Archives for: July 2009
Harry Plotter and the Half-Bad Prince
Harry Blotter was taking a nap under the window and listening to the radio. Suddenly his boarding school headmaster, Alfred Bumblemore showed up! "It is time to go back to school, Harry!" said Alfred.
They stopped in Brighton to pick up Horace Mugborn. Horace was very fat! "I'd like you to teach at Hogwarts again!" Alfred told him. "Is my tenure automatically reinstated?" said Horace. "Yes!" said Alfred.
Back at the high school Harry had a meeting with Alfred. "Harry! We're going to get serious about taking out Voldeymore this year". Harry noticed Bumblemore's hand was shriveled and burned black.
"what happened to your hand?" he asked.
"I burned it trying on a magic ring. This is a wound that will kill me" said Alfred.
"Can't you drink some of that Elixir of Life you and your friend had in the first book? Or at least wear some kind of magic glove over it." said Harry.
"I just don't feel like it" said Alfred.
"Well, how are we going to fight Volemore this year?" said Harry.
"I'm going to show you some flashback sequences to his early life. That way, you might be able to defeat him in a personal one on one duel" said Voleymore.
"But you already beat him easily at the end of the last book. Why are you making me do all this?" said Harry.
"Even though Voldeymore is vastly more skilled and powerful than you, it is best if you defeat him personally. because he shot you in the head when you were a baby, and also killed your parents" said Bumblemore.
"Voldeymore's crew are killing decent folks all over again. I feel you could be doing much more to defeat his crew, and Voldeymore himself" said Harry.
"Well, we should try to piece together concrete evidence of his origin story instead. the last time he died it only lasted 10 years." said Bumblemore.
"another ten years is good enough for right now" said Harry.
"don't worry. you'll be a billionaire. these movies are big. demand a percentage of the gross, not the net profits. they will always say there is no net profit." said bumblemore.
"Sorry. I don't know much about the wizarding world. I grew up with an abusive non-magical family in complete ignorance of all this magic stuff and culture. it doesn't come as naturally to me" said Harry.
So they went through the business of exploring Voldeymore's origin story.
Later, on Christmas Vacation, Harry was with his friend Ron at Ron's family's estate. The Minister of Magic, Rufus Lionhead, showed up. "Harry, I want you to work with me. it will be good for public morale" said Lionhead.
"the question is, why aren't you working more closely with Bumblemore. The Ministry of Magic consistently locks up good people, let's bad people go free, and is generally ineffective." said Harry
"Yeah, well there are rumors Bumblemore is a queer! Try thinking of that as the subversive element of the books!" said Lionhead.
"most of you seem queer to me!" said Harry
Later, back at high school, Harry got a detention and couldn't play on the soccer team. His friends won the big soccer game anyways. He celebrated by going on a date with Gina, one of the female soccer players.
After that He and Bumblemore went to a cave. there were curses all over the cave. "can't you override these curses with powerful magic?" said Harry.
"I could in the earlier books. but not anymore. so i've just got to subject myself to all these magic curses instead" said Bumblemore. First he cut his arm and sprayed blood all over the wall. then he drank half a barrel of poison. they got a crackerjack prize at the bottom of the barrel.
Then they flew back to school. there was a big Voldeymore sign on top of the school. So Bumblemore unlocked all the magic gates and went in. Harry's rival, Mako, tried to kill them. Bumblemore was about to talk him out of it, when professor Snake stepped in. Bumblemore pleaded with Snake in some kind of cryptic way. then Snake killed Bumblemore.
