Mean Ol' Ry

adventures of Rocket Dog.

Mary and her reporter friends finished their coffee at the coffee shop. They left to walk to the office. A man was digging through a garbage can in front of the house next door. The man ripped a bag out of the can and scattered it across the lawn. He rolled around on the ground in the trash.

Mary and her reporter friends averted their eyes as they walked by. "who is that guy?" said Mary.
Lou answered. "that is crazy Joe. He lives under a bridge and does odd jobs".

Mary and Joe and Doug went through the day at the office, doing Journalism.

At the end of the day they walked to the Burrito Shop. They met Crazy Joe walking in the other direction. "The Dog Who walks. Yeahhhh! Dig it! The Dog who cannot die! Ooooh Yeahh!" Joe ranted to no one in particular.

There was Commotion before Mary and her other reporter friends got to the Burrito Shop! some young adults sped away in a cadillac escalade. Shrieks and wailing sounds came from the Burrito Shop. "What happened!" Mary called out to a customer in tears.

"some young men with guns stole all the burritoes!" said a despondent customer.

"what are we going to do now?!!" said Doug.

A guy flew out of the sky. He wore a generic mechanics coveralls and an argyle ski mask. "what is the problem here?" he asked Mary.

"Some young men stole all the burritoes. they went thataway!" Mary pointed in the direction the thugs had fled.

The flying guy flew after the young men.

"Who was that flying guy?" asked Doug.

"He flies like some kind of Rocket. He is Rocket Dog!" said Mary.

***********

The young men were congratulating each other with glee. "Shit, Fella. We fucked them up good" said young man 1.

"that's what I'm talkin about! Goddaaaam!" said Young man 2.

Young Man 3 thrust his gun into the air emphatically. "I be like, 'Give me your burritoes Bitch' and they be like 'don't shoot' and I be like 'I rollin large fella!'. Shiit Goddamm muthafucka! hahahaha".

A cell phone ring tone went off. It was a custom ringtone of some kind of aggressive chanting. The young man answered the phone. A woman's voice sprang from the receiver. "where you at?"
"I am at the mall" said the young man.

"Where you at?" said the woman more emphatically.

"The mall" said the young man.

"I don't believe you. where you at?" said the woman.

"The mall!" said the young man.

"Huh?" said the woman.

"The mall!" said the young man.

"you better not be with Moesha" said the woman.

"I got a present for you. we will be living large" said the young man.

The woman's voice turned kind of sweet. "Awwww"

"I will see you shortly" said the young man. he ended the call.

"Dammm. you are whipped an shit" said another young man.

"Fella, I am going to fuck my bitch and then go to sleep. an shit" said the young man.

"Awright, fella. Goddam" said his friend.

They suddenly crashed into something. their Cadillac Escalade stalled out. It would not restart. the thugs got out of the car. The front end was bent around the unbent frame of a guy in Mechanics Coveralls and argyle ski mask.

"Hey! What are you trying to do?" said the ski mask guy.(it was Rocket Dog)

"These burritoes belong to us now! Shiit!" said the first young man.

"Decent people wanted to pay for those burritoes" said Rocket Dog.

"Fuck you, muthafucka! Shiit" said the second young man.

They pulled out their semi-automatic handguns and unloaded the clips at Rocket Dog. Half the bullets did not hit him because the young men held their guns sideways. The rest of the bullets stopped at Rocket Dog and fell to the ground harmlessly.

"none of you are worth keeping around." said Rocket Dog. beams flashed out of his eyes and incinerated the three young men instantly.

Back at the Burrito Shop, the people were in tears. "where are the burritoes!" "what are we going to do now!"

A flying guy arrived carrying a Cadillac Escalade full of Burritoes. "Your Burritoes are safe now!" he called out. The people sprayed the Escalade down with disinfectant, opened it up, and distributed the Burritoes. Rocket Dog winked at Mary and flew away.

Later that night, under a bridge, crazy Joe removed a foil package from his overcoat. He unwrapped it delicately. It was a Burrito! "I earned this burrito!" he said.

Here come the libertarians.

A crowd of protesters gathered outside of the Cleveland Browns Stadium. They were protesting the government taxing citizens to build stadiums and arenas for billion dollar professional sports leagues. They were led by Drew Bleary, a spokesman for Dealer Magazine.

"We don't need government financing stadiums and arenas. the free market can take care of that. Innovative professional sports leagues don't need big government getting in their way."

A reporter approached Drew Bleary. "Mr.Bleary, why did you take a train to Cleveland?"

"Railways were made in the 19th century. Back in the Small Government Past. or something. Airports and Highways were made by Statists. Once we get rid of the State, rail will be profitable again" answered Mr.Bleary.

"but the people want cars. they need interstates to move further from the city. and to get to the big shopping malls and school and the post office and the bank chains and the big chain restaurants. what do you have against people choosing what they want?" asked the reporter.

"The costs of this fuel the massive wealth and power of giant oil companies and other corporations, that lobby the government to invade Iraq and Viet Nam. The statists want to invade Iraq. The voters are indifferent: they're all happily addicted to oil together." said Drew Bleary.

The reporter was nonplussed. "you have too comprehensive and complete a perspective. it doesn't trigger the emotional responses we are conditioned to have".

"I'm sorry." said Drew. "'lower taxes to decrease the national debt. win the global war on terror. grow the economy with free trade deals".

Jesus Christ flew out of the sky and projected his voice throughout America. "Libertarianism is for people with government jobs, or who make a lot of money in the entertainment industry"

The reporter looked up to Jesus. "are you talking about the atheist libertarian bandwagon, or the religious libertarian bandwagon?"

"It doesn't matter" said Jesus.

Governor Harrison drank some grapefruit juice to clear his throat. He stepped through the curtains and took the podium. "first question" he said.

"Governor Harrison, you've pardoned or commuted the sentences of over 35,000 convicts since taking office. Are you trying to circumvent the rule of law?" said a reporter.

"It is in the state constitution that I can pardon and commute sentences. It is legal" said Governor Harrison.

"Why are you doing it?" asked another reporter.

"to save the taxpayers money, and to give freedom to people who don't deserve to be in prison" said Governor Harrison.

Another reporter spoke up, "So far you've pardoned mostly marijuana dealers, psychedelic drug users, people drinking alcohol under the age of 21, and men in prison for refusal to pay child support, and a few other crimes. Are you trying to legislate from the Governor's Office?"

"Most legislators are dicks. Most lawyers are dicks. most judges are lawyers. The voters can't vote out legalese. but they voted for me" said Governor Harrison.

the next reporter. "what if someone you've pardoned runs over a dog or steals cigarettes?"

"I will have far greater support from the friends and families of all the other paronees and freed people who did not run over dogs or steal cigarettes" said Governor Harrison.

THE END.