Mean Ol' Ry

Archie prepared to throw the dart at the board on his basement wall. Just before he released it the doorbell rang. The Dart veered wild, missing the dart board completely and impaling a corned beef sandwich wrapped atop the shelf next to the dart board.

He heard Fritz greeting the visitor. Then Fritz walking down the basement stairs. "It is Inspector Cramer" Fritz told him.

Archie greeted Inspector Cramer in the parlor and offered him a corned beef sandwich and pint of beer. After they finished Inspector Cramer arrived at the point.

"We need to hire Nero to find out what happened to the crime" said Inspector Cramer.

"What do you mean?" said Archie.

"There has been no crime for weeks. no assaults. no robberies. no murders. No traffic tickets.", said Cramer.

"There's gotta be crime somewhere. step out of your office more. you might find some". said Archie.

"We've been looking for Crime all over town!" said Inspector Cramer. "No one can find crime anywhere".

Archie thought about that. business had been slow. no clients had come calling for private detective work lately. no spectacular divorces, no forged wills, no insurance fraud, nothing. "I'll ask the boss about it" said Archie.

He tip-toed up to Nero Wolfe's Orchard greenhouse on top of the building. "Boss. Inspector Cramer is here. He wants you to find out what happened to all the crime"

"Confound it! He knows I am working on my orchids at this hour! Tell him to leave immediately and return at a reasonable hour!" said Nero Wolfe.

One day God appeared up in the sky to everyone in the world at once. not ominously as a giant face high in the sky. More like a normal looking dude floating 50 feet in the air. everyone in the world saw him and heard him.

"This is God speaking. I'm getting rid of some stuff. For now on Guns won't work at all. Jet aircraft, rockets, missiles, bombs, and communications satellites won't work at all." He disappeared from the sky.

All the guns stopped working. the jet aircraft stopped working once they landed for the last time. the rockets and missiles and bombs wouldn't work. Satellite communications went dead.

everything else still worked. Diesel engines still worked. propeller airplanes still worked. electricity still worked. the radio still worked.

the chemical reactions and electronic physics of bullets, jets, space rockets, missiles, bombs, and communications satellites still worked. but not when applied to those purposes. there would be no loopholes in applying alternative chemical reactions and physics to the same implements.

Toby was pondering this at the bowling alley. he went in early to bowl a few frames. God showed up next to him.

"God, why did you do it?" said Toby.

"you people were getting too reckless" said God.

"I'm a member of the NRA! I have a second amendment bumper sticker on my car, a pro-life bumper sticker on my car, pray before every meal" said Toby.

"it is ok. no one else has guns either" said God.

"what about the liberals? they are against the Founding Fathers. Barack Obama is a Muslim" said Toby.

"I don't distinguish between liberals and conservatives. Your Nation's Founding Fathers didn't plan anything you have or don't have. I don't distinguish between Islam and Christianity...and Barack Obama isn't a Muslim".

"Can I still go hunting?" said Toby.

"you can try. but you'll have to use spears or arrows" said God.

God ordered some french fries and bowled a few frames.

Bill Cosby spoke from the stage set up on Public Square, in front of Tower City. the PA system was loud and clear. "We will be handing out free belts and suspenders all day" he said. His eyes were sharp. When a young male walked by with his pants hanging down, Bill Cosby would point him out and call him to the stage to get the belt.

"Here is a belt
it will hold up your pants
try wearing a belt
it will feel alright.
tie your shoes
you have nothing to lose
"
sang Bill Cosby

Soon a crowd gathered and was cheering. Bill Cosby spoke a positive message about the virtues of using a belt to hold up pants. Everyone was feeling good from hearing Bill Cosby's humor and positive affirmations about wearing belts to hold pants up. James Earl Jones smiled beside the stage. After a few weeks, he was going to encourage people to tuck in their shirts.

A jazz band was brought on stage. they had a piano, and upright bass, drums. after five hours there was not a person around walking around with their pants sagging down.

Ronald Reagan's chauffeur pulled into the parking lot of the local General Electric plant. He had dropped Ronald Reagan off at the office complex moments earlier. it was the late 1950s. They were in a town called 'Riverdale'.

Reagan gave his usual speech and then waited at the local airport. it was a small hick county, so the airport was small and serviced mostly small charter planes. the receptionist approached Reagan. "Mr.Reagan, flights have been cancelled due to weather at your destination. It looks like you'll be stuck here until tomorrow."

Reagan rented a room downtown and decided to check out the local high school baseball game. folks knew who he was and offered him a chance to do the play-by-play over the PA and local radio. Reagan enjoyed doing baseball play-by-play again. it had been almost 30 years.

After the game he took some of the home team to the malt shop. They enjoyed talking about baseball and old cowboy movies. Reagan felt a lot of paternal camraderie for the players. "I want you boys to have these chesterfield cigarettes. they are the best cigarettes! they have the taste that is mild!" said Reagan. the players passed around the first pack and lit up.

"these cigarettes have a taste that is mild" said Charles xavier, the shortstop.

"Thanks for the cigarettes, Mr.Reagan" said Eric "magneto" magnus.

"Any time kids. just work hard and believe in Freedom, and you can have good lives." said Ronald Reagan.

"I like living here. my dad's got a job in middle management at the G.E. Plant. I've got relatives working at other plants all over town. we've got 4 theatres downtown, this malt shop, several pizza parlors and restaurants, 2 hotels. it is a good town." said Magnus.

"just don't let the Communists take it away from you!" said Reagan.

"I will do my best to fight communism everyday!" said Charles Xavier. His parents owned a 200 acre farm outside of town, and his father was a doctor.

Later on, Magnus couldn't stop smoking cigarettes. he'd get Irrate and vindictive when he didn't have the nicotine fix. when he did get the nicotine fix he was hyperfocused on the objects of his Irrationality and vindictiveness. He went on to become a super-powered terrorists. It seemed like at least every 3 years he'd be caught up in some major cross-over event with some goofy plan.

Finally, when he was damn old, almost 70, he had mellowed out enough to meet Charles Xavier back at their hometown. The place had changed. the G.E. plant was gone. so were most of the other plants. Even though taxes had been much higher when they thrived.

"what was it all for?" said Xavier

"I guess...everyone should just move to california and work in the film industry like Ronald Reagan" said Magnus as he lit up a Chesterfield.

A van drove by. it was loaded with Mexican laborers. they worked themselves raw covering a 1200 acre tomato farm with tarps and irrigation hoses for about two months a year. and then they moved on.

Magnus and Charles went to their old high school. most of the kids seemed dull and slovenly. there were posters about college and the jobs of the future all over the walls. Magnus and Charles went to the teachers lounge. a radio was on. it was playing the Glenn Beck show.