera house. Steeven booked a pedestal and chalk board to give his speech. his speech didn't go well.

"what is a laffer curve" said one local farmer.

"It explains why my countries deficits have gone down as we've cut taxes" said Steeven.

"But we don't have any taxes here" said Dolph.

"Let me show you my graphs. they make sense when there are only a few variables" said Steeven.
Just then a siren went off. It was an air raid. European Jet's flew overhead. "What's going on?" shouted Steeven.

"It is the British or the Germans or the Japanese" said Dolph. "They like to show off their jets".

"Don't you have better jets and guns?" said Steeven.

"No!" said Dolph. "It takes heavy taxes to finance the science behind that, then heavy government contracting to pay for it. You may have noticed Europe had way more scientific breakthroughs than America in the 19th and early 20th centuries. including Jets, computers, metallurgy, and something called 'Ray-Dar'."

"No! you just have to assume most of that never happened!" said Steeven.

"Why are they here?" said Muff.

"We demand gold for our oil." said Dolph. "when Europe and Japan created cars they built roads and everyone started driving. they ran out of oil very fast. We never got much automobile roads built in America, so we've still got more easy oil than the rest of the world".

"How is anyone independent without an automobile?" said Steeven. he had the tall lean physique of a man who designs airplanes.

Dolph continued. "they fly in opium and sell it for gold coins. Most of our municipalities and ports have outlawed the importation of opium or have very high tariffs on it, so the Europeans have to fly it in. It is like what the British did to China 150 years ago. But our Guerilla Warfare is too strong for them to invade us for long. just like George Washington and the Vietnamese"

Soon the European Drug jets were gone. The next day Steeven drew up a design. "I've got an idea for a machine that waxes bowling balls"

"How many bowling balls do you want to wax?" said Dolph.

"I want to wax them all!" said Steeven.

"alright. all you gotta do is draft up the designs and build one" said Dolph. Steeven panicked. He had intended to hire some Indian engineers to design the machine, and some firm in hong kong would manufacture it. He would own the brand name and his washington friends would help loan bowling alleys money to buy it.

"I don't think it will work. the local drug addicts would steal the gold coins from the ball waxing machine" said Dolph.

"It isn't fair!" said Steeven. "You'll just have to keep waxing balls" said Dolph. Just then a drug addict jumped over the bar and tried to take Dolph's gold coins. Dolph pushed him out of the bar and beat him with a stick until he staggered away. The locals chided the junkie for deserving to get thrown out of a bowling alley.

"Aren't you going to call the police?" said Steeven.

"The deputies are all at their day jobs right now. Besides, he didn't do anything illegal" said Dolph.

"He tried to rob you!" said Steeven.

"I prevented the crime" said Dolph.

"what about property values?" said Steeven.

"People buy houses to live in them. They rarely sell them, let alone for a profit. The gold supply is pretty fixed. There is no speculation. There are no realtors or mortgage brokers." said Dolph.

The next day Steeven drew up a presentation for Dolph. "by having an Advantage Membership registration, we can track information about customers. Then we program the animated computerized score boards to advertise products to them as they bowl."

"What is a computerized scoreboard?" said Dolph "what is animation".

"It counts the pins and keeps score." said Steeven.

"People who can't count their own pins don't deserve to bowl. No one wants to have to present identification just to bowl. how can they enjoy bowling if you dick them around that much?"

"I can give them coupons!" said Stephen.

It began to dawn on Steeven that his opportunities were severely limited in his dream world. eventually Ruff fixed the dimensional doorway. Steeven met with some of his friends in the private sector paramilitary contracting bizness. He had helped them lobby for tax cuts and dodges for the billions they made in government contracts. they had all kinds of cool military and spy-type gadgets the libertarians would never have come up with. They went back to Alternative Dimension Buffalo New York and took many gold coins!

One day Keanu Reeves was hanging out with cool people at a restaurant.

"I want to make a live-action version of Cowboy BeBop" he said.

"It is just a cartoon" said his friend Jake.

"It is a serious cartoon. It is Japanese. Cartoons are serious nowadays. And I am a serious guy" said Keanu.

"Are you going to play Vicious?" said Molly. "You already kind of talk like him"

"I'm going to play Spike Spiegel! I was an action hero on a bus. i was an action hero in the computers. Now I will be an action hero in Outer Space!" said Keanu.

"Dude, you don't come off as a cavalier guy with basic human emotions like Spike. You should play Vicious." said Jake.

"fuck you! I can act like Spike! I am going to act like Spike!" said Keanu.

"Just don't ruin it like you did Constantine" said Molly.

"If the anime is already serious, why make a live action movie that will be mostly CGI anyways?" said Jake.

"Jake, I am not picking up your tab for this meal!" said Keanu. then he ordered some really great wine.

The 2011 Nobel Prize goes to Arthur Grengerden. Professor Grengerden invented a virus that killed 98 percent of people with Tattoos on their necks. Also effective against people who throw their fast food wrappers on the ground even when there is a garbage can within 20 feet of them.