Mean Ol' Ry

In the 5th X-men movie the action has never been more laid back. But there is good news. Storm is fighting crime in a Bikini again, just like back in the seventies. Halle Berry wanted a more prominent role, and they got rid of Jean and Rogue in movie 3. It is ok, she is still a strong female character. And there is romantic tension between Wolverine and Storm. Because all the other female leads are dead, and the movie has to be more than a 2 hour toy commercial.

The main villain is Bible-Man. He calls himself Bibleman because he has the power to cause natural weather and seismic catastrophes within a range of weeks several months or years in the future. Disasters on a Biblical Scale. His goal is to screw up the industrial agriculture supply enough for the military-industrial-congressional complex to collapse. In the absence of so much business as usual, society will collapse, billions of people will die, and mutants will have it alright because their powers mean they don't need expensive machinery. For example, one of his allies has the power to produce cans of dinty moor beef stew out of thin air, like how Iceman produces Ice out of thin air.
(but he has no can openers!)This is funny because the mutant powers are often very sophisticated and complex.

Another of his Henchmen is Bernard. Bernard was a big guy, like St.Bernards are bigger than most dogs. He wasn't super strong, but he was as strong as an enormously solid guy could be. He was stronger than Sabretooth. He carried around a cooler filled with Thermoses, sandwiches, flasks of firewater, and thick swish chocolate bars. Even though he wasn't super strong, no one else could lift his cooler(sort of like Thor's hammer: it was magic). Bernard also had the power of being immune to alcohol. He used this power for several days at a time whenever a girlfriend broke up with him, or after losing more than 50 dollars gambling.

Here are 2 more of Bibleman's henchmen. It is ok. This is a serious billion dollar franchise.

PizzaMan. Pizzaman can run almost indefinitely at a speed of ten miles per hour. Also, his feet can change shape for running on snow or sand. These powers weren't good for either fighting crime or robbing banks, so he took a job delivering pizzas. That is until Bibleman recruited him for his terrorist team. It had better health insurance benefits.

Clarence. Clarence can turn see through people and also turn invisible. He can fire lasers from his ears. The lasers turn into rubber bands almost immediately. Getting hit with a thick rubber band stings quite a bit, so it is enough to intimidate most people in a fight.

So, Bibleman is recruiting more allies and invites the X-men over. He explains his plan.

"Do you even have powers?" says Wolverine.

"I can control weather with my mind on a massive scale. I can cause heatwaves, hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes, freak hale." says Bibleman.

"Show us!" says Nightcrawler.

"It doesn't work that way. I cause it to happen within 6 to 8 months from now whenever I want to!" says Bibleman.

"Have you ever done it before? How can you tell it works?" says Nightcrawler.

Bibleman explains his powers. "I was very successful at business early on. I had deals going on all over town. So I had to plan my golfing and boating outings months in advance. The weather was exactly like I wanted it to be nearly 95 percent of the time!"

"so, have you caused a crippling Drought, flooding rains, blizzards, or earthquakes yet?" said Nightcrawler.

"No. But I'm pretty sure I can do it!" said Bibleman.

Henry McCoy took Bibleman aside. "You just don't have superpowers, Bibleman"

"I have superpowers, Dammit!" said Bibleman. He offers them a place on his team one more time and they refuse to join him because they are good guys. But Storm isn't there! She is at the Mall!

A fight breaks out and the X-Men are on the Ropes. They call Storm on her Cell Phone. She bursts into bikini form in the mall parking lot and flies over. She is still carrying her bag from the mall though.

"What took you so long?" someone asks Storm. They were having a sale at the mall, she says. (it is ok. She is still a strong female character).

She is upset because no one notices she is wearing a new pair of shoes.

Bibleman is overwhelmed by the presence of Storm in her Bikini. He asks her out on a date, and agrees to call off his crusuade of terror. "it's going to happen eventually without me anyways. you can trust me. I'm an eco-theorist" he says).

So they all celebrate making peace with some Dinty Moore. They turn on the Radio and start dancing. The radio is interrupted by a special broadcast. "Tokyo has been destroyed by an earthquake" reads the announcer.

"It wasn't me!" says bibleman.

The End

I was confused

The library at the corner has a lot of DVDs. I read the backs of them. That is faster than watching the movies. There are dozens of movies from India.(Bollywood..?). I read the backs of them. There is nothing to imply there will be gunbattles, car chases, explosions, explicit sex, bloody fistfights. None of that stuff.

I became confused. How can this be a movie? I imagined watching it I would feel like a dog watching a group of people doing nothing but talk to each other, occasionally breaking into song or dance.

My faith was shaken. So I had to write the Ultimate American Movie. Here is the Ultimate American Movie.

Saturday Night Fever 3: Still Alive

Tony Monero had finally made it big. He got the lead roll in a hit Stephen J.Cannell Action/Drama Series: Softshoe. He played a detective with endearing personality quirks. These quirks were mostly to randomly start screaming, rant maniacally, randomly sprint up the stairs, and occasionally start singing and doing a softshoe tap routine for no reason.

The first season was a great success. A week before the second Season is due to begin shooting, Tony is chilling out in his swimming pool. His wife invited her brothers over. She is Puerto Rican. Her brothers are all Puerto Rican too.

PB1: Hey Tony, you'd better not wear your Italian Lucky Horn Medallion in the pool. The chlorine will wear it down.

Tony: Thanks PB1. You are a good friend.

Tony sets his Italian Lucky Horn Medallion on the patio table and dives into the pool.

Later, he gets out of the pool. His Italian Lucky Horn Medallion is gone!

Tony: Which one of you took my Italian Lucky Horn Medallion?

All the Puerto Rican Brothers deny it! They start winding Tony up. Tony Starts throwing punches. Finally they clobber him and throw him in the pool.

By the time he gets out of the pool the Puerto Rican Brothers have all piled into an SUV and sped away! Tony calls 911!

Tony: Six Puerto Ricans stole my Italian Lucky Horn Medallion!

Dispatcher: Do you know who they are?

Tony: They are my brother in laws!

Dispatcher: Sir, don't waste my time!

The Dispatcher hangs up.

Tony grabs some guns and jumps into his car. He speeds down the highway until he catches up with the PUerto Rican Brothers. He begins shooting!

The SUV is hit in the tires and flips off the road. But all the Puerto Rican brothers are uninjured! They get out of the SUV and Tony shoots each of them in the arm or leg. But they aren't permanently injured or in danger of bleeding to death(it is hollywood). Then, he takes back his Italian Lucky Horn Medallion.

The End.

It was a dark and foreboding night. Through the darkness could be heard
the desperate mewing of a kitten. A mysterious man walked toward the
sound. A kitten was stuck high in a tree.

The Man flexed his mind and Scaffolding formed. The kitten crawled down
the scaffolding. The man smiled.

Suddenly Magneto stepped out of the shadows!

"There had been rumors of a Mutant Master of Scaffolding. I see the
legends are true." said Magneto.

"So. This was a trap!" said the mysterious man with exaggerated gusto.

"I had to see it for myself" said Magneto.

"What are you trying to do?" asked the mysterious man. He was wearing a
work shirt with the name "Carl" sewed on.

"In the last sequel my powers got mostly disappeared. I've got to do
something big to appear in the next sequel." said Magneto.

"So?" said Carl.

"With your mastery of Scaffolding you can do some serious terrorist
damage for the mutant cause" said Magneto.

"what is the mutant cause" asked Carl.

"See, we're a separate race. So we've got to take over or be wiped out"
said Magneto.

"That is unreasonable" said Carl. "The premise of the story is that
anyone can have mutant kids. Every non-mutant alive today will
eventually have mutant descendents. None of our parents were mutants."

"why do you hate your own race?" said Magneto.

"let me recommend a good psychiatrist or bar tender..." began Carl.

"Why do you squander your powers? You could rule with powers like
yours!" said Magneto.

"You are the one who has squandered your powers and leadership
abilities" said Carl.

"what do you mean?" asked Magneto. "I'm an important guy. I've been a
big part of every X-Men film so far!"

"You could have used your powers to make a lot of money. Enough to buy
Tasmania or Paraguay. Or used them to turn a few square miles of land
into everything you need. You only have, what, a few hundred followers
at once? They can't need that much land"

"I see you can't be reasoned with" said Magneto. "I'm sorry to have to
do this. Pluto, Reggie, Nice Pete, Destro! Beat some sense into
Mr.Carl!"

Four of Magnetos henchmen stepped out from behind a Van. They all had
impressive powers like lasers and super strength and good acrobatic
dance moves. But they were no match for a mutant master of Scaffolding.
Carl hit them all with advanced scaffolding techniques. In 10 seconds
they were all defeated.

"Listen Magneto" he said. "I can see you've squandered the money you
made from the first 3 films. Here is my card. I can get you a job at
the Zoo serving Snow Cones or something".

And then Carl wandered away.

It was a cool morning in Manhatten. The Silver Surfer had been on Earth
for a year.

He was going on his morning walk when he ran into Edward Norton and Ben
Grimm.

"Good morning" said the Silver Surfer. "Would you like a bagel? They
are pretty good.". The Silver Surfer was eating a bagel. He carried a
paper bag with several more bagels.

"no Thanks" said Ben Grimm(the Thing). He seemed kind of angry.

"you seem very assimilated" said Edward Norton.

"I am assimilated. I was rising for a while. Then I plateaued. I
tried to continue rising, until I understood I was only spending a lot
of energy on sinking." said the Silver Surfer.

"do you have any cheese for those bagels, fool?" said Ben Grimm.

"You seem kind of Angry. Are you angry, Ben?"

"Why are you in such a good moood?" asked Ben.

"It is because I listen to these Cat Stevens Songs on the Ipod. I am a
spiritual guy. I can deal with plateauing because I am spiritual" said
the Silver Surfer.

Just then Johnny Storm flew in. "Hey guys. Several buildings fell down
last night. It isn't cool!".

They went to look at the buildings.

"Which ones fell over?" asked the Silver Surfer.

"The ones laying in their sides" said Edward Norton.

"I cannot tell the difference" said the Silver Surfer. Ben Grimm
pointed out one of the buildings to him.

"Oh" said Surfer. "let me help". He powered up his power cosmic and
lifted the tip of the building. Slowly he walked forward, tipping the
building back up. He did this to all the buildings. After the last one Ben Grimm chastised him.

"Stupid!" said Ben Grimm. "Now it is upside down".

"what do you mean?" asked the Surfer.

"the top is on the bottom and the bottom is on top."

"I cannot tell the difference" said the Silver Surfer.

"Well, flip it right side up" said Ben.

"No way! Those buildings are heavy! I'm not doing it again!"

There was quite the uproar in the news and on the streets about
buildings falling over. So everybody stayed up late to see if it
happened again. Late at night some Giant Monsters came out of the
ground and tipped over some more buildings. A guy in a green cape was
ordering them around. The Fantastic Four tried to stop him, but they
just werent strong enough. They weren't cool enough.

So the Silver Surfer tried. He called out, "Hey! What are you trying
to do?"

The Mole Man was surprised to be asked a question. "I am tipping over
these buildings as revenge!"

"Why?" asked the Silver Surfer.

"I subscribed to the newspaper! Every morning someone keeps taking it
before I wake up".

"Have you tried subscribing online? It is very convenient" said the
Silver Surfer.

"It isn't the same! It doesn't feel the same with a computer on!" said
the Mole Man.

"Would you give it another chance?" asked the Silver Surfer.

"I'll think about it" said the Mole Man.

The Silver Surfer reached into a Random Mail Box. He pulled out several
AOL Free Introductory Subscription CDs. "Try one of these!" he said.

The Mole Man returned underground. The Surfer reconoitered with the
Fantastic Four. "Hopefully the Mole Man won't be bothering us again"
said Reed Richards.

"I don't think so. Everybody is angry at AOL once they know better"
said the Silver Surfer. "I am leaving".

"Wait!" said Mr.Fantastic. "Let's talk about all this. Let's talk
about what it means."

"No." Said the Silver Surfer. "This is one of those story arcs where I
lose my faith in humanity and fly away for a while"

Alicia Masters ambled up to the Surfer. She grabbed his arm in an
affectionate way. "It would mean a lot to me" said Alicia.

"It doesn't mean anything. Philosophers can debate what it means six
days from Sunday hundreds of years from now. I just did what seemed
like what was a good idea at the time."

"where will you go?" said Ben.

"Idaho".

"Be careful. They make excuses to arrest your kind in Idaho. It is the
new White Flight region" said Ben

"Goodbye for now!" said the Silver Surfer. And then he flew away.

Here is a story you may not have heard before. it is a story you may not have heard before. It is a gritty "realistic" superhero story with serious philosophical ideas encoded into the plot, conflicts, and character development.

Drake Rogers walked into the convenience store. It was an old-style convenience store. "Can I help you find something young man?" said the clerk, a woman with grey hair and a jolly manner.

"Get me six pieces of fried chicken" Drake said. He fumbled through the pile of bills in his pocket as the deli counter lady placed six pieces of fried chicken into a paper bag. Beside the pile of bills was a bag containing gold jewelry. He looked through the wall of the building and saw an angry young man with a concealed gun walking toward the store.

Drake ducked behind the counter and waited for the angry young man to walk into the store. The man pulled out his gun. "Gimme all your money!" he demanded of the cashier. Drake pulled a bowling pin out of his jacket and clobbered the robber on the back of the head.

The robber dropped his gun and collapsed to the floor. He was not unconscious. "Why you gotta be messing with me?" said the Robber.

"It isn't good to rob convenience store clerks. why did you do that?" said Drake

"I want money to buy a car and impress the females" said the robber.

The police arrived and Drake gave his statement. "why do you carry a bowling pin around with you?" said the police officer.

"I enjoy bowling" said Drake. "Now I'll be taking my bowling pin back!" he grabbed the bowling pin and secured it to a pocket inside his jacket.

Hours later outside of town he stopped in an old cemetery. He looked through all the walls of the buildings nearby. Everybody was gone or asleep. He used his powers to see through the ground and into each grave. It was ok: they were all at least 50 years old. Finally he found a grave that that had some gold in it. There was a gold watch and several gold rings, and for some reason an envelope full of 100 dollar bills. "They must have been Italian" Drake thought to himself. He took out a rubber mallet and pounded a thin hollow cylinder into the grave. Then he inserted a pair of telescoping pliers into the grave. He removed the jewelry and the money, then withdrew the cylinder.

As he made his way back to the rode he was surprised by someone materializing out of nowhere! "Were you invisible or something" drake asked.

"Yes, I can turn invisible" said the person. It was a woman!

"I don't run into many women in these science fiction stories. What are you doing here?" said Drake.

"I noticed you can see through solid objects so decided to follow you around." said the woman. "don't you feel guilty about robbing graves?"

"I need the money to fight crime. i've got to fight crime!" said Drake.

to be continued....