Mean Ol' Ry

Dr.Laura was prattling on during her Radio Show about the latest Keanu Reeves movie. Keanu Reeves had made a scene-for-scene remake of The Quiet Man. He had put as much energy into an early 20th century Pittsburgh Accent as John Wayne had.

"The Liberals are trying to take our movies. They hate america. This is Marxism" said Dr.Laura. Soon Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh got in on it. Before you knew it, the Republicans had taken over congress again. They lowered taxes so much that John Wayne flew down out of the sky alive and well! He was as fit and charismatic as he was at the age of 45!

John Wayne got right to work making movies again. His movies did poorly. John Wayne was despondent and brooding over this at a fancy hotel bar somewhere. Suddenly he was approached by a fiercely charismatic Korean. It was Reverend Moon Dung Sun! Reverend Sun wanted to finance a new John Wayne movie! "John Wayne! I want to pay you 15 million dollars to make a movie. We have to make a modern movie!" said Reverend Sun.

"What does it take to have a modern movie?" said John Wayne.

"It has to have titties!" said Reverend Sun.

"Titties!?" said John Wayne.

Soon the movie was under production. They had gotten Michael Bay to direct it. After production wrapped, John Wayne and his manager and Reverend Moon were at the fancy hotel bar. Reverend Moon handed John Wayne the check for $15,000.000.00 dollars.

"Where'd you get all this money, Reverend Sun?" said John Wayne.

"I've got deals going on all over town. We've spent over a billion dollars on newspapers and real estate in America" said Reverend Sun. He was fierce and masculine, like a Korean VIP.

"But where does the money come from?" said John Wayne.

"Oh. We just write in the numbers in the banks over in Korea. then we transfer the funds to America."

"Is that real?" said John Wayne.

John Wayne's manager spoke up. "It is real when it gets here. Relax. you've got 15 million dollars. just sell the right ideas."

The movie premiere soon arrived. important people gathered to view the movie. It was a great modern movie! there were vehicle chases, crashes, machine guns, explosions, fast camera angle changes. John Wayne's character used all the best modern dialogue! "fuck you and die!" said John Wayne as he broke one of the Henchman's arm! "Yippie kie ay, mother fucker!" said John Wayne's character as he threw his opponent off a building and dropped a hand grenade on him. Near the end of the movie, several women ran towards his character. They all wanted his attention but he could not talk fast enough to answer each of them. they got jealous of each other and desperate for John Wayne Character's favor! So they ripped their shirts off! "Put away those titties!" said John Wayne's character. and credits rolled!

Edward McCullenski was in chemistry class staring out the window.

The Guidance Counselor poked his head into class. I need to see you in the guidance office, he said.

Edward trudged to the guidance counselor in an upright, strong, yet brooding way.

the Guidance Counselor was already at his desk.

"Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward" said the guidance counselor.

"what is it, Guidance Counselor?"

"I know you are a vampire" said the Guidance counselor.

Edward looked worried for about 2 seconds.

"It is alright. I am a wereMoose. I could tell you were a vampire because of my wereMoose senses." said the Guidance counselor.

"What do you want?" said Edward.

"I want to know why you are in high school. you are over 100 years old" said the Guidance counselor.

"I got to study for the S.A.T!" said Edward.

"Be serious. why are you really here!" said the Guidance counselor.

"It is the chicks. High school chicks dig older guys" said Edward Cullen.

Lisa really wanted to go on a date with Rick Goku. But Goku just wanted to practice fighting. So she promised him tickets to the Chinese Buffet on the SDF-1.

Goku was in Line at the Buffet when the Zentraedi attacked! Captain Gloval ordered a space fold. The SDF-1 reappeared near the orbit of planet Pluto! Lisa had to work on the Bridge all day. So Goku hung out at the Gym with Vegita.

Later, he was hanging out with Lisa. "I've got bad news Goku. There are one million Zentraedi capital ships out there. each one is a kilometer long, heavily armed, and carrying many squads of armored infantry."

Roy Fokker was with them. "Rick Goku. It is time you enlisted in the RDF!".

Goku went to enlist. they wouldn't take him because he had no high school diploma and kept turning into a giant ape when he was a kid! 4-F! Vegita had a college degree so he was already an officer, but he spent all of his time in the weight room lifting weights.

The Zentraedi sent a few dozen armored infantry mecha to harass the SDF-1 once a week. Roy Fokker and his friends flew out into space in their Veritechs to fight them. Minmei was flirting with the pilots at lunch one day. It didn't bother Rick Goku until she gave them free egg rolls.

"why don't you give me extra egg rolls, Minmei?" Goku asked her when they were watching television later.

"Oh Goku! you're so silly!" said Minmei.

Goku decided to show he was serious. He ran all the way to the top floor of the SDF-1. He climbed out the Window and looked for the Zentraedi Fleet of one million war ships. There it was! just a few hundred miles away. "Geezus, it is cold out here!" thought Goku.

He powered up his Chi and fired a Kamekameha wave at the Zentraedi Fleet!

Breetai was drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper when the Kamekameha wave struck. It didn't hit his flag ship. but some kind of shock wave made the rest of the ships rumble for a few seconds. his coffee spilled onto his pants. "Dammit! I just got these dry cleaned!". He went to the window and looked outside. Exedore came up on the giant video screen. "Sir, twenty thousand of our ships have just been destroyed!" said Exedore.

"Are you kidding me?" said Breetai. Even when the Micronians fired the SDF-1's reflex cannons they only took out two or three ships.

"Yes. It appears the Micronians have some new weapon".

Breetai got on the radio and hailed the SDF-1. He called for a ceasefire with Captain Gloval.

Roy Fokker was chewing Goku out. "Dammit Goku! they've got a million ships. they could have destroyed us in about 2 minutes after you pulled that stunt"

"I can't just stand here while MinMei gives extra egg rolls to the veritech pilots!" said Goku.

Just then Lisa hailed Roy over the intercom. she called him to the bridge to talk with Captain Gloval. Roy took Goku with him. Even though there was no reason Goku and Gloval would ever be talking to each other, Roy and Lisa were pretty high up officers.

"Commander Fokker, the leader of the alien fleet has requested negotiations. You are the coolest guy on board so I am sending you" said Captain Gloval.

Roy Fokker hopped in his diplomacy Veritech and flew over to Breetai's flag ship. He and Breetai talked about serious stuff. Breetai liked the Neil Young records and special cigarettes the human brought him. Soon they were great pals. Breetai called a truce!

soon Breetai's entire fleet were listening to old records. everyone was having a good time.

Meanwhile Goku was getting his brains picked by Intelligence boys. Gloval and Lisa were there too.
"You took a big risk Goku. even if you could destroy all the Zentraedi ships with one Kamekameha blast, they are too spread out for you to hit them all at once." said the Spook.

"Dude! Me and my friends were blowing up moons and doing kung fu too fast to see when our power levels were at 800. My power-level is at fifty million now and I can also teleport!" said Goku.

"holy sheet! That is some strong Chi!" said Captain Gloval

"Can you hit all the enemy ships within two minutes!" said the Spook.

"I could if i tried! I don't want to go outside in space again though! It is really cold out there!" said Goku.

Henry Gloval ringed up Vegita at the weight room's teleconference screen. "Vegita! Do you have any Saiyan Space Pants and Space Sweater Vests to lend Goku?"

"They are in the bottom dresser drawer in my room! don't bother me when i'm lifting weights!" said Vegita.

Just then Dolza showed up with 4.8 million more heavy war ships! "Breetai! why have you not captured the Super Dimensional Fortress!" said Dolza. He was the top boss in the Zentraedi army.

"Dude. It is cool now. We worked it out. the Micronian scientists will figure out the protoculture stuff. they are pretty good at science."

"This is unacceptable!" said Dolza. He ordered his fleet to destroy Breetai's fleet, the Earth, and the SDF-1.

Goku got on his saiyan space pants and saiyan sweater vest. He went out into outer space and teleported all around, stopping for a split second to line up shots and fire Kamekameha waves that took out thousands of Dolza's battleships at a time. Soon all 4.8 million of them were destroyed! But Dolza's giant fifty mile flag ship was still there! Dolza powered up his flag ships reflex cannon to raze the earth. Goku was too exhausted to defeat it!

Then he remembered the lunch box Minmei gave him. Inside were half a dozen egg rolls! He ate them all and it restored his energy. He teleported between Dolza's reflex cannon beam and the Earth. "Kaio-ken times 10!" shouted Goku. His 10X Kaio-ken Kamekameha wave defeated Dolza's reflex cannon beam and destroyed Dolza's flag ship!

"Holy Sheet! That is some strong Chi!" said Captain Gloval.

Jesus was feeling pretty good. His Mars terraforming mission was on track. He had a toyota corolla and a nice house. His bowling game was getting better; his team was almost tied for second in the league.

He was eating French Fries at the bowling alley lunch counter one afternoon when Johnny Appleseed stopped in for some cider.

"Jesus! when did you get back? I thought you were terraforming Mars"

"I've done enough for now. set its orbit a bit closer to the sun. broke enormous ice comets into smaller pieces at set them to collide with Mars over the next million years. After that I can start the algae to work." said Jesus.

"That seems pretty fast. You spent billions of years building the Earth up and pulling a few chromosomes around until Humans evolved" said Johnny Appleseed.

"I was just practicing back then. This time I know what I'm doing" said Jesus.

"I'm going to church. would you like to go to church with me?" said Johnny Appleseed.

"since you asked I will go" said Jesus.

They went to a Methodist Church. When the Minister called out for them to read along or sing along to different psalms and hymns, Jesus tried finding them in the book placed in front of his bench. He could never find them! There was no table of contents or index listing them in alphabetical order and displaying what page they were on!

After Church Jesus told Johnny Appleseed about his troubles.

"Don't you know all that stuff by heart?" asked Johnny Appleseed.

"No. That stuff was written after I flew up into heaven. I haven't really been paying attention since then" said Jesus.

Just then a hillbilly drove by. He stopped at a stop light and revved his engine. when the light turned green he Peeled out and then accelerated far faster then he needed to. There was a Sarah Palin bumper sticker on his car.

"I don't understand this Sarah Palin popularity. She seems completely nonsensical" said Johnny Appleseed.

"when people live in a place with vast natural resources, and a lot of oil money and federal money coming in, they embrace some weird Conservative set of slogans. It happened in Texas. It happened in Saudi Arabia. It even happens in Virginia sometimes" said Jesus.

Later, after a night of bowling, Fox News came on the television at the Bar. Jesus was struck by a wave of nonsense. "I've got to defeat the nonsense" said Jesus. He and Johnny Appleseed flew up into heaven and picked up Victor Jara.

Then they hailed a DC-3 aircraft piloted by a guy who looked like Bruce Dickinson. They travelled to Hell and went to find Richard Nixon. They found him working as a Caddy at a golf course.

"Where is Henry Kissinger?" asked Victor Jara.

"He will be here sooner or later" said Richard Nixon.

"Why are you working at a golf course in hell?" asked Johnny Appleseed.

"I got promoted. When I first got to hell I had to work at a Sakkio Japan at the Mall Foodcourt. It sucks working at the mall. The only people who hang out at the Mall are other citizens of hell! and they hardly have any money! We tried to build a bigger mall to attract people from Heaven. But people from Heaven don't believe in Malls!" said Richard Nixon.

Jesus spoke. "We have come to seek your counsel on defeating Sarah Palin" said Jesus.

"I thought you cured her when you defeated the Devil at the Heart of the South" said Richard Nixon.

"The Devil is weak and no longer in the heart of the South. So he has possessed Sarah Palin" said Jesus.

"I recognize Johnny here, but who is the other guy?" Richard Nixon asked Jesus.

"This is Victor Jara. He is the Messiah of South America. Johnny Appleseed is the Messiah of North America." said Jesus Christ.

"why didn't Johnny Appleseed get tortured to death like you and Victor Jara?" Richard Nixon asked Jesus.

Johnny answered him. "It is because I was from the United States. Americans had it easier than most people, therefore so did I" said Johnny Appleseed.

Victor Jara spoke to Richard Nixon. "That reminds me. You were very nice with China. China was way worse than anything President Allende was doing. Why weren't you as nice to Chile as you were to China?"

Smedley Butler jumped out of the sky. "if you own stock in a fruit company you can make an extra penny a crate. After congress or the president sends in the Marines" said Smedley Butler.

"Or the CIA" said Richard Nixon."At any rate, that is all over now."

It was then that Sarah Palin -possessed by the Devil- parachuted into Hell. She fired an evil demon wave at Jesus, Johnny Appleseed, and Richard Nixon.

Johnny Appleseed fired up his chi and countered the demon wave with a Kamekameha wave. His wave steadily pushed back the evil demon wave. until Anne Coulter injected the devil-possessed Sarah Palin with a syringe full of her book deal commissions. Johnny Appleseed's Kamekameha wave began to falter. Jesus gave Johnny Appleseed a Senzu Peanut to eat. "Kaioken x5!" shouted Johnny Applseed. his Kamekameha wave defeated the demon wave and forced the Devil out of Sarah Palin.

The Devil looked embarrassed. "why do you always have to do that, Jesus?"

Jesus helped the Devil to his feet. "You keep doing bad stuff. I try to stop that when I can" said Jesus.

"Why don't you put a stop to the devil permanently" said Richard Nixon.

"he's the landlord of hell. If he weren't around I'd have to run the place myself. also, he is my brother-in-law" said Jesus.

Jesus summoned a picnic table and a case of Budweiser. Jesus, Richard Nixon, The Devil, Johnny Appleseed, Sarah Palin, and Smedley Butler drank Budweiser together on a golf course in hell. "You're not all bad Sarah, but I think the most you can handle in civic administration is being mayor of Wasilla. Help get the Meth addicts cleaned up" said Jesus Christ.

"Can't I go back to being governor?" asked Sarah.

"that really only worked when the rest of the country wasn't paying attention. Maybe get a job with the Matanuska-Susitna Borough. There are plenty of Meth addicts throughout the borough." said Jesus.

The end.