Mean Ol' Ry

One day Robert was working at Johnny Appleseed's orchard. Johnny Appleseed had returned to life after Jesus Christ returned to uproot the Devil from the Southern United States. As Robert worked the local paperboy threw a newspaper at him! Robert picked up the newspaper. It said Elizabeth Cheney had started a new institution.

"What does this mean, Smedley?" Robert asked Smedley Butler.

USMC General Smedley Butler bit into an apple. he chewed it and swallowed it then answered. "Elizabeth Cheney is trying to wind folks up so they will vote for Wall Street Sycophants".

"She is claiming the Obama Administration is Weak on Terrism for wanting a diminished U.S. Military role in Iraq. If my memory serves me right, terrorists come from Saudi Arabia and Dubai" said Johnny Appleseed.

"nine eleven!" rang Smedley Butler.

"If my memory serves me correctly, President George W. Bush said he was Liberating Iraq. performing a head transplant. that the Iraqis would Welcome Americans as liberators. It wouldn't cost much, and the job would be done fast" said Robert.

"No one needs to remember details like that. If Bush was serious, he wouldn't have fired Jay Garner and replaced him with Grade A D-Bag Paul Bremer!" said Smedley Butler.

"If Republicans were in the White House they would call the 50,000 troops scheduled to remain in Iraq 'Enhanced Leaving Iraq'. They would praise it as a measure of success" said Johnny Appleseed.

"America will need Serious help to defeat Elizabeth Cheney! Dear Jesus, Please help us defeat the evil of Elizabeth Cheney!" said Robert.

Jesus replied with an astral projection that filled 1/25th of the sky. "I am busy terraforming Mars right now. You are going to need the help of a serious guy. Benjamin Franklin is necessary for this mission. I will send you to retrieve Benjamin Franklin!" Jesus' voice thundered.

A Douglas DC-3 flew out of the sky and landed right in front of them. A guy who looked like Bruce Dickinson stepped out. "I am here to take you to Benjamin Franklin" he said. Robert got in the DC-3 and they flew into the sky. the clouds turned a strange color and new patterns appeared in the sky. They landed in a place where the land was red and red grass did grow.

"where are we?" said Robert.

"We are in Hell. We are here to pick up Benjamin Franklin" said the Pilot.

Robert met his valet. It was Winston Churchhill! "what are you doing here?" said Robert.

"I help out where I can." said Winston Churchill. "I hear you need Benjamin Franklin to defeat Elizabeth Cheney" said Winston Churchill. He wore some kind of badge, kakhi pants, a collared shirt, bow tie, and field jacket.

They walked along a path until they got to a remedial education center. A man was discussing things and speaking to a group of students. When he was finished he poured a glass of water from a pitcher. After he drank it he approached Robert and Winston Churchill.

"Jesus tells me I should help you defeat Elizabeth Cheney because she is totally malicious and corrupt and nonsensical" said Benjamin Franklin"

"It is true" said Winston Churchill.

"I want to do what is right. How can you help?" Robert asked Benjamin Franklin

"I am the guy who invented 'being serious'. Before that, no one was ever really serious about anything. Today I help reform visitors to hell before they get reincarnated or sent to lower stages of heaven. I am a serious guy" said Benjamin Franklin.

They stopped at a bar in Hell for drinks. They noticed a Janitor mopping the floor of a bar in Hell. It was Jude Wanniski! "what are you doing here, Jude Wanniski?" asked Johnny Appleseed.

June Wanniski stopped mopping the floor to drink a beer. "I was sent to hell for my promotion of supply side economics, free trade, the gold standard, and Ronald Reagan. But I got a short sentence for standing up to the NeoCon buildup and invasion of Iraq. in a few more months I'll be ready for a lower level of heaven" said Jude Wanniski.

They flew back to Earth in the DC-3. Benjamin Franklin stopped in Pittsburgh to try something called "Pizza". Then he powered up his Chi. He levitated himself and Robert and Smedley Butler and Johnny Appleseed to Elizabeth Cheney's camp.

"You'll never stop me! I will make deals all over town" said Elizabeth Cheney.

"I am a serious guy. I try to do what is right." said Benjamin Franklin.

"I am serious every day!" said Elizabeth Cheney.

"You aren't really serious. You just wind people up to vote for people who pass Reaganomics policies. I invented being serious: before that no one was serious about anything" said Benjamin Franklin.

Elizabeth Cheney turned into a giant Hyena and began powering up her Chi for a Demon Wave Attack!

Benjamin Franklin turned into a giant wild turkey spirit.

"why aren't you an Eagle?" asked Robert.

"An eagle is just an ambush predator, like Al Queda. A Turkey is smart, useful, vital, and attacks head on. I am a serious guy!" said Benjamin Franklin.

Elizabeth Cheney Hyena fired a demon wave attack at Benjamin Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin fired back with a Kamehameha Wave.

Their beams met. Benjamin Franklin's Kamehameha Wave steadily drove Back Elizabeth Cheney's Demon Wave.

Suddenly Glenn Beck appeared and injected Elizabeth Cheney Hyena with a syringe of Blackwater profits from large government contracts. the Demon Wave began advancing on Benjamin Franklin. He began to sweat as he struggled to maintain his Kamehameha Wave against the onslaught of Cheney demon energy!

Jesus Christ and Winston Churchill flew out of the sky and gave a Senzu Peanut to Benjamin Franklin to eat. This restored Benjamin Franklin's Chi. "Kaiō-ken times 3!" shouted Benjamin Franklin. His Kamehameha wave flared forward and obliterated the evil Cheney Hyena Demon Wave!

The Dust cleared. Elizabeth Cheney Hyena was nowhere to be seen. Robert found a smoldering wallet on the ground. Inside were 20,000 Sheckel Banknotes, and some correspondence from Jack Abramoff and Tom DeLay.

Bill Gates is at a press conference in China. He gives his speech. Then the VIP surprises him!
"we are putting China on Linux. China will be all Linux for now on!" said the Chinese VIP.

It made headline news. Microsoft's stock fell. Soon most European nations came out with the same policy.

Thomas Friedman is upset. he had dumped a lot of his wife's shopping mall stock before it collapsed and put it into Microsoft. At a speaking engagement at Carnegie-Mellon he jumps off the stage and begins horsewhipping the engineering students. "I demand innovation! You've got to make a new Windows Operating System."

Robert, and engineering student, grabbed the whip out of Thomas Friedman's hands and threw it away. "Dude. We use Windows 2000 here. There is no reason to upgrade".

Thomas Friedman was incensed! "We need Innovation to compete! My stock portfolio is in the gutter!"

Robert tried explaining it like he would to a small child, "at this point the primary purpose of new operating systems is to slow down hardware. so folks have to buy new hardware also."

"I want to live in the future! My stock portfolio has to remain strong! I should be golfing with VIPs in China right now!" said Thomas Friedman.

When the assembly was finally over, Robert and his friends went outside. The sky was a different color than usual. the cloud formations were strange.

Jesus Christ flew out of the sky and landed in front of them! Then a flying donkey landed next to him! "Robert. I have chosen you to aid in my mission" said Jesus.

"Why did you bring a Donkey?" said Robert.

"Today Elephants are too wicked. I do not want to strengthen that brand" said Jesus.

"what do you want me to do?" said Robert.

"All Wicked or Sinful policies in America come from the Southern States. From their elected representatives, their ideological leaders, and from their cultural contributions" said Jesus.

"Are you saying Southernors are bad?" said Robert.

"do not put words in my Mouth! most southernors are relatively decent. there are some positive contributions. Not all policies from the south are bad. but all bad policies in the United States are from the south.
including southern california. Most of them are okay individually, but when they get together the tribalism takes over. " said Jesus.

"Why is it that way Jesus?" said Robert.

"It is because the Devil is in the Heart of the South. He corrupts people. and those people corrupt America". said Jesus.

"What did the devil do?" said Robert.

Jesus voice deepened and filled the sky. "The Devil is responsible for all bad policies in America. The South's constant effort to maintain and expand slavery. the annexation of Texas from Mexico. The Indian Removal Acts. The Texas Revolution. the pursuit of free trade. Bretton Woods. Wal-Mart. Enron. NAFTA. Vietnam. the Iraq War. the Banana Republics. overthrowing democracies in latin america and iran. the invasion of iraq. televangelists. the Reagan Revolution. mcdonalds. suburban sprawl. the NeoCons. All these movements were made possible by the southern voters"

"How can we defeat evil?" said Robert.

"I have returned to defeat the Devil!" said Jesus. Jesus summoned American Saints from the past and present. Willie Nelson. Andy Griffith. Mark Twain. George Washington. Johnny Appleseed. Henry Carey. Abe Lincoln. Theodor Roosevelt. Thorstein Veblen. Willis Hawley. Alexander Hamilton. Smedley Butler. Reed Smoot.

They got out their instruments and began Jamming. A glowing globe encircled them and they flew through the air Southwards. Jesus powered up his Chi and fired a super-Kamehameha wave into the heart of the South. The Devil appeared and tried firing his Devil Wave at Jesus.

The Devil's wave began faltering. Ronald Reagan then injected the Devil with a syringe of corporate welfare funded by his strong increases in the payroll taxes of most working americans and small businesses. The Reagan Devil Wave began pushing back the Jesus Wave.

Jimmy Carter gave Jesus Christ a Senzu Peanut to eat. "Kaiō-ken times 5!" shouted Jesus Christ. His super-Kamehameha wave grew stronger and defeated the Devil.

After this an Aura of Goodness erupted spontaneously across the land. everybody became smarter and more decent. Even the worst people. Anne Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Doctor Laura, John Stossel all resigned from public life to spend their ill-gotten fortunes on quiet charity and penance.