Mean Ol' Ry

Storm and Jean Grey went clubbin' one night. later, they were driving back in their exclusive X-Men Mercedes. Both of them were talking on their cell phones at once and looked the wrong way after stopping at a stop sign.

They ran right over a guy! Jean levitated the mercedes off of the man's body, which was covered in phone books. The man healed before their eyes. He was a mutant!

Storm and Jean took the New Mutant back to the X-Mansion. He was real taciturn about revealing his origin! "Call me Marten" said the new Mutant. "Like the animal the Marten".

"what is a Martin?" asked Jean.

"m-a-r-t-e-n. it is a vicious carnivore of northern forests" said Marten.

"I've never heard of Martens" said Storm

"Is that like a dog or a cat?" said Jean

Xavier interviewed Marten. "what were you doing when Jean ran over you with her car?"

"I have a job delivering phone books. I gotta make money" said Marten.

"do you have any other powers?" said Xavier.

Marten moved his hands to his pants and back to the air almost too quick to see, fast as a speeding drummer. In each hand was a salad fork held in a threatening manner. "I carry around these salad forks. They are the only clues to my mysterious origin. sometimes I stab people with them" said Marten.

Xavier inspected Marten's salad forks. they were the official cutlery of an 1858 trans-atlantic steamship's dining hall. Xavier was a fan of Antiques Road Show. "I want you to join my school, Marten. We practice using our powers, and also fight crime".

"i've got to make money. I'm going to make 200 dollars for delivering these phone books. Your friends smashed my cart." said Marten.

"I can get you a job delivering pizzas. you can use the X-Chevy Cobalt." Xavier assured him.

Marten took a job delivering pizzas for one of the local franchises of a global pizza chain. One night he delivered a 15 pizza order to Victor Trump's mansion. Victor refused to pay! "You'll have to take me to court! Get in line behind all the other creditors! I am a professional billionaire!" said Victor.

"I have a better idea!" said Marten. He took out his salad forks and stabbed Victor Trump. the puncture wounds went about half an inch in and didn't hit anything important. Victor hit Marten with a Super Chinese Karate Punch. Marten was sent 30 feet through the air. He stumbled forward to his X-Chevy-Cobalt and rammed it into Victor at a speed of 15 miles per hour. Victor was knocked unconscious. Marten picked up Victor's wallet and removed 160 dollars.

Adam woke up shortly before sunrise like always. He ate cereal, brushed his teeth and hair, and walked to the lake for an hour of fishing. Then he walked to his job at Best Buy. He worked at Best Buy.

Adam ran into his co-worker Demitrius on the way in. they got along well on the job.

One of the department managers greeted him behind the building. "Adam! didn't you get the message?"

"what message?" said Adam.

"the electricity is out all over town. didn't you notice?" said Richard.

Adam had not noticed there was no electricity. "I didn't notice. does this mean I don't have to come to work?"

Richard explained they were still waiting for word from corporate regional management.

"I'm going to go home anyways" said Adam

"Can you afford to give up 8 dollars an hour?" said Richard.

Adam decided to stay.

Adam decided to stay. it was slow going. there was no air conditioning. everyone couldn't tell how much most items cost. They couldn't call up the particular extended warranty for each item. The cash registers would not open. Adam spent the last hour drinking Pepsi with his co-worker Dimitrius on the roof of Best Buy.

After work Adam went onto the roof of his house and cranked up his CB radio. "Pineapple 1, this is Rosco9, do you copy". Pineapple 1 had his ears on. "where is the electricity Pineapple 1?"
Pineapple 1 briefed Rosco9 to the news. Terrists had taken out hundreds of power-grid substations the night before. They had stuffed timebombs into large socks coated with rubber cement and flung them into the midst of electrical sub-stations. they had all gone off at about the same time. Most of the nations electrical grid shorted out. Pineapple 1 was a licensed short wave radio operator. and he was retired, so he had time to pay attention to this stuff.

Adam spent the next few hours drinking beer on the front porch. A utility truck stopped at the corner. One of the crew climbed the electric utility pole. "when's the power going to be back?" Adam asked the crew.

"It's hard to tell. the power grid is tangled up in all this computer grid stuff. It would have been easier to fix 70 years ago" said an old timer. Adam offered him a beer.

Over the next few days Adam helped out at Best Buy. the inventory management system was down. no one knew what to charge anyone for anything. "Take this rifle. I want you on the roof. Fire warning shots at any groups of people who look like they will try robbing Best Buy" said Richard.

"Is that legal? I don't want to do anything Illegal" said Adam.

"I will pay you an extra 50 cents an hour" said Richard.

"Alright I'll do it" said Adam. He climbed to the roof of Best Buy. Some of the other crew were there. They had a grill going, and a cooler full of beer. Kyra was there. she had a nice figure.
She complained about the air conditioning at her apartment being off, and having no groceries.

Most of the workers had been sent home days ago. most sales and inventory operations stopped taking place. Adam missed working with Demitrius.

Adam gave Kyra the key to his house. He needed someone to guard his groceries. "My house is made of bricks. the basement is cool. I have many groceries." Her shift ended early. He told her where the rifles were. Adam would meet her at his house.

Adam and his co-workers listened to the radio. It had taken the radio stations a few days to ditch their corporate conglomerate programming and call back obsolete local DJs who knew how to talk. The news wasn't good. Members of many fringe groups were jealous of the terrorists success. The John Birch Society. the Black Panthers. Neo-Nazi punks. the White Knights. white suburban hip hoppers. the Punk Rockers. University students in their anarchy phase. They had launched sporadic copy-cat attacks on electrical sub-stations and random power lines.

The army and national guard had its hands full directing traffic. they were at many intersections directing traffic. Every gas station manager in town had to call in their friends to perch on the roof with rifles to ward off gasoline pirating gangs.

After work Adam found an unruly gang gathered outside his house. there were at least 12 of them. Kyra and her sisters were on the roof with rifles. "What's going on here?" said Adam

All of the members of the mob spoke at once. mostly they repeated guttural phrases over and over again, like incantations or something. finally the dominant mobster distinguished himself. He held out empty bags of KFC and McDonalds. "McDonalds is closed. KFC is closed. our grandmothers are out of macaroni and cheese. We cannot get any food. We are here to take your groceries". With that he threw the KFC and McDonalds wrappers right on the ground!

"I don't take kindly to littering!" said Adam. "I am not giving you any of my groceries."

All of the mobsters began speaking at once again. the Leader spoke up again. "We will take all your groceries. And the girls will have to date each of us!"

"None of you are worth keeping around!" said Adam. He did a super Judd-eye leap to a tree branch 20 feet high. He revved up his chi and fired a Freedom Wave from his Chi. The mob were disintegrated instantly and soundlessly.

Inside the house Adam got out his old short wave listening radio. He listened to the short wave for a while. "can you broadcast on the shortwave radio?" said Kyra.

"I don't have a license. I don't want to do anything illegal". said Adam.

"you'd better prepare it for broadcasting just in case. the cell phone network might collapse completely" said Kyra. while technically the internet hadn't collapsed completely, its bandwidth was severely reduced. if it were still just text it might work, but all the graphics and sound and video and pdf files and web browsers had congested the remaining internet into uselessness.

"alright I will. just don't let the hip hoppers know about shortwave radio. if they ever found out they would be on it all day. they would ruin it".

Adam got up early the next morning and began assembling basic electrical components into a shortwave radio broadcasting rig. just as he got into it there was a loud car horn from outside. the driver was really leaning on the horn. Adam went outside. There was hip hop on the stereo system. He pounded on the passenger window. "What are you doing? it is only 6 am"

The driver was indignant. "I am here to pick up my friend."

"is he expecting you?" said Adam.
"yes." said the driver.

"then get out of your car and knock on his door. Nobody wants to hear car horns this early in the morning". said Adam.

"I will honk the car horn whenever I want with impunity. I will do the same thing tomorrow morning" said the driver.

"you aren't worth keeping around!" said Adam. He revved up his chi and directed a Freedom Wave at the driver. the driver and his car stereo system were disintegrated instantly.

Time flew. It was time for Adam to get to Best Buy.

Adam looked across town from the roof of best buy. it was quieter than usual. The looting assaults on best buy had leveled off. the folks most inclined to launch thieving raids on Best Buy when the electricity was out lost most of their self-esteem and initiative after a week of not being able to listen to their favorite music and videos. He put down his rifle and poured a cup of coffee. Steam rose from the mug and dissipated like so many concerns and apprehensions of yesterday.

"I have a job for you" said Richard.

"what is the job?" said Adam.

"I need you to type my masters thesis" said Richard.

"I did not know you were a graduate student" said Adam.

"Yes. I am a graduate student in political science and economics. My thesis is due soon. I hear you have an old fashioned typewriter" said Richard.

"I will type your thesis for 8 dollars a page" said Adam.

"It is a deal" said Richard. He handed Adam his thesis folio.

Adam typed out Richards thesis:

"Dick Cheney is trash

Alan Greenspan is trash

Bill O'Reilly is trash

Rush Limbaugh is trash
George Bush is trash

Stephen Moore is trash

Anne Coulter is trash

Leonard Peikoff is trash

John Robert Bolton is trash

Jack Abramoff is trash

Newt Gingrich is trash

Grover Norquist is trash

Richard Florida is trash

Thomas Friedman is trash

Tom Delay is trash

Senator Bob Schaffer is trash

Robert Bruce Zoellick is trash

George W Bush is trash

Paul Wolfowitz is trash

michael savage is trash

Henry Kissinger is trash

Mark Levin is trash

Ronald Reagan is trash

Donald Rumsfeld is trash
...."

Adam's typing was interrupted by powerful car speakers.
most of the sound was thumping. the lyrics were very audible, but hard to distinguish. a few of the words could be recognized by their constant repetition.

An SUV with tinted windows rolled across the parking lot toward Best Buy. Adam recognized the driver. It was Demitrius! Richard got out his bullhorn. He noticed the SUV had a crew of young adult male humans with guns.

"Stop right there, Demitrius!" Richard stated over the bullhorn.

Demitrius got out of the car.

"I'm just here with my compatriots to visit the store, Compatriot!" said Demitrius.

"Sales are closed! come back when we are open for sales" said Richard. Adam peered over the edge of the roof with his spyglass. Demetrius' compatriots seemed to be carrying firearms.

"I'm just here with my compatriots to visit the store, Compatriot!" said Demitrius.

Adam spoke up. "Demitrius! I thought you were my friend! Yet here you are, up to no good!"

Demitrius was taken aback. "I've got to keep it real, compatriot. My compatriots got to keep it real, compatriot. the other compatriots won't know we are serious if we don't do this before they do it, compatriot!" said Demitrius.

"what do you want with stereo equipment, video games, and computer hardware? There isn't even electricity to use it!" said Richard

Demitrius was confident and commanding. "I've got to keep it real, compatriot. My compatriots got to keep it real, compatriot. the other compatriots won't know we are serious if we don't do this before they do it, compatriot!" said Demitrius.

"Ye Viking!" exclaimed Adam.

Demitrius got back into his SUV. He cranked up the stereo and revved the engine.

Richard was worried. the police and military were busy regulating traffic, guarding gas stations, and protecting the supply lines to Wal-Mart. Richard aimed his rifle at Demitrius' wheels. He didn't know what to do. if he stranded Demitrius' vehicle, he would be stuck with Demitrius and his friends. He shot out Demitrius car stereo speakers. Demitrius favorite music stopped. The subsequent rifle shots rang out louder. Demetrius and his compatriots began firing back with 9mm pistols.

Adam shouldered his rifle and fired at Demetrius' automobile. the gunfire stopped after an eternity of 20 seconds. Demetrius' body was thrown out of the autmobile by Demitrius' compatriots. the Automobile compatrioted out of the parking lot labyrinth as the sound of deputies sirens approached.

Richard sent Adam out to check on Demitrius' body. Demitrius was barely breathing! Finally They brought out a flat-bed shopping cart and wheeled him into best buy. District General Manager William Henry Harrison was there that day. He powered up his Chi and healed Dimitrius. "Dimitrius. I thought you were my friend!!" said District General Manager William Henry Harrison.

Adam gave Demitrius a 20 ounce bottle of coca cola. "You are not my friend!" said Dimetreus.

Dimitrius pulled a 9mm handgun from his jacket and pointed it at District manager William Henry Harrison's head. "confound you, compatriot!" said Dimitrius. He fired the weapon at District Manager William Henry Harrison's temple. The bullets bounced off of District Manager William Henry Harrison's chi.

"I'm sorry!" said Dimitrius.